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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset at ex?

52 replies

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 08:04

NC because I'm embarrassed.

Broke up with my ex only a couple of weeks ago. We have a baby together, 10 months old.

My choice to end things. Lots of reasons, mainly not feeling loved and supported. Lots of little lies too. Gave him many chances to change/step up but didn't.

My single friend has sent me a screenshot of my ex on a dating app. I've also clocked that he's changed his profile picture on WhatsApp to one from 3 years ago where he must think he looks good.

I know we aren't together so I have no right to be upset. But I feel it. It's been a couple of weeks. Not to mention he's seen his child once in that time for 2 hours!

But he has time to date/find someone new?

I've asked him what his plan is for seeing our child and if he will commit to regular days and times and he's giving me the run around.

OP posts:
JadziaD · 15/01/2024 10:11

I think being honest with myself part of the reason I feel upset is that I hoped losing his family may by the kick up the arse he needed.

I was going to say this. That you broke up with him becuase he's a twat who was a poor partner and a poor parent and that therefore him just moving on leaving you and your DD behind is totally understandable but that you are upset because deep down you were probably hoping that he was going to change.

He's not going to change so focus on you and your DD, prioritise getting some money out of him and try to move on.

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/01/2024 10:20

He says he "loves and misses her so much".

What bullshit. He's a full-on deadbeat who has no intention of parenting his child. What these men do is talk a load of bullshit to anyone who'll listen - pretending that they are committed parents. Looking for sympathy. Playing the "poor me" card.

He's a selfish tosser and you have been left holding the baby.

Don't feel embarrassed. It happens all the time. Sadly there is no legal remedy for deadbeat dads in the UK. It's the women who have to carry the consequences.

Original poster
beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 10:31

I think mumsnet must just be full of super hard people who wouldn't be hurt with their ex and father of their child trying to find someone else so soon after a breakup of a long relationship.

It's clear he doesn't care about me or DD.

OP posts:
HeidiIeigh · 15/01/2024 10:33

I don't think it's that people wouldn't be hurt. It's that people are saying what he does now dating wise is up to him. You left him, he can do what he wants in that respect. But he's a shit Dad.

ohdamnitjanet · 15/01/2024 10:35

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 09:51

Sorry yes I'm embarrassed that he's such a twat. I'm embarrassed that my friend saw him on tinder.

I think being honest with myself part of the reason I feel upset is that I hoped losing his family may by the kick up the arse he needed... I hoped he'd be doing anything right now to prove he can be a good father to DD.

He says he "loves and misses her so much".

But his actions speak otherwise and he's not making time for her.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Why why why do friends do stuff like sending you his Tinder profile though? They absolutely know it will upset you and prey on your mind, I hate this sort of shit stirring, it isn’t helpful or useful at all. I’m sorry though, I know it’s tough.

vidflex · 15/01/2024 10:36

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 10:31

I think mumsnet must just be full of super hard people who wouldn't be hurt with their ex and father of their child trying to find someone else so soon after a breakup of a long relationship.

It's clear he doesn't care about me or DD.

I'd be devastated op. I think people are being harsh there. When I split with my exh he was out shagging around within a week. I ended things but it just really hurt at the time that he could just move on so quickly. It was then that I knew he'd never really cared about me. It made my decision to leave feel easier. You're entitled to feel angry and upset about it x

SKG231 · 15/01/2024 10:41

You finished with him for a reason. Yes he still has to be In your life to see your child be just remember you are no longer with him because he wasn’t good enough for you and didn’t deserve you.

He obviously isn’t working on himself if he’s jumping back in to dating and he will probably end up in another relationship he fucks up because he hasn’t taken time to reflect on his behaviour and mistakes but that’s his baggage to deal with.

focus on you and bettering yourself as a person and a mother and once you are really happy with yourself and your life on your own, you will have room for someone who treats you the same way you treat yourself.

maddening · 15/01/2024 10:47

Muchof · 15/01/2024 09:49

@maddening

Read the first sentence of first post again. 😉

Show quote history

I was referring to the post you had quoted

Original poster
beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 10:49

Yes what he does now dating wise is up to him. It just makes it hit home the hurt and anger I feel that he couldn't step up and be a good Dad and partner because he's too focused on himself.

I just feel like if someone came on here and a mum had a 10 month old baby and was dating 2 weeks after a breakup and had only cared for the baby for a couple of hours in that time,
People wouldn't be saying "well that's up to her".

OP posts:
JadziaD · 15/01/2024 10:53

I don't think people are saying you don't have the right to be hurt. But what they ARE saying is that this can't be a surprise to you and you have to let it go. He's clearly not a good man so you dumped him - well done. So be hurt overall, but being hurt about this one thing is silly because he was always going to behave in a wanker-like way.

Barneysma2 · 15/01/2024 10:58

OP, I understand where you are coming from. You have had a baby with someone who I presume you thought you would have a life with and less than 2 weeks after splitting up he has time to go on dating apps and potentially meet up with other women but doesn't have that same time and focus for his child. Yes, he can go on apps and meet who he wants but it still doesn't mean it wont hurt and the fact he isn't making an effort to see his child is very sad. He sounds like a right loser tbh, if a man prioritises meeting other women over seeing his own baby then you are well shot of him. I would just concentrate on your little one, things will get easier.

