To think DS 16 is a bit traumatised at being dumped by childhood friend group

[Lightsideofthemoon]

DS16 was dumped mid last year by his childhood friend group - they’d been a gang since they were 4. I won’t go into the ins and outs but it was horrible for him, he was proper ghosted- the works.

It’s really affected him- he won’t arrange to do anything with his school mates out for school and it’s because he’s so affected by what happened last year. He thinks no one will want to be his friend and he’s lost trust for people. It’s so upsetting! He has got some nice mates in school but it’s just in school at the moment.

I am really worried about him being socially isolated - obviously his main focus at the moment is GCSEs so plenty to keep him occupied.

I have tried to talk to him about it but he’s shut down a bit - it’s clearly deeply affected him and destroyed his self confidence (he’s shy and quiet anyway) - it’s really upsetting.

I am worried about how isolated he is out of school though. I really hope college is better for him.

Anyone got any advice?

Summer job for after GCSEs?
Worth pondering whether there might be some good options which employ quite a lot of young people - eg seasonal/tourism roles which will have a lot of students and young people employed for summer holidays

There will be structure - doing the job - but also be will be mixing with others, of various ages, earning his own money which all build confidence and maturity.

Perhaps he finds unstructured socialising quite scary at the moment? Doing tasks alongside others can be a good way to start with talking to others, perhaps there will be after work drinks/hang out in time.

Your poor DS. it’s hard to know what to do, you don’t want to interfere but obviously your DS is at a pivotal point in his life. Fingers crossed everything will be alright. I know it’s no way anything like your DS. Dd11 is having a similar issue with her supposedly best friend. She’s keeping a straight face but… they’ve been best friends since reception, year 6 now, there’s a group of about 6 girls but they’ve been the closest, they got mixed up classes and they still remained besties, until November, when her best friend became close with one of dds friends, that’s not the issue, they each have other friends, the issue is best friend and other friend are obsessed with each other, subconsciously leave out dd, and yesterday a best friend filter was put on Snapchat and best friend put her 3rd on the list. The other friend has form for obsessing with someone and moving on to someone else she’s done it to 4 other people). I said to dd, you’ll be the one to jump back to when she does the same to your best friend. They all walk home together, chatting and such but I can see the distance aswell.
I hate when we can’t help them…

DS had a bit of a rough ride at 16. Not his best friends but a group he’d been involved with from 14. What it taught him was that you don’t have to be part of a gang of lads. He’s realised that it’s good to have lots of groups of friends. As a result he finds making friends far easier than he used to and realises that you don’t have to stay with friends to be cool.
He has two best friends who both went off to uni, DS is on a gap year, but he socialises with one of his friends who is also on a gap year. He is happy with his own company and has also realised that you don’t lose friends if you miss a few nights out.
16 is a bit of a turning point for boys. They start to network a little more. Sport has always opened lots of doors for DS. He plays cricket, through the summer, with a young cricket team ( young farmers type ) he knows none of them through school and he has known most of them since he was 13. He has a separate group of friends he knows through school and socially, they went on holiday/did a few festivals last year. He is going away with them again this year.
Then he has his best friends and their social group.

Boys seem to be different to girls, they don’t rely on a small group of friends and seem to spread themselves around a number of social groups. Hopefully your son will find his tribe or tribes. I would be more worried if he was still clinging to his small group, it sounds like he wasn’t happy with the activities of his friendship group. I think you should be proud that he stood up to them rather than followed the crowd.

Can I recommend signing him up to NCS after GCSE's? They offer an away from home experience for £95 for 5 day trip (3 types; 1 is a business one, another is around social action and one is more of a survival type thing). They also do stay at home packages (free). It sounds just what your son needs - a bit of confidence building.

If you are free school meals etc you can get a bursary.

https://wearencs.com/

Don't worry to much though.
My son was a bit of a hermit 16-18 but he started to go out in last year of school, then has flourished at uni with a girlfriend a job and plenty of friends. He made a lot of real friends online playing driving games. They go to F1 together now.

@Lightsideofthemoon part of me loves that she wants to hang with me but I also know that at 16 she should have her group.

interestingly, dh went to a revision evening with her at school and there were apparently 120 students who went with their parents and dh commented that walking down the corridor so many of her peers excitedly said hi to dd when they saw her. She is liked but doesn’t get invited to do stuff. So that gives me some comfort. She hates all the drama though and prefers adult company.

I’m sure your son will find his group. It’s hard when you can’t fix it for them.

