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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Will this relationship last?

33 replies

feeltheheal · 14/01/2024 21:12

Together for 9 years. The last 2 years were awful, he was very mentally unwell. One minute he was unhappy and leaving, the next he wanted to come back and regretted it. He was a gambling addict spending £30/£40 a day though he had a good job and it never left us without money but it did cause problems. We were supposed to save for a mortgage but he was so reckless with money so we couldn't which I am now thankful for. He completely blindsided me. Living with him was emotionally draining.

I can't even answer who ended the marriage finally. He left one day and never came back. I never asked him too though he did try but I remained firm. He got angry then nice then angry and nice etc.

The last 8 weeks of our marriage, he was convinced I was cheating. I wasn't. He was also very careful with his phone and spent a lot of time at our local shop buying costa coffees from the machine there. He would be in there for half an hour at a time. Going out of his way to go.

Within 2 weeks after leaving me, he was in a new relationship. He told me this, I asked him not to involve me in his personal life. I think now he was hoping I would be devastated and it would make me want to save my marriage. But it didn't.

Another couple of weeks went by and ex started messaging me again to say he couldn't believe our marriage was over and he was looking at our last holiday pictures. Saying he missed us all. 2 days later it was official on facebook....he was in a new relationship. 4 weeks after he left me. This lead to me receiving a few messages asking what the hell was going on as most people thought we were still together. I've had messages from his friends telling me I was always too good for him and most people have been supportive.

I cannot be sure but I'm sure I've seen her working in our local shop - the one he was always at. I can't bare to go in so I don't know for sure. However I have seen her in there when I've driven past. It would make sense that it's her. I was always suspicious there was someone he liked that worked in there and I would joke to him about his 'other wife from the shop' as he was there so much. If it's not her then they look very similar!

Anyway, this was 2 months ago. They've had Christmas and both their birthdays so lots of celebrations and big events together.

Apparently they seem blissfully happy on Facebook. She has blocked me. I've never even spoken a word to her in my life but I do wonder why she would do that. I don't even speak to my ex husband unless I have too. I've left them both alone and I'm trying to pick up the pieces at home.

She was introduced to my daughter straight away and they have now introduced her children to my daughter too. Though he doesn't see my daughter much at all - only 4 times for a few hours since November. She's 6 years old.

The new girlfriend has also had previous relationships where she introduced her children her new partner so neither of them seem to think about waiting before playing happy families. They both seem to just do it straight away.

She is the opposite to me. Likes to go out, has a big personality, confident. Makes drunk videos dancing around and puts it on social media. They are both out every weekend.

He has been violent to women in the past. Never to me which he was proud of 🙄 but she doesn't look like she would put up with any of his shit. Which could lead to serious arguments in my eyes.

Equally they could be a perfect match. I feel like such a boring person where as she looks like the life and soul of the party.

I am utterly heartbroken. My ex also seems to now absolutely despise me. His attitude towards me is awful.

She is a rebound surely? But he cannot for the life of him be alone. He always goes for one woman to the next to the next. I was the longest relationship he's had and the only one stupid enough to marry him.

He has 3 kids to 3 different women (including me) and blames us all for the failed relationship. He's had each one of us tattooed on him and covered - well I expect my name will be covered up soon. He's had relationships between us 3.

My therapist says he is a narcissist which makes sense - she is the latest supply.

I know it doesn't matter. I know I should focus on me. But honesty do you think this relationship will last? I can't get over it 💔

Please note that I don't stalk them on social media. She has blocked me and I have blocked him. We live in a small village and everyone knows everyone. I just get told this stuff whether I want to know or not.

OP posts:
chopinwaltz26 · 14/01/2024 21:19

Why don't you just grow up?
Your perception and his are not the same, but take him for as much as you can,

Blossomingx · 14/01/2024 21:23

You deserve better than him, I'm sure you know that deep down but right now you're hurting at being treated terribly by your EX and then left for someone who seems "to be the life and soul of the party".

Ignore her, kindly tell others that you don't want to hear about her/them and work on building your self-esteem up.
Their relationship isn't your concern, they aren't concerned about you so why are you bothered about them? Focus on yourself. Make yourself and your child(ren) your priority.

As much as it hurts you have to try and move forward. It's going to be ok, you'll have happier days and you'll soon realise that you were better off.

