To think DS 16 is a bit traumatised at being dumped by childhood friend group

[Lightsideofthemoon]

DS16 was dumped mid last year by his childhood friend group - they’d been a gang since they were 4. I won’t go into the ins and outs but it was horrible for him, he was proper ghosted- the works.

It’s really affected him- he won’t arrange to do anything with his school mates out for school and it’s because he’s so affected by what happened last year. He thinks no one will want to be his friend and he’s lost trust for people. It’s so upsetting! He has got some nice mates in school but it’s just in school at the moment.

I am really worried about him being socially isolated - obviously his main focus at the moment is GCSEs so plenty to keep him occupied.

I have tried to talk to him about it but he’s shut down a bit - it’s clearly deeply affected him and destroyed his self confidence (he’s shy and quiet anyway) - it’s really upsetting.

I am worried about how isolated he is out of school though. I really hope college is better for him.

Anyone got any advice?

I'm really sorry to hear that OP.
Concentrating on his GCSEs for now sounds like a good idea although I understand your concern for him. Being ghosted at any age is awful and knocks confidence down but it's harder at an age where peer approval matters most. I think that once he gets to college he'll find good friends who are into the same things and he'll open up once more.

It won't always be this way, don't worry

Thats awful, was there any reasoning behind it? A ringleader that the others followed etc? Im only asking as maybe you could explain to him that sometimes in a group there will be one person who decides something and others follow , so your ds can understand that it really wasn't anything to do with him.

Especially as it sounds like maybe he is a quieter thoughtful type.

I feel like it’s a bit difficult to answer this without knowing what the reason or ‘reason’ for the ghosting was. Were his friends justified in any way, and is there something he can learn from the situation about how to be a better friend in future? Or was it just unreasonable and horrible on his friends’ part (from your post I’m assuming the latter)?

I’m sorry anyway, I was ghosted by one close friend and it’s incredibly painful and does knock your confidence. But I can guess some of the reasons why she pulled away, so to the extent that my behaviour played a part in it, I’m trying to learn from that.

Gosh, that’s really tough.

Any ideas as to why he’s been dumped by the group? If they’ve been friends since the age of 4, presumably you know the parents. Any chance you can sound them out on it? I mean, I know that probably won’t be a lot of use, since you can’t force kids this age to be friends if they don’t want to. But maybe it might shed some insights.

I have an about-to-turn 15YO who has had a group of friends since the age of 4. They are generally starting to break away and form other friendships - that part does seem normal. However, for the most part, they do still see each other, as well. Having said that, the only time they really get together as a group is when we Mums have a catch-up over a Friday night glass of wine, so it’s not really of their instigation….

What I’m trying to say is that I think it can be very normal for old friendships to start to recede as they figure out who they are as teenagers, and as people. They start to realise they have more in common with new people, and the focus becomes on those friends.

This means it’s not a reflection on your DS, per se. The kids are probably just gravitating towards more like-minded souls. And it’s your DS’s opportunity to do the same.

It’s hard getting this message through to 16YO kids, though. They will look inward and blame themselves, instead of realising, in the nicest possible way, it’s not all about them.

Hopefully you can have some convos and explain this is a normal passage of life, it’s not about him, and to use the opportunity to branch out and get to know new people.

Does he have a part time job? If not encourage him to find one. I made a whole new friendship group when I started working in a pub at 16 and absolutely loved it - some of them I’m still good friends with now, 20 years on! Pub jobs are particularly good for post-work socialising. It’s refreshing as you meet people through work who have no connection to “school you” whatsoever so no preconceptions about who you are and if you’re one of the cool kids or the geeks or what.

@MNUse Ds just quiet, shy & not your ‘typical’ teenage boy I guess. I think he just wasn’t cool enough for them anymore - they are all doing more adult things like drinking etc. They just could have been kinder but they weren’t - they ghosted him and made him feel like there was something wrong with him.

