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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wearing the ex girlfriend's engagement ring

68 replies

Absolutement · 15/01/2024 05:05

I've name changed for this as I don't want it linked to other posts.

Back story (and sorry if it's long, I'm a waffler).

I began dating a fella, fell pregnant, and now a few years later we are getting married. Now, this isn't a story of true love bringing us together; we are working really hard at our relationship to create a family which neither of us had envisioned, but we dote on our kids and want this to work. We are both in our 40s so we come with some baggage, and I think it's fair to say that we have both previously experienced 'The One' - although obviously they weren't as we didn't end up with them permanently! We are pretty level headed about our situation though; we aren't living the life we had once assumed, but we are embracing the life that we have been given. Not hugely romantic, maybe one day this won't be enough to sustain us, but for now, I love my family and can find happiness and contentment here.

On to my question.

Prior to meeting me, my fella had been about to propose to his 'One' - their relationship had been faltering a bit, I think his buying the ring was a genuine (not controlling) attempt to get it back on an even keel, he loved her but for her I think it was over. Anyway, he didn't get the chance to propose, they split up, he now had a spare engagement and wedding ring.

Fast forward to now, I have a gorgeous ring of my own on my finger, we're about to get married, all is good. I knew he hadn't got round to getting rid of the old engagement ring, I don't think out of any sentimental reasons, just been too busy with kids! We discussed it today, I asked to look at it, and it was gorgeous. Not as nice as mine, and not my style, so I wasn't jealous at all. But it's so pretty and sparkly 😆 He was planning on selling it, but also said if I wanted it I could, and now I'm thinking...

AIBU if I keep and wear another woman's rejected engagement ring? Is that weird? Creepy? I'd wear it on my other hand, middle finger, it's a single diamond on a gold band, so engagement-y but not overly so. Will it be a reminder to him of a lost love, even if he's moved on from that part of his life? Will it be a reminder to me too, for that matter, of my own history and expectations. Basically, will this ring be a curse, or is it just a pretty piece of jewellery and I should stop overthinking!

Curious to hear opinions.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 15/01/2024 07:32

I'd want him to sell it. It was thought either another woman in mind. And even though you say that your relationship isn't a big love story, you do deserve the same level of thought and care to be given to you, as he gave to his ex. You are his future, the mother of his children. As pretty as that other ring might be, it's not yours.

I don't think engagement rings are as emotionally loaded for most men as they are for women - it's entirely possible that to your partner, it's just jewellery. But the fact that he bought it for someone else would taint it for me.

everythingthelighttouches · 15/01/2024 07:33

Keep it as an asset for next generation if you can afford to.

LizziesTwin · 15/01/2024 07:38

It’s money tied up that you can’t use. Either you have enough money as a couple to leave it sitting not appreciating as much as a proper investment or he should sell it & invest/spend the money. Is it a £1000 ring or a £10,000 ring? My guess is somewhere at the lower end of the range.

SwingTheMonkey · 15/01/2024 07:38

TheDuck2018 · 15/01/2024 07:25

Not a chance I'd wear it....why would I want a symbol of his love for somebody else on my finger. I'd sell it.

I agree. It’s really odd.

Tatumm · 15/01/2024 07:40

I would find out what you can get for it and then decide whether you’d prefer to keep or sell it.

Frasers · 15/01/2024 07:41

No feels a bit grabby to me, I’d let him sell it, it’s his money, to do with as he pleases, I don’t really get the whole you’re entitled to a share of the money either.

C1N1C · 15/01/2024 07:42

I see all the points of views and agree with all of them. No-one usually wants an ex's reject, etc

What I like about him is that he gave you the option. He could return it, bin it, destroy it... he'd probably be fine with all of those, but at least he asked you if you wanted it. It's only weird if you make it weird.

I'm not this sort of person, but maybe he's hoping all the love once I that ring will transfer to you spiritually :)

Olika · 15/01/2024 07:43

I wouldn't want to wear a ring he got for someone else.

Tontostitis · 15/01/2024 07:46

I'd wear it, it's not hers and never was.

dudsville · 15/01/2024 07:51

You both sound pretty level headed so i would reframe this. In calling it another woman's rejected engagement ring you tarnish it. Refer to it as something else!

rainydaysandwednesdays · 15/01/2024 07:54

Sell it and buy something nice that you both choose x

Doingmybest12 · 15/01/2024 07:54

I don't think I'd wear it. Can you have the diamond re set in a necklace or different style setting. However if you both feel ok about it that's all that matters. Love a sparkler.

ClumsyNinja · 15/01/2024 07:55

In your shoes, I’d sell it.