Also comparing yourself to others does you no favours. You are you, maybe you can make a list of all of the ways in which you are wonderful Flowers

feeltheheal · 14/01/2024 21:24

chopinwaltz26 · 14/01/2024 21:19

Why don't you just grow up?
Your perception and his are not the same, but take him for as much as you can,

Easier said than done when you're living completely and utterly bewildered by what the hell has happened to your life but thanks for the advice.

He's in debt up to his eyeballs so there's nothing left for me to take. Even if he had a big win, I wouldn't take it.

OP posts:
KnowledgeableMomma · 14/01/2024 21:26

Who cares? The best thing that ever happened was him leaving you. Thank goodness you (and the other baby mamas) are no longer in a relationship with him! You are now free to lead a much happier, healthier life. I feel a little sorry for new local-shop-lady as she is now in the sphere of his terribleness.

MillicentRogers · 14/01/2024 21:26

You can choose to wallow in the mud whilst they bask in the sunshine which may or may not turn into grey skies or you can choose to get up and wash the mud off and get on with your life.

No one is making you think about them but you.

Take control and move on.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 14/01/2024 21:29

Should of been a warning sign having two kids with two different women before you really.

Move on, no big loss.

3sausagedogs · 14/01/2024 21:32

I think time puts everything into perspective x You know this man is wrong for you, you know this relationship is wrong for you, you know it’s for the best, you can do better, but you need you’re heart to catch up with your head x Give yourself time to grieve x Each day you will wonder less and less and after more time you’ll care less too x It’s best to be on you’re own and concentrate on yourself and your daughter! His relationship will end in tears at some point but you’ll get stronger x OP you have to let the bad out to let the better in x

feeltheheal · 14/01/2024 21:32

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 14/01/2024 21:29

Should of been a warning sign having two kids with two different women before you really.

Move on, no big loss.

100%.

I agree. I've been in therapy for the last 2 years. I understand why I fell for his charm. I grew up being a very lonely kid with no self esteem. He's older than me and just made me feel like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I only had 1 relationship prior to him where I was constantly cheated on.

I was wrong to do it but I understand why I did which is the most important thing.

OP posts:
feeltheheal · 14/01/2024 21:35

3sausagedogs · 14/01/2024 21:32

I think time puts everything into perspective x You know this man is wrong for you, you know this relationship is wrong for you, you know it’s for the best, you can do better, but you need you’re heart to catch up with your head x Give yourself time to grieve x Each day you will wonder less and less and after more time you’ll care less too x It’s best to be on you’re own and concentrate on yourself and your daughter! His relationship will end in tears at some point but you’ll get stronger x OP you have to let the bad out to let the better in x

I am trying.

My therapist told me to sit in the bad days. To cry and feel it all. So while people on here are saying to just move on...it's not that easy. This was my marriage. I loved him endlessly and gave him my absolute all until
I had absolutely nothing left to give him. He took it all and gave me nothing back except the fact he went to work which he rubbed in my face quite often.

I will get there. I know I will but I feel I'm in that grief stage right now. I hope it doesn't last long!

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 14/01/2024 21:36

Best thing ever was him leaving. ..you don't need him. You better without him. He honestly sounds awful. Look after your dc and move on from this loser

feeltheheal · 14/01/2024 21:37

KnowledgeableMomma · 14/01/2024 21:26

Who cares? The best thing that ever happened was him leaving you. Thank goodness you (and the other baby mamas) are no longer in a relationship with him! You are now free to lead a much happier, healthier life. I feel a little sorry for new local-shop-lady as she is now in the sphere of his terribleness.

I care! This was my marriage. It's not that easy to just move on like nothing happened. I've been left with my heart ripped out while he is carrying on like nothing happened constantly letting everyone know how amazing his new life is.

I don't know what I did to deserve this.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 14/01/2024 21:38

sounds like a fortunate escape - he's hardly much of a catch, you're well rid.
If it makes you wallow in the past, stop stalking him on social media, get a good solicitor and a good settlement.

Skybluecoat · 14/01/2024 21:42

Nobody can possibly know if his new relationship will last two more weeks, or if they will get married and live happily together until one of them dies.

Seriously OP you need to stop thinking about him/them and just be grateful you can now live an independent life without this horrible man. His life just isn’t your business now, aside from his contact with DC.

Flyhigher · 14/01/2024 21:43

He's a user asshole. He had two babies with other women wasn't that a red flag?

He will finish with this woman don't you worry.

Might take two years. But he will be off.

sarah0106 · 14/01/2024 21:45

Sounds like in the long run you've had the lucky escape even though it may not feel like it now. It's hard but you will get there. Your lil one will keep you busy and slowly day by day you'll gradually find yourself in a better place emotionally and mentally. Keep your head up high you deserve better ❤️

Flyhigher · 14/01/2024 21:45

You are a kind loving person. He's mentality unwell as you said.