Luckily he does have nice mates in school - he just won’t leave the house at the moment to socialise

@Airdustmoon not yet but post GCSEs he might! It’s been suggested & he seems keen! He’s just got no confidence at the
moment!

Could you get him into explorer scouts or something? That would give him a place to go and friends to talk to without having to be "cool" or whatever.

They sound like arseholes, I’m sorry.

@MNUse yes! Part of me thinks it might be for the best long term as who needs ‘friends’ like that but it doesn’t really help the hurt that he’s feeling at the moment

Aww I feel for him I really do.

Same thing happened to my daughter, still on-going. It’s fucking shit. The silent treatment is the absolute worst. You can resolve an argument, but there’s nothing you can do to if someone ghosts you. It made my daughter question everything. She was completely dumbfounded that people she thought were her friends could behave in such a way. Sadly, it’s not the first time it’s happened. She’s an easy target as she’s quiet and wants to see the best in everyone.

We’ve made an extra effort to take her to the cinema, or days shopping or out for pizza etc so that she’s still experiencing the things/places other teenagers do, but sadly it’s with us and not with friends. The whole situation has broken her.

She has a job, waitressing, which has given her a confidence boost.

Hopefully college will be a new start for your son. At least he has friends at school. I think a lot of teenagers don’t socialise out of school nowadays, which is a real shame.

It's only been six months or so, it will take time.

@Onehappymam your poor daughter too 😔 It’s shit isn’t it- we do the same with DS too.

I feel angry at times at how deeply this has affected my son and how cocky the kids that dumped him are. I hope they never experience what they did to my son. On the flip side my son has said that he will never treat anyone in the same way.

Hope your daughter finds her feet soon too xxx

Sounds like they are getting into heavy drinking weed, stealing from shops. He's not going along with it. So he's out.

But very painful if you've been friends from 4.

So sorry for your son. He can't see it yet but they have done him a favour they seem vile. I think a part time job would be good idea or volunteering. Even just 2 hours a week. Would get him out meeting people and give skills for CV.

not an immediate thing, but are there options like a sixth form or FE college for A levels, where he'll meet a new group of friends?
More immediately, join a gym or get involved in a sport?

That's not guaranteed.

I was bullied by my friend group, left school with no friends, made no friends in college. College isn't a magic solution.

Explorer scouts. Really cannot reccomend it enough. Dc made whole group of new friends his age

You're right of course, I was thinking of my own experience but it's not always the case for others. Maybe I should have worded it as I hope that things work out for OPs son once he gets to college.

Many good suggestions from previous posters, hopefully employment/volunteering will help his confidence and he'll find some good friends.

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair
Sorry forgot to tag you in my reply.
I hope you found your people, friendships can be so hard.

No real advice but understand how crap it feels to watch your son go through this. Same happened with my son when he was 16 he focused on exams and at 18 made a much nicer group of friends.

This happened to me with my best friend all through secondary school, we grew totally apart in terms of interests at the end and she ditched me to the point of getting her new mates to prank call me and spreading nasty rumours. It hurt a lot at the time but I could also see why in a sense - I knew we became very different and I didn't want to change myself to fit her. Could you have a talk with him along those lines maybe?

Similar with dd (currently in year 11 and friendships broke up last summer). Actually not sure it wasn’t for the best but the impact on her has been tough. She’s very close with me and we do things she should be doing with friends - cinema, coffee shops, spa trip, shopping. Her school goes up to gcse so she’ll be going to somewhere new in September. I’m hoping she’ll find her people who treat her how she deserves. She’s shy and very quiet but funny and kind. She deserves awesome friends.

Will he stay on at same school for 6th form? Just wondering if he can find a way to meet some new people.

Part-time job & explorer scouts are both good suggestions.

They don't sound nice tbh - maybe they're trying to impress girls now or be part of cool crowd. However there's ways of doing it & they weren't especially nice.

@TeenLifeMum hope your DD finds her tribe too xx

DS will also go to new college in sept and hoping it’s good for him too! I feel like he deserves awesome friends too who value him!