OP - I feel for your son and he will have learned a v valuable lesson in life -sadly.
I was ghosted by the 2 people I hung out at University with for 4 yrs - we lived together, studied together etc.
The first thing I realised was when another friend asked if I was going to Greece aswell after Finals. I had agreed to go round to her place for the evening the week after Finals and she was surprised as knew they were away and had assumed I was going too.

They went and I have never spoken to one of them again, the other tried but really I could not get over how much they hurt me. When I asked her why- she got really shitty with me and I walked out - never to speak to her again.

I am still wary around making new friends - I have gotten over it but It took a v long time. I still do not understand what I did wrong.

Your poor son. How awful. It is bound to be painful and could take him some time to get over.

I know a lot of teens who have been treated badly by their peers. One thing which often helps them somewhat is to spend time with people of other ages: friends, relatives, acquaintances. There's less risk of more rejection and nastiness. Younger children can generally be relied on to look up to older ones, so a young neighbour or cousin who thinks your son is cool will do wonders for his self esteem. I look back on my friendship with the little boy over the road when I was upper primary age and he was four years younger; at a time when my classmates were sometimes horrible, he could be relied on not to criticise my fashion choices or judge me for who my friends were, so it was relaxing to spend time with him. I could help him and I felt competent.

Adults tend to be on an even keel and don't have so many dramas of their own with which to burden their younger relatives. They have figured some things out and are a valuable source of advice and reassurance. They too are unlikely to suddenly dump your son.

There's nothing wrong with spending time with family. Don't underestimate the positive effect of being with his own relatives, who love him unconditionally.

Of course, most teens do want to be with other teens sometimes. It's good to be with people whose experiences are similar to their own and who are going through the same life stage. But your son can be happy for a while with other, less demanding company. In the long run it is good to have friends of all ages to fall back on. If he doesn't already have a social circle like this, he might try some hobby groups aimed at adults, or do some voluntary work.

The teenage years are so tough

Your poor son

Their loss, I say

I would encourage him to see this as new opportunities time to try out new hobbies interests he is curious about whatever that maybe,

Also encourage him to try out new volunteering experiences too,

Has he got or has had in the past any hobbies interests that he could possibly pick up again take further ? 🤔

having a weekend Saturday job would be beneficial for his cofindence and have a dominoes effect of making him more comfortable to get out of his comfort xone to make new friends too

@Saracen

I really like your post ,

I 🤔 think you have given some sage wise insightful good advice for @Lightsideofthemoon

This happened to
My dd2 as well when she was around 14/15 yrs old. Horrible at the time yfor her and us too to a much lesser extent as it affected the adult relationships too as we were good friends with the parents . She ended up needing counselling as the impact was so severe. She ended up moving schools which was far from ideal but I think the new start together with the counselling really helped.she did make new friends and the friendships are solid she's regained trust but she talks about that time and it's had a big impact
I would say it took 12 months or so to settle . I hope it will be the same for your DS . He sounds a kind and sensitive lad. Maybe explore with him if counselling will help?

That's really sad. Do you think he'd be open to fostering friendships outside of school through a hobby? Then maybe later he could casually invite one of his school friends to join him and his new mates. You might need to facilitate something like a sleep over or away day to 'entice' others to join him.
You've kind of glossed over why he's been dumped but if there's been no major change (eg someone new joining) and his friends seemed pretty 'normal' I'd maybe want to get to the bottom of that.
Has he come out, chatted up a mates girl, cheated, grassed...all things that might cause friction. I wonder if part of him staying g friendless is he feels that's what he deserves.im not saying he has done anything 'wrong' but it's unusual for boys to ghost like this.
Good luck.

I’m so sorry your DS (and you) is going through this, OP.

DS (17) had the most difficult times throughout secondary school, absolutely dreadful, in the end, due to bullying, in fact it would be around February of last year, we pulled him out (he had been on a reduced timetable anyway) and school arranged online tuition (of sorts) for his core GCSE subjects. He spent many months in his bedroom, he had one friend and a GF who he saw once or twice a week, I like you worried so much about the isolation.

To cut a long story short he now goes to college and is thriving. He’s met like minded friends, has been out and about with them, loves everything about it, he’s a changed person. So in our experience college has been a HUGE positive.

I really hope it works out well for your DS. It’s really good that he has some lovely mates in school and that he’s still going to school. Even though it hurts now, these old mates who ghosted him will be a distant memory, it will hurt less and less and I’m sure in time his confidence will grow just like my DS’s has.