You did nothing to deserve it. Other than fall for his tricks.

There are wonderful men out there. Grab one.

Forget this man. 9 years isn't 20 years.

You have time to rebuild.

feeltheheal · 14/01/2024 21:48

ThinWomansBrain · 14/01/2024 21:38

sounds like a fortunate escape - he's hardly much of a catch, you're well rid.
If it makes you wallow in the past, stop stalking him on social media, get a good solicitor and a good settlement.

I don't stalk him. He is blocked and she blocked me so I don't see anything. I don't know how I'd feel if I saw all these pictures of them together that everyone else has - I don't want to see it.

It's what I'm told...on the bloody school run most mornings! I've tried to turn up late for school just to avoid it. I've said I don't need to know. But my friends absolutely hate him so I don't think they mean any harm.

OP posts:
feeltheheal · 14/01/2024 21:53

Flyhigher · 14/01/2024 21:43

He's a user asshole. He had two babies with other women wasn't that a red flag?

He will finish with this woman don't you worry.

Might take two years. But he will be off.

Yep it was. But as I had an abusive childhood with zero self esteem, I didn't see it. I've had 1 relationship prior to him. He cheated on me many many times.

I was desperate to be loved. He love bombed me. I've been in therapy for 2 years. I understand everything. I am trying to work on myself regardless of how this post looks.

But despite it all, I loved him. I thought he loved me. I am allowed to be heartbroken. My therapist says I will heal faster if I just feel everything. Not hide it. Not pretend I'm ok when I'm not. Just feel it. Cry it out. And that's what I'm doing. I think that's allowed surely?

I have been angry. I have been really really strong. But now I just seem to be having some weaker moments and I am scared of them to be honest

OP posts:
GRex · 14/01/2024 21:56

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Keep talking to them and eventually you will see what he is.

tothelefttotheleft · 14/01/2024 22:59

chopinwaltz26 · 14/01/2024 21:19

Why don't you just grow up?
Your perception and his are not the same, but take him for as much as you can,

What an awful reply. Total Lack of empathy.

HeidiIeigh · 14/01/2024 23:33

Struggling to see why you're heartbroken over someone like this. Also how do you know she's blocked you if you've never spoken to her? You must have at least checked her account?

feeltheheal · 15/01/2024 07:23

HeidiIeigh · 14/01/2024 23:33

Struggling to see why you're heartbroken over someone like this. Also how do you know she's blocked you if you've never spoken to her? You must have at least checked her account?

I was with my husband for 9 years. I am allowed to be heartbroken. I loved him very much. Anyone would be the same. He's not the man I thought he was and there is a grief that goes with that.

As for her Facebook - oh I have checked that I'm blocked yes. But I never did stalk her page or check. I was told she had blocked me - again we live in a small place where everyone knows everyone and everything.

OP posts:
Skybluecoat · 15/01/2024 07:26

Tell your friends that you do not want to hear a word about him/her. If they start, palm to the face to remind them. If they won’t stop, they aren’t your friends sadly, and you will have to avoid them.

It will get better.

HeidiIeigh · 15/01/2024 07:34

Anyone would be the same

To be honest I don't think anyone would be the same. He was horrendous for the last 2 years of your relationship, so you only had 7 decent years with him. For someone to be horrendous for the last 2 years and the things that you describe, I think most people would be running for the hills to get away from him.

HalloumiGeller · 15/01/2024 07:48

Firstly, well done to you for realising he was no good for you and ending the relationship, it takes courage to do that (been there). I haven't personally felt the heartbreak you have as I didn't love my ex (12 years together and 2 kids) so the ending of our relationship was a relief more than anything else, but it was still a trauma to go through at the time.

Do remember though, it's easy to make the world believe your life is amazing on social media, its a great smoke screen! When the reality is that he's clearly not as happy as he seems due to the messages he sent you very recently! This is typical behaviour for many men who separate, jumping straight into bed with the next woman they meet 🙄. She is the real loser though, as who finds a man who is a gambling addict, with 3 kids by 3 diff women attractive! Not to mention he left his wife merely 2 weeks before he was already in her bed, then bragging on social media about. She actually needs her head testing!

Hold your head high, keep doing what you're doing and you WILL come through this. Focus on your daughter and yourself, ignore everything going on outside of that xxx