Ladyj84 · 15/01/2024 11:02

Sadly if he doesn't want to see little one you can't force it. Ex hasn't seen son in 13 years. I gave up after his 1st birthday asking, then tried solicitors that were sorting divorce to sort a schedule and every letter that referred to the child and visiting he magically didn't receive or acknowledge. So brought oldest up alone until my now husband

HeidiIeigh · 15/01/2024 11:06

People are saying the dating part is up to him, not the baby part. He's a shit Dad. The other way round people would be saying she's a shit Mum. But the dating part she would be totally entitled to. It doesn't mean you can't be hurt, what it means that he can date if he wants, he's single.

PeanutsArentNuts · 15/01/2024 11:07

Your feelings are totally understandable but it's really just further confirmation of why you were right to end things.

RandomMess · 15/01/2024 11:13

With regards to seeing the baby offer him fixed days and times that work for you and are non-working time/reasonable.

Put it in writing to him give a start date of this week and be available for the first half an hour. When he doesn't turn up carry on as you want to.

That way you've made the offer you aren't chasing after him and it doesn't impact on your MH and life.

EverybodyLTB · 15/01/2024 11:39

As if anyone would not be pissed off with this. There really isn’t much you can do, except keep hold of the various bits of evidence that he hasn’t been prioritising his child. Go via CMS and prepare for him to fade away. In the words of the great Liz from Motherland “let’s see how much of a co-parent he is once he gets on Tinder”

One thing I had to come to terms with as a single parent, was not only the breakdown of the family unit, but I almost mourned the inability to be a perfect co-parenting unit after that. My EXH just literally switched off from his kids. That realisation, and my accepting and processing of that, was worse than the breakup/divorce itself.

Go via CMS, offer him his days/times for the last time and then leave it. You can’t force a man to give a shit about his child. You know yourself that nobody would have to beg you to see your baby. You’re dealing with a selfish pig with a certain mindset that you texting him to see her won’t change.

DocOck · 15/01/2024 11:41

There's a difference between being on apps and actually dating. He could be messing around on the apps at any time of day so that's a non-issue because you can't control that.

But he does need to take more responsibility for your child. Put together a proposed schedule of when is his time and when is your time, he can't just flit in and out when he likes.

toomuchfaff · 15/01/2024 11:59

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 10:31

I think mumsnet must just be full of super hard people who wouldn't be hurt with their ex and father of their child trying to find someone else so soon after a breakup of a long relationship.

It's clear he doesn't care about me or DD.

Not super hard people... just further down that road. Already passed that milestone, recovered from the hurt and betrayal, been there, done that, learnt from the experience.

My Son is now 26, we split on his first birthday, ex swanned about for months afterwards trying to show me just what i was "missing out on", spending money on new car, new clothes, hobbies and all types of stuff whilst not contributing a penny to nappies or anything. He cried about access, begged to have his son, when he was given unsupervised access (in the family home) he left the 1 yr old boy in a pram (just sat, not tied in) while he went to the shop 5 miles away for some car parts... grandma called round and found the child crying his eyes out in his pram, door unlocked, just left in the living room. Ex appeared after another 40 minutes...

Your knowledge now is your tool, hes showing you what you need to know by his actions, take heed, realise what to expect and go from there. Don't assume anything, dont assume he will love and care for the child as you would (pretty basic stuff, feed and clothe, keep safe etc) until he shows you he loves and cares for the child...

None of his misgivings are your fault. None of them you can control or dictate or expect.

WhatanEmbarrasment · 15/01/2024 12:39

It’s because you broke up with him so you don’t want him so he should be able to date. If he broke up with you then was instantly on dating apps I would get the upset but you ended it with him

Original poster
beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 12:51

Yes I broke up with him, no I don't want him.

But surely if you have such limited time that you aren't able to see your child, then he wouldn't have time to be on apps/dating/whatever?

Cause he's telling me he's too busy to see DD.

I guess he's not because he doesn't want to and I'll just have to accept that.

OP posts:
SKG231 · 15/01/2024 12:52

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 12:51

Yes I broke up with him, no I don't want him.

But surely if you have such limited time that you aren't able to see your child, then he wouldn't have time to be on apps/dating/whatever?

Cause he's telling me he's too busy to see DD.

I guess he's not because he doesn't want to and I'll just have to accept that.

Of course he’s not seeing your child because he’s “too busy” he’s just an emotionally immature wanker.

don’t push contact, focus on yourself and your child and getting over the heartache and bettering yourself. There is no point stressing yourself pushing for a forced relationship between your child and this man child.

givingupchocolatemonday · 15/01/2024 12:55

Just because it was your choice doesn't make the break up any easier. I left my partner with a 1 year old and it was a very hard time watching him moving on even though I didn't want him back.

You know your worth you just have to go through the motions unfortunately.

funinthesun19 · 15/01/2024 12:59

maddening · 15/01/2024 08:29

The op hasn't mentioned being embarrassed?

Show quote history

She did in her OP. Her very first sentence was, “NC because I’m embarrassed.”

Original poster
beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 13:27

It's not easy at all especially as I am and have been doing all the parenting on my own.

OP posts:
spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 15:34

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 10:31

I think mumsnet must just be full of super hard people who wouldn't be hurt with their ex and father of their child trying to find someone else so soon after a breakup of a long relationship.

It's clear he doesn't care about me or DD.

or posters that don’t went to force someone into having their baby. I just could not ever relax if i was to leave my baby in his care.

And the very fact that he has adopted this approach, would be enough for me to fall well and truly out of love with him