Good luck and I hope it works out well 💐

This happened to my dd. She didn’t want to vape or do balloons and they started doing a lot of that. Things have improved now a few years on. She can see that they aren’t people she wants to know. It’s been very difficult though and she is wary of being hurt again.
One of their mums was even quite smug with me when I met her in the supermarket implying my dd wasn’t as ‘ fun’ as her dd. Her dd who my dd said vapes so much she is struggling to walk upstairs now. I just smiled and agreed as I know my dd would have hated me to say anything.
It’s crap and I’m sorry. It makes me feel like forming a posse and going full on ninja!

This happened to both my kids at around 15, and talking to both of them now it seems there was a general reshuffle of friendship groups at that age.

I think it’s to do with differing levels of physical/emotional maturity and a sudden divergence of interests. It’s when partying, drinking, fashion, interest in the opposite (or same!) sex really kicks up a gear, and some kids get left behind - and teens being teens, they often effect this transition in the most brutal way, which is totally crushing for the ones being cut adrift.

All I can say is they all seem to get through it ok in the end - both mine have made much happier, healthier friendships on the way through, with people they have a genuine connection with and will likely remain friends with long term.

i really feel for you and your son, though, because it’s so horrible and upsetting when you’re in the thick of it 💐

I think 16 is a real time for teens to go their own track if childhood friends are taking a different road. He is unfortunate that he feels he didn't make that decision himself but in ways he did by not joining in their carry on. He is now in a good place to make firm friends who are his own type. I hope he gradually sees that. My ds had friends up to that age, but gradually through the next few years they fell away and he ended up with the best gang ever by the time he finished school.
Is there anything he can do with his actual school friends now? Do they live far away or can they come over to game or hang out for a while.
Or can he meet up with them at the weekend?

He can always contact Childline to talk about how he feels. Sometimes doing that anonymously is easier than talking to parents, especially as many young people don’t want parents to worry. Childline will likely encourage a child to talk to someone at home where that is appropriate. It sounds like you are doing everything you can and being really supportive, OP, but it can help to hear the same message from someone objective.

God, this has frightened the shit out of me. I can completely see this happening to my tiny sensitive son at that age. There’s no way he’ll get into a pub to drink!

A good child and young person psychologist will help him process this. Really helped my tweenager to think through things. It’s someone independent and helps when they aren’t really listening to you.

I got ghosted by a relatively new group of friends in my 40s. Still no idea why and it was really upsetting. And I had four decades of making and keeping friends to fall back on to reassure myself it wasn’t a reflection on me. Your son hasn’t got that store to help him through this.

What your son has experienced is traumatic and the genuine trauma of it for him should not be underestimated. If you can afford it, a professional to talk it through with, will really help.

That sounds awful and I'm not surprised that your son is deeply upset.

It sounds like they grew into different people, with different interests, it happens. But ghosting and nastiness is unacceptable.

The plus point is that your DS still has other good friends at school. In time they may start to meet up after school.

My DS had a semi enforced change of friends about year 9. His previous group were 'popular' and started partying. DS would go to some parties but there were drugs which were not his thing so it fizzled out. His other group got into computer games, also not his thing.

It took a while but he found his tribe with some of the more academic, STEM enthusiasts. They were not into going out and about initially, which was a bit frustrating for DS, but by 6th Form they went out more.

Your DS is right to focus on his GCSEs right now. Hopefully some of his nice school friends will initiate something when they are over. Then your DS can just accept an invitation.

Just messaging in solidarity.

We've been going through exactly the same, and it is totally rubbish. It escalated to bullying which whilst now has stopped, my DS says going to school feels traumatising due to everything that has happened. He too is very lonely, but more confused as to the why.

Definitely look at things outside of school if possible, however small. Something that cannot be touched by these other people, hobbies, interests, a job, anything. Great points by poster above re making positive connections with family friends, friends etc. This helped over Christmas for us. Counselling too, and a reduced timetable.

As for the 'cool' groups, I try to remind my DS of three things, 1) this will come back and bite them, even if it is in years to come when they think about how they behaved, or when someone else treats them similarly and 2) every dog has their day. They might be having theirs now, but how depressing that is when you think of life! This isn't forever and there are many great things just around the corner, be it college, Uni etc. 3) you are not alone - it happens randomly to lots of people for no rhyme or reason - this (and other) threads shows that. Good luck.

Thanks for all your messages - it has really helped xxx

When my DD was in the first year at uni in a flat share, all 4 girls were planning to share a house together in Y2, when half way through the year the others sent her a Facebook message from another room in the flat (they were all in the flat - she was in her bedroom) saying they had been offered a house for three people they had decided to accept, and that she wasn’t included. Young people can be absolutely vile. Karma when their wonderful three person house was burgled ha ha.