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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shall I tell his wife?

34 replies

NerdyGirl79 · 14/01/2024 15:57

I've got a bit of a dilemma here and I've been mulling it over as unsure of what to do.

So I have a close male friend. We've known each other a long time. He's married and so am I, but we do have a history together from years ago, but that's irrelevant.

We normally chat via text about 2-3 times a week and have done for years. My husband also knows of him, he sees the chats and he's all fine with it. Anyway, a few weeks ago, my friend told me that we should stop talking because he feels like he needs to be a better person and he gives me a lot of compliments so that needs to stop. Fair enough, I'm a bit hurt by that as we've been good friends for so long.

The next day, I hopped onto his Instagram following list as I was looking for a mutual friend and I noticed he started following tons of sexy instagram models. No issue, I don't really care about that. Then he starts liking practically every photo they all post, and has started commenting really sleazy things on some of them, especially one young busty girl in particular.

I decided to send him a quick message to remind him that those likes of his on the pics are public.. his family and a lot of our friends follow him and there's a chance they could see it, I tried to word it delicately. He immediately got angry at me for the first time ever. We've known each other nearly 20 years and never once has he been angry with me, so it was very out of character. He told me that sometimes he may decide to do something that gives others the ick, but he doesn't care.

Okay fine, his choice. Not really any concern of mine. But I've noticed so many more comments now telling this one young girl in particular how he wants to marry her, how gorgeous he is, sending fire and heart emojis etc. It actually makes me feel so angry at him because he has a very devoted wife and two small children. And also the fact that he started doing this a day after telling me he can't talk to me anymore because he needs to be loyal to his wife (even though we hadn't done anything, it's just the history between us).

I really feel like I need to bring it to his wife's attention. But I'm conflicted.. its a public platform so it's not like anyone is snooping on him etc. Should I tell his wife? I think if I do, I'd rather do it anonymously because if he was angry at me weeks ago for merely mentioning it to him, he would probably cut me off completely.

What are your thoughts??

OP posts:
Fiddlerdragon · 14/01/2024 15:59

So now he’s not paying (what sounds like at least slightly inappropriate) attention to you, and is instead paying attention to other women, you want to go telling on him to his wife?

TheLogicalSong · 14/01/2024 16:00

If you tell her, tell her openly, not anonymously. It sounds like your friendship with this man has reached the end of the line - you no longer respect him and he's backing off because his wife isn't happy. Tell her openly then cut contact with your friend.

Tighginn · 14/01/2024 16:00

You sound like a jealous teenager.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 14/01/2024 16:01

It's none of your business, you sound like a crazed jealous stalker.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 14/01/2024 16:01

Also you are snooping, going through his follow list and finding comments he's made... that's not normal.

PoinsettiaLives · 14/01/2024 16:01

It's odd that you are linking any of this to him and you. Take a step back.

His wife will find out soon enough anyway, it sounds like.

weathervane1 · 14/01/2024 16:02

I think you should keep your nose out of his business and stop looking to cause trouble now that you have been hurt. Develop appropriate boundaries going forwards.

KombuchaKalling · 14/01/2024 16:03

Fiddlerdragon · 14/01/2024 15:59

So now he’s not paying (what sounds like at least slightly inappropriate) attention to you, and is instead paying attention to other women, you want to go telling on him to his wife?

That’s it in a nut shell, from what l can see

CharmedCult · 14/01/2024 16:03

You were cool with it when all the compliments were directed at you.

Got a touch of the green eyed monster now though eh!

DiegosMomHasGotItGoingOn · 14/01/2024 16:04

Agree with everyone else, you sound jealous. Concentrate on your own marriage.

Liababy · 14/01/2024 16:16

I think you need to take a step back. You're jealous. I think you know its been more than friends while he's paying you compliments and chatting all week together. Just go and concentrate on your relationship and leave him to his. Oh and stop snooping on his Instagram, that's embarrassing.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 14/01/2024 16:19

You didn't care when you were getting attention though did you?

If the comments are public she can probably see stuff anyway.

Didimum · 14/01/2024 16:24

I think you need to get out and stay out of his man’s marriage in any capacity. No married man needs a close female friend who’s an ex, and no woman needs that ex pointing out his behaviours to her. Stay out, focus on other friendships and move on.

CatamaranViper · 14/01/2024 16:25

What was his online behaviour like before he asked to step back from your friendship?

Chubbywubba · 14/01/2024 16:32

Hmmmm is there a chance he could be liking this woman on Insta to judge your reaction? Maybe he fancies you and is trying to get you to react

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/01/2024 16:32

You sound very hypocritical.

When he crosses the line with you, you don't have an issue. When it's with others, you do.

I would have to question your motivation. Is it really for his wife's benefit?

Dweetfidilove · 14/01/2024 16:34

Ah bless . Are you hoping to help him remain a better person 😂😂

Zanatdy · 14/01/2024 16:35

Definitely not. You haven’t stumbled upon some secret affair, he’s doing this in public. Leave him to it. Maybe stop following him too

Bernieee · 14/01/2024 16:35

why did you go and check out who he was following? Icl it reads as if you’re jealous

WhatIsHeThinking · 14/01/2024 16:36

Thoughts are that you’re interfering and jealous.
You don’t want his attention elsewhere. Don’t try and use his wife as an excuse. You sound desperate to tell her to make his life difficult.

Sartre · 14/01/2024 16:41

Weird you’re so concerned by the things a friend likes on Instagram really. None of your business. If his wife does find out and is upset then that’s for them to deal with, not you.

Findinlovee · 14/01/2024 16:49

He’s reacting to something that’s happened in his marriage

Leave him to it, OP

AhBiscuits · 14/01/2024 16:53

It is absolutely none of your business, stay out of it. Sounds like you enjoyed the compliments.

Alwaysgoingforit · 14/01/2024 17:06

I'd stay out of it, block him and leave him to his sleaze.

fatphalange · 14/01/2024 17:11

It sounds like you want to get back at him for stepping back from (what he perceives to be an inappropriate relationship with) you.
His IG presence is as obvious to everyone else as it is to you, why would his wife not be aware of this? As gross and disgusting as it is.

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