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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Will this relationship last?

33 replies

feeltheheal · 14/01/2024 21:12

Together for 9 years. The last 2 years were awful, he was very mentally unwell. One minute he was unhappy and leaving, the next he wanted to come back and regretted it. He was a gambling addict spending £30/£40 a day though he had a good job and it never left us without money but it did cause problems. We were supposed to save for a mortgage but he was so reckless with money so we couldn't which I am now thankful for. He completely blindsided me. Living with him was emotionally draining.

I can't even answer who ended the marriage finally. He left one day and never came back. I never asked him too though he did try but I remained firm. He got angry then nice then angry and nice etc.

The last 8 weeks of our marriage, he was convinced I was cheating. I wasn't. He was also very careful with his phone and spent a lot of time at our local shop buying costa coffees from the machine there. He would be in there for half an hour at a time. Going out of his way to go.

Within 2 weeks after leaving me, he was in a new relationship. He told me this, I asked him not to involve me in his personal life. I think now he was hoping I would be devastated and it would make me want to save my marriage. But it didn't.

Another couple of weeks went by and ex started messaging me again to say he couldn't believe our marriage was over and he was looking at our last holiday pictures. Saying he missed us all. 2 days later it was official on facebook....he was in a new relationship. 4 weeks after he left me. This lead to me receiving a few messages asking what the hell was going on as most people thought we were still together. I've had messages from his friends telling me I was always too good for him and most people have been supportive.

I cannot be sure but I'm sure I've seen her working in our local shop - the one he was always at. I can't bare to go in so I don't know for sure. However I have seen her in there when I've driven past. It would make sense that it's her. I was always suspicious there was someone he liked that worked in there and I would joke to him about his 'other wife from the shop' as he was there so much. If it's not her then they look very similar!

Anyway, this was 2 months ago. They've had Christmas and both their birthdays so lots of celebrations and big events together.

Apparently they seem blissfully happy on Facebook. She has blocked me. I've never even spoken a word to her in my life but I do wonder why she would do that. I don't even speak to my ex husband unless I have too. I've left them both alone and I'm trying to pick up the pieces at home.

She was introduced to my daughter straight away and they have now introduced her children to my daughter too. Though he doesn't see my daughter much at all - only 4 times for a few hours since November. She's 6 years old.

The new girlfriend has also had previous relationships where she introduced her children her new partner so neither of them seem to think about waiting before playing happy families. They both seem to just do it straight away.

She is the opposite to me. Likes to go out, has a big personality, confident. Makes drunk videos dancing around and puts it on social media. They are both out every weekend.

He has been violent to women in the past. Never to me which he was proud of 🙄 but she doesn't look like she would put up with any of his shit. Which could lead to serious arguments in my eyes.

Equally they could be a perfect match. I feel like such a boring person where as she looks like the life and soul of the party.

I am utterly heartbroken. My ex also seems to now absolutely despise me. His attitude towards me is awful.

She is a rebound surely? But he cannot for the life of him be alone. He always goes for one woman to the next to the next. I was the longest relationship he's had and the only one stupid enough to marry him.

He has 3 kids to 3 different women (including me) and blames us all for the failed relationship. He's had each one of us tattooed on him and covered - well I expect my name will be covered up soon. He's had relationships between us 3.

My therapist says he is a narcissist which makes sense - she is the latest supply.

I know it doesn't matter. I know I should focus on me. But honesty do you think this relationship will last? I can't get over it 💔

Please note that I don't stalk them on social media. She has blocked me and I have blocked him. We live in a small village and everyone knows everyone. I just get told this stuff whether I want to know or not.

OP posts:
HalloumiGeller · 15/01/2024 07:50

GRex · 14/01/2024 21:56

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Keep talking to them and eventually you will see what he is.

She does see him for what he is, that doesn't mean she can't be heartbroken over the end of her marriage.

