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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday present - DH said not to transfer what I owe to use it for present

47 replies

pontipinemum · 14/01/2024 22:12

My birthday is later this week.

I was just about to transfer €100 to DH for something I bought using his card (we have joint for most things but also our own 'spending)

He just said oh don't worry, you can just pay for your birthday present. I was confused so asked what?

He said well you wanted a pregnancy massage, so don't give me the money just use it to get the massage. I get that the end result will be getting what I did want and ask for my birthday but it does feel a bit 'oumph' he said he hasn't booked one because he didn't know when would suit me which I suppose is fair enough. But I have booked whole surprise trips for him before. He could have arranged for someone to mind DS some Saturday.

Yes I know very little to be worried about. I am also 10 weeks pregnant, very sick and more tearful than last time.

YABU - It's the same thing
YANBU - A voucher would have been nice

OP posts:
Bryonny84 · 14/01/2024 22:15

I see where you're coming from but my OH would do the same. I always buy my own presents or I get nothing or something I don't want. It would be nice though if your OH had booked the treat for you and also got you a little surprise as well. Lots of men don't think like that though and don't know why you're upset. Have a lovely birthday whatever happens x.

kisstheblarney · 14/01/2024 22:18

I totally agree with you. I would feel the same!

But in the last two days on here DHs that have booked surprise holidays have been labelled controlling!

I think you'll get a lot of "what's the problem"

MoreDollies · 14/01/2024 22:19

As the wife of someone who will say "i'll buy you those cardigans your ordered yourself for Christmas" I do have some sympathy (which coincidentally he hasn't actually transferred me the money for yet). Yes you get what you want but it's at zero effort from him. What would he have done if you hadn't gift wrapped that opportunity for him to 'cancel the debt'?

I mean, I can also understand why some.might argue you've got what you wanted so why are you complaining, but I think the lack of effort/genuine consideration is the thing that's the issue here.

Minglingpringle · 14/01/2024 22:20

Slightly deflating but I’ve found the longer my marriage goes on, the less I care about those kind of procedural niceties!

Silverbirch7 · 14/01/2024 22:21

I get you but I think it's just man maths💐

Original poster
pontipinemum · 14/01/2024 22:25

I do normally tell him exactly what I want (and send him the links) I said I wanted a maternity massage and was hoping he would arrange everything. Child care, where, when, maybe even lunch.

He is a great husband and does do things he thinks will make me happy but not in the gift giving way. In the I sorted the leaky pipes sort of way, which tbh is great. I will take that over OTT gifts which I don't need

OP posts:
ChiIIieB · 14/01/2024 22:25

I'd have preferred something pregnancy related to not double up as a birthday gift. If that's something you need to help you feel better it's not really a gift. His efforts were a bit lame to be fair.

Cherrysherbet · 14/01/2024 22:27

I hear you op.
He’s doing it the easy way to benefit himself, and it comes across very lack lustre. He’s telling you to keep the money and sort it out yourself basically. Not nice.

Men just don’t get it though.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/01/2024 22:27

But if you asked him for a massage for your birthday then there really is no difference between a voucher and the money. And if you are suffering with sickness he won't know when you feel well enough for it so a bit risky to book it. Obviously its not particularly romantic but it is the gift you requested

Original poster
pontipinemum · 14/01/2024 22:27

@ChiIIieB that's what I asked for, it feels like more of a treat than a necessity. I bought my new pregnancy coat from the joint.

OP posts:
ChiIIieB · 14/01/2024 22:28

Fair enough. In that case he's done nothing wrong as I don't see how he would know where, which one, what day and time.

Mischance · 14/01/2024 22:29

Crikey - that sounds a bit demanding from you! He has given you £100 to spend on a massage, but that does not satisfy you?! Give him a big hug and say Thank You!

WristCandy · 14/01/2024 22:33

YANBU. If he can't make a tiny bit of effort while you're pregnant and feeling shit, then when the hell will he?

But the bar is low on here for men lifting a finger for their partner's birthday so you'll get told you're too demanding and men just can't do presents etc. Bollocks.

NewName24 · 14/01/2024 22:34

Mischance · 14/01/2024 22:29

Crikey - that sounds a bit demanding from you! He has given you £100 to spend on a massage, but that does not satisfy you?! Give him a big hug and say Thank You!

Yup

he's done nothing wrong as I don't see how he would know where, which one, what day and time.

and this.

YABU

SteggySawUs · 14/01/2024 22:35

YADNBU it's not a gift from him if it requires precisely zero effort or thought from him.
The gift is not just the physical thing/experience, it's that somebody thought of you and went, even a little bit, out of their way to make it happen. He could have got a gift voucher, or he could have written you a nice card that said "book whatever massage you like and take as long as you like to have some you-time". I'd be really hurt at the lack of effort/thought/care.

Mariposistaa · 14/01/2024 22:36

If this is really all you have to get the hump over…
some men really can’t do right for doing wrong can they?

Mischance · 14/01/2024 22:46

it's not a gift from him if it requires precisely zero effort or thought from him. ... ah, so a gift is only a food gift if the giver has had to go to a lot of trouble over it? Where is the line? - is buying a voucher online effort enough; or ordering on amazon? Is your OH aware of the parameters and which hoops he has to jump through to be a satisfactory gift giver?

Come on, cut this poor guy some slack .....

Some of the posts on here about Christmas presents have staggered me! - is gift giving seen as some sort of test now?

Mischance · 14/01/2024 22:46

good - not food!!

noooooooo · 14/01/2024 23:01

Tbf it sounds like his love language is help/service rather than gifts. I wouldn’t really want to book a massage for someone else, I don’t know squat about massages so I’d rather they book and I pay. He might yet write a nice card. Congratulations 🥳

AllAboardTootToot · 14/01/2024 23:04

The guy can’t win 😂

Yabu, it’s the same thing, sort it to suit you.

I get feeling spoiled but he might still do that on the day with lunch etc.?

MoreDollies · 14/01/2024 23:08

Mischance · 14/01/2024 22:46

it's not a gift from him if it requires precisely zero effort or thought from him. ... ah, so a gift is only a food gift if the giver has had to go to a lot of trouble over it? Where is the line? - is buying a voucher online effort enough; or ordering on amazon? Is your OH aware of the parameters and which hoops he has to jump through to be a satisfactory gift giver?

Come on, cut this poor guy some slack .....

Some of the posts on here about Christmas presents have staggered me! - is gift giving seen as some sort of test now?

Extreme argument much?

At least a voucher is something he might have to look at the website or go into a shop for, or consider whether it was a brand she likes.

Sometimes it's the thought that matters more, not the value. If she hadn't needed to cancel out what she'd put on the joint account at that moment, he may have actually had to put some thought in, but he took the easiest of options.

WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 14/01/2024 23:08

you get a 'pregnant' pass anyway!

Hopefully on your birthday he'll surprise you with a nice card, thoughtful present & a meal out.

i understand what you mean about the lack of input he's had, & get your disappointment, but it's also very practical.

see what he does ON your birthday!

Copperoliverbear · 14/01/2024 23:10

I don't see the problem.

Myhubbyisasweetheart · 14/01/2024 23:12

@kisstheblarney

No the DH have been labelled as kind and trying hard, the women have been labelled as ungrateful

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2024 23:15

Will you get a nice dinner, card, something from DS? On the day? If so, I would be OK.

However if the sum total of his effort for your birthday is nothing, I'd be a little miffed.