You seem to have settled for second best in your life and you’re focusing your energies on your family. Lots of people do this and are happy with that decision. As you’ve been together several years already, the knowledge that your partner isn’t the love of your life isn’t a shock to you.

However, I think this ring symbolises that you’re still accepting second best, not because it’s second hand, but because it’s not exactly what you would choose for yourself.

Sell it and buy a ring that you really love and put yourself first for once!

Emmelina · 15/01/2024 07:58

IMO it was never ‘her’ engagement ring since she never knew it existed, but I’d let him sell it on and get something nice for your life together. It’s still a visual reminder of the past that should perhaps stay there.

Original poster
Absolutement · 15/01/2024 10:46

Thanks for the comments everyone. They reflect the exact thought processes currently going through my mind, veering from "it's just a nice ring and deserves to be worn" to "it feels a tad grabby and it was bought with another woman in mind".

I've actually changed my mind from my earlier post* and won't wear it. My fiancé can sell it, and we buy something nice for our new house with it. I'm more practical than 'buy me diamonds, damnit!' so this feels a good compromise; a nice vintage item of furniture that is "ours".

*I reserve the right to change my mind yet again throughout the day 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Absolutement · 15/01/2024 10:59

ClumsyNinja · 15/01/2024 07:55

In your shoes, I’d sell it.

You seem to have settled for second best in your life and you’re focusing your energies on your family. Lots of people do this and are happy with that decision. As you’ve been together several years already, the knowledge that your partner isn’t the love of your life isn’t a shock to you.

However, I think this ring symbolises that you’re still accepting second best, not because it’s second hand, but because it’s not exactly what you would choose for yourself.

Sell it and buy a ring that you really love and put yourself first for once!

Oof, this hit home a little. Insightful and true. A whole other can of worms to (not be) be opened (yet).

Yes. Feeling second best has been a prominent feature in much of my relationship history so this ring would symbolise that wouldn't it... I'm working on my self esteem (doing quite well I think) so I will let the sparkly ring go. It isn't mine. Feels quite cathartic to do that :)

Thanks for your comment.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 15/01/2024 11:01

I thought you said it's not your style

Sasqwatch · 15/01/2024 11:03

LenaLamont · 15/01/2024 06:32

It’s just jewellery. If you like it, wear it.

This

Enjoy it

Original poster
Absolutement · 15/01/2024 11:05

luckylavender · 15/01/2024 11:01

I thought you said it's not your style

Well I've never really been someone who thought I'd wear a diamond, if that makes sense. Always thought they suited hands that were more well maintained, and for lifestyles that were less chaotic than mine, but when I put it on it looked nice! It is a lovely and simple design too, not too flamboyant. (I still prefer my vintage / costume jewellery though)

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 15/01/2024 11:10

How about taking it to the jeweler and having the diamond made into a necklace. That way you have the benefit of a nice diamond but without the "engagement" connotations.

On another note I kept my old engagement ring from my ex husband. I offered it to our joint son when he was about to propose to his fiancee and he laughed and said he thought it may be bad luck to have a ring from a failed marriage. So I think I will get the gemstones (3 of them) made into a necklace and offer him that or keep it myself if he still feels the same.

GalileoHumpkins · 15/01/2024 11:44

If its not your style why would you wear it?
Also it's not rejected if he never proposed.

Lighrbulbmo · 15/01/2024 11:54

Nah he bought that ring with her in mind, with the love he felt for her in his heart, he chose it for her taste, to impress her. I wouldn’t wear it, I wouldn’t want it, or the money. I am weirdly impressed you are so blasé about him having kept it all this time. You have a ring. 💍 you have the man. You don’t need this, besides any negative energy will likely make you go all wooooo and think it’s bad luck from the cursed ring.

swedishmom24 · 15/01/2024 11:57

From your title I was all ready to say absolutely don't wear this, the cheek of him proposing with an ex's ring!

...But actually reading your post, yes I would if I liked it and felt comfortable.

Sounds like a very mature relationship and I hope everything works out well for your family.

rainbowbee · 15/01/2024 13:29

I would sell it. You have your own ring which you say yourself is nicer. Get something you both like for the money; the old girlfriend is in the past, not on your finger!

poetryandwine · 15/01/2024 14:00

JustAnotherKingCnut · 15/01/2024 06:46

Jewellery never fetches anywhere near its original value when sold. If I didn't want to wear it as a ring, I'd think about having the diamond set in something else, like a necklace.

This. Then if you aren’t comfortable you can give it to one of your DC for use in an engagement ring (and make it up to the other(s))