Iwanttowantto · 15/01/2024 07:55

Exercise, eat well, get out in nature every day, don't drink too much (if you do). Write a to do list each day and tick things off. Enjoy your daughter and do special things with her. Take photos. Make a little effort with your appearance each day. One foot in front of the other until you feel better, which you will. Break ups are hard. But you will feel nothing for this idiot one day.

feeltheheal · 15/01/2024 07:58

HeidiIeigh · 15/01/2024 07:34

Anyone would be the same

To be honest I don't think anyone would be the same. He was horrendous for the last 2 years of your relationship, so you only had 7 decent years with him. For someone to be horrendous for the last 2 years and the things that you describe, I think most people would be running for the hills to get away from him.

Well that's you or them. That's not me. How im feeling is normal. There is a trauma bond there

OP posts:
feeltheheal · 15/01/2024 08:11

HalloumiGeller · 15/01/2024 07:48

Firstly, well done to you for realising he was no good for you and ending the relationship, it takes courage to do that (been there). I haven't personally felt the heartbreak you have as I didn't love my ex (12 years together and 2 kids) so the ending of our relationship was a relief more than anything else, but it was still a trauma to go through at the time.

Do remember though, it's easy to make the world believe your life is amazing on social media, its a great smoke screen! When the reality is that he's clearly not as happy as he seems due to the messages he sent you very recently! This is typical behaviour for many men who separate, jumping straight into bed with the next woman they meet 🙄. She is the real loser though, as who finds a man who is a gambling addict, with 3 kids by 3 diff women attractive! Not to mention he left his wife merely 2 weeks before he was already in her bed, then bragging on social media about. She actually needs her head testing!

Hold your head high, keep doing what you're doing and you WILL come through this. Focus on your daughter and yourself, ignore everything going on outside of that xxx

Thank you for understanding.

I do understand who he is. I do underhand that he is not a good person. But it doesn't mean I can't still be devastated that it hasn't worked out. I put as much effort into our marriage as I could - especially the last 3 years. So for him to just run off with the next woman and act blissfully happy is a massive kick in the teeth.

As for my friends - they are just concerned about me. I've lost almost 2 stone in weight. Barely get myself dressed on a morning. They've helped me do the school run when I wasn't able too - literally a crying mess that couldn't get out of bed. My ex is very very charming and at first they couldn't believe what he had done - they almost felt sorry for him. But over time, they have seen the real him and that's a relief if anything. I felt I had absolutely no one on my side.

I know I will get there. Just right now it feels never ending. Towards the end of our marriage, he promised he wouldn't do this. He promised he wouldn't do what he always did and go straight to the next woman. He never ever sticks to his word so I don't know why I believed it. But he made me feel I was different to his previous ex girlfriends. Plus we are married - he acted like that meant everything to him.

The hardest part is I'm so used to going to him when I'm upset 💔

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 15/01/2024 08:19

I really get how you feel. When my abusive husband left and went off with someone else, I was devastated. I could not just get over it. It was the trauma bond, I was truly in the grip of it still.

It took time but I moved on. Karma got him in the end and no, they didn't last. She faced serious consequences too for his actions. Keep your head held high and keep plodding on every day. You will be ok.

DolphinDreamer · 15/01/2024 08:20

If only it was as easy as some people seem to think to turn off your feelings. Of course you’re upset! You are grieving the end of your marriage. It hurts. It takes time to get over it. I still have pangs, a few years on.

It’s also normal to wonder about the new relationship. And feel pain at the feeling of being ‘replaced.’

You’re doing great, under very difficult circumstances. Whether they will last is impossible to know. But it’s human and understandable to wonder.

I wish you well. I wish you happier and more peaceful times. They will come.

Smartstuffed · 15/01/2024 08:23

Have you considered calmly/matter-of-factly telling each 'gossip' when they update you that you don't need or want to know what either of them is doing; it's of no interest to you whatsoever? It sounds like the last thing you need on top of it all is unnecessary running commentary about him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/01/2024 09:17

chopinwaltz26 · 14/01/2024 21:19

Why don't you just grow up?
Your perception and his are not the same, but take him for as much as you can,

What the hell are you talking about? And how can she take a man who works in a corner shop and has three children for all she can get?

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