To think he might be a red flag…

[Lilllypad11]

A guy at work had been off for a while now. I’ve been a bit busy and I wanted to message him but I was a bit unsure as I didn’t want to bother him seeing as he was off work.

Last night be texted me saying “oh great” (not hi or how are you to start a convo like a normal person would) I said “erm? Problem” he went “no nothing. It’s just you’ve been the one that’s been super quiet over the last 3 weeks and haven’t messaged” so I said “look, I didn’t really know if you wanted to hear off me or just wanted space. I couldn’t really figure it out” then he later said he was “disappointed I hadn’t said anything” and I was like “well some people like to be left alone. Not that deep”

So then, the convo carried on. And he said something about someone using his office desk space and said “Its my space but I don’t care anymore about what they do.” So I said “what do you mean you don’t care. Where are you planning on sitting at work. On the roof”

Later on he said I’m often a bit “irritated” with him. So I said “I think you’re being dramatic and I’m not tolerating that because it’s not true at all” then suddenly he went “well no I’m saying you’re not always like that” so my response was “I don’t care, I’m not having you tell me about what I’m like when you barely even know me” the convo then carried on.

But I don’t know….are these red flags. I’m starting to think they could be. Either that or he’s super needy.

TLDR: are these red flags from this guy. The conversation is stressing me out and I’m wondering if I’m the problem or him.

for a drink after work at the pub. Yes.

Your messages seem like more like red flags to me than his messages, at least in the context you’ve shared. I’d find them very confrontational.

I get on very well with a colleague of mine (we work virtually and she’s the other end of the country to me). We’ve met up through work and outside or work (when we were holidaying in the general are)

we have each others mobile number and WhatsApp occasionally BUT I wouldn’t dream of whatsapping her if she was off and she wouldn’t me.

what I’m saying is that you not contacting him while he was off is entirely appropriate

I think his are. The “oh fab” or whatever it was instead of a “hey are you okay. Have t heard off you” then when I asked him what his problem was he just said “well you’ve been quiet for weeks” so I said “well I left you for space because you weren’t in” we then talked work and he mentioned his office space. then he turns around to me and says “when do I become more gentle”?!? At that point I did said I’m not having anyone tell me anything about what I’m like. Especially not him.

don’t think he liked that but I won’t have anyone make me feel uncomfortable.

Even your responses here are so combative and aggressive I'm surprised that either of you are still messaging to be honest. It sounds like it could have been something and now isn't, it's gone too far past the first stage where its all lovely and flirty and now just seems game playing and mean. On both sides.

Why not set up a cage fight for your first date? Could be what you are both looking for.

If you have been flirting with him and going for drinks with him you should have texted him earlier to see if he was ok, he clearly thought something was going on between the two of you so was insulted you didn’t enquire
Why are you flirting with him and going for drinks with him if you don’t want some kind of relationship, were you just trying to lead him on to give yourself an ego boost?

Set him straight on the status of your friendship/ relationship and behave like a decent human being!!

Sounds like two angry cats stuck in a room hissing and spitting at each other - why are either of you bothering? It doesn’t sound like you know each other very well, and you clearly don’t seem to like each other very much!

exactly…This is too much friction and drama for someone you’re not even with. You’re probably just not well suited. Move on.

You do sound irritated in your messages to be honest. It's not great communication from either of you but especially his passive aggressive 'oh great' instead of just starting a conversation and saying he was disappointed he didn't hear from you. If he is just a colleague or friend then I'd either talk to him a bit more warmly or leave alone until he was back. If there is anything romantic to it I'd be looking elsewhere

Confused dot com

It should be lovely at the start of a relationship…that’s all I’d say really.

If you really like someone you wouldn’t go three weeks without messaging - and his response to that sounds like a petulant child. You do sound a bit aggressive though op.

I don't know if I've fully understood as it's al a bit intense for just work colleagues.

He was off for three weeks and you claim to be close at work but didn't text to ask if he was ok? That seems odd.

He then texts 'oh great' which appears as being passive aggressive as to why you haven't enquired after him?

?????

Your text exchanges don't sound pleasant from either of you. Why the animosity from you both.

You both sound like hard work.

You're both a bit odd. You should get together and make each other miserable.

I can see why I’m in the wrong. But his immediate message to me annoyed me because it could have been a polite amicable. Hey how are you. And would most certainly get more from me than what he started off with. Then to later say he was disappointed, well I’m not your gf, so there’s nothing to be disappointed about.

maybe it’s because we texted everyday after work before Xmas, or maybe it’s because we’d been out for drinks.

I like the guy a lot to be honest, but I just don’t like the attitude right now.

You’re both the problem, because you are apparently ‘just colleagues’ but also ‘more than colleagues’ and you ‘flirt a lot’ and have apparently also been going for drinks after work.

Either you’re dating or you’re not. You both need to grow up and stop playing stupid games with each other.

Also I guarantee you everyone else you work with is sick of having to listen to your flirting.

No one knows we flirt I usually go when the office is empty.

The attitude men show you in the first few months is them at their best. It isn’t going to get any better. If he felt comfortable to text you “oh great” without any initial explanation this is a sign of how he will be like in the future but worse.

There is nothing that serious between you for you to be agonising over this?

As you said, he’s shown entitlement while you’re not his girlfriend.

Walk away from this one and you can both find better matches.

That’s the way I read it . You are quite happily flirting , then he is off and you don’t contact him ? When he questions that you become aggressive . It all seems very weird to me . You are mixing colleague with potential partner when it suits you .

I'd be inclined to stop flirting and stop texting, and look for a men who appreciates you.

I mean, neither of you seem very happy with the status quo.

So I said “what do you mean you don’t care. Where are you planning on sitting at work. On the roof"... I said “I think you’re being dramatic and I’m not tolerating that because it’s not true at all” ... “I don’t care, I’m not having you tell me about what I’m like when you barely even know me”

Bloody hell, OP, are you this aggressive with everyone?

This is a bloke you've been flirting with and gone out with for drinks. He's off work 3 weeks and you don't get in touch, then you have a row with him?

You're the red flag.

Honestly it sounds like the tail end of a bad relationship, not the start of a good one.

His opening was passive aggressive, and your responses are just aggressive. I know there's not much info to go on but I don't think you'd be very good for one another really.

Sounds like you would both make any relationship toxic. I don’t see any clue that you even like each other. Knock it on the head.

God. How old are you. You both sound like teenagers and one big red flag to me.

You're both red flags the way you're speaking to each other, both aggressive.