Birthday present - DH said not to transfer what I owe to use it for present

[pontipinemum]

My birthday is later this week.

I was just about to transfer €100 to DH for something I bought using his card (we have joint for most things but also our own 'spending)

He just said oh don't worry, you can just pay for your birthday present. I was confused so asked what?

He said well you wanted a pregnancy massage, so don't give me the money just use it to get the massage. I get that the end result will be getting what I did want and ask for my birthday but it does feel a bit 'oumph' he said he hasn't booked one because he didn't know when would suit me which I suppose is fair enough. But I have booked whole surprise trips for him before. He could have arranged for someone to mind DS some Saturday.

Yes I know very little to be worried about. I am also 10 weeks pregnant, very sick and more tearful than last time.

YABU - It's the same thing
YANBU - A voucher would have been nice

Thanks all. I'm not pissed off with him I was just a little 'oh'. He buys a lot of 'best mum' sorts of gifts from DS, (DS is 1.5 so has no input) I have told him while they are lovely I don't need anymore. I still got another 1 at Christmas but what can I say. So I will prob get something from DS on my birthday as well.

I genuinely have very very little to grumble about with DH, I was just a little disappointed. A homemade voucher with 'have a nice massage, I will take care of DS + dinner for the day' would have been perfect. It felt very like a very un gift like transaction last night was all. And maybe that does make me demanding. I don't think I am very demanding though.

We are together 13 years, married 6 so I know who he is. I usually get nothing for my birthday because I don't need anything. I do always ask for a cake though. He knows I want a cake + candles.

DH is a farmer and is very busy right now (even working Sundays which he tries not to do) so I know he just saw this is the easiest way to give me my gift.

I just can't be bothered with faffing about with presents! If I want something that's within budget, I just get it myself and DH does the same. I truly don't see the point of buying each other gifts when it all comes from the same pot of money anyway. If you buy your own, you can be sure of receiving what you want rather than someone else's guess as to what you might want!

Why not go back to him to say … actually it would be lovely if you could organise it for me and childcare etc so that it feels like more of a treat. So let’s stick with the original plan of sending the dosh back.

Dh, I can’t book my own massage as for my present you are researching where to book it. So I transferred the money back and look forward to discovering the spa you’ve found, don’t forget to book it for a day you can mind ds as you’ll be minding him that day whether you’re free or not, but don’t worry I’ll take the baby with me so you’ll only have one child.’
(yes well aware baby is in your tummy still, in your shoes I’d be making a pointed comment though about never actually getting time off 🤪 I think that’s a fair statement for tough pregnancies)

@Codlingmoths I've always wanted to visit the Faroe island. Maybe a weekend away alone is just what I need. I am back at work today. Not sure if it makes me sound awful but the break is helping me anyway. DS is at a point where is is go go go go (even says it constantly 😂) and I am constantly nauseous and tired he takes it out of me.

I get this - DH has done this to me before. Not with the money, but with the 'here's your present - something that you have to do all the work to organise and I'll just pay the bill'. Its not a present when I then have to do all the admin to get it.

He got it right once though - he printed out all the spa menu options from the website, bought a nice folder and put them in that, then wrapped it and gave it to me as my present - said I could choose any treatments up to ££ value, and then he would ring up and book. That to me was perfect - he'd made an effort, took charge of the admin, and all I had to do was choose what I fancied from the 'menu'. Sadly he only did that once and on other occasions has given me a card/small present and then just said 'oh, and I'll pay for a massage if you want?'.

Can you just tell him this . Say well actualy I was hoping you would arrange “this” and “that” for the day.
Tell him what you said above .

I have to say I'm with DH here.
You specified what you wanted, he left the money for it with you so you could arrange a booking that suited you.

My partner and I often know what we would like for birthdays Christmas anniversaries etc so quite regularly say "let me know the cost and ill transfer" - doesnt mean we love each other less, sometimes its just easier if one party knows exactly what they want from where and have their finger hovering over the button.

Time to reconsider your relationship? It can only get worse from here. You deserve so much better than this.

Another bloke that can't do right for doing wrong. Why do you need all the bells and ribbons?

Yeah, thankyou for the zero thought and effort for my birthday?

Ask him if he wants to his special days the same..takes a lot off the head when all you have to do is give some coin rather than making any effort

He did nothing. Right or wrong. Do you think 'nothing' is the correct amount of care for someone you love's birthday? Is that the effort you put in?

I would have done the same. In fact, I have in the past. So YABU in my view.

Just wanted to mention that you need to be 12 weeks or more for a pregnancy massage.
The therapist's insurers don't allow it.

How low the bar is set for men ,and we accept it

What a lazy git.

Do the same to him when it's his birthday

That’s the point of it really- not how it’s paid for, but the fact that you’re having to organise your own gift, including the arrangements for actually being able to get there.
All you can do is tell him that.

"Lovely, I've booked for X date so I'll leave at this time and I'll look forward to joining you for dinner from Xpm, let me know when it will be ready"

Nah, not good enough. Train him up!

Tell him, 'I'll do that but it would make me really happy if you surprised or treated me a bit on the day too. I mean, me booking my own massage involves zero effort from you, and I am carrying your baby, matey!'

@MrsMarzetti I really don't think I am difficult/ demanding but sometimes a little ribbon is nice.

@Nestofwalnuts I think he copped I was put out last night and I did tell him why. So you never know what will happen Thursday 😂I won't hold out a lot of hope. But a cake (with candles so DS can be awed) and a take away would absolutely make my day.

@FictionalCharacter it is, I would love to be brought somewhere, have something done for me. But honestly if I didn't organise things I doubt we'd ever go/do anything. He enjoys holidays and days out but just would never think to do them.

I can see your point of view but logically what he suggested does make sense.
Book the massage and hopefully you'll feel much better for it.

I can see what you're saying as you'd probably have liked a physical voucher for a massage as it then looks like some effort has gone into it.

However, as far as he's concerned, what's the point of you paying money into his account, which he then takes out to give back to you!