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AIBU?

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Original poster

To pull back from SIL as I noticed she makes no effort

43 replies

orh · 14/01/2024 08:56

My SIL and I have a friendly relationship generally.

We have our issues on some level as I think we are quite different.

However I've always involved her / invited her out etc and she's always come over to our house to play with the kids etc. she's younger and childless / unmarried.

A few months ago I noticed that it's always me, asking her to do stuff / suggesting things etc. as well as checking in on her to see how she is etc.

I hadn't really noticed before, but she wasn't really making much effort herself to suggest meet ups etc. perhaps she did in the past and then stopped, I think that could also be a factor. But since I realised I completely pulled back and only see her at family functions.

I still act the same etc but just don't make any extra effort anymore and neither does she.

I can be a bit black and white about these things, but obviously if someone is not making an effort- then it's OK for you to step back and wait to see if they actually want to see you and aren't just hanging out because they feel obliged to ?

She's my DH's sister.

I can't help but think that she may ask herself why I've stopped initiating stuff or if she's just glad I don't anymore.

OP posts:
Itsholly · 14/01/2024 09:23

Meet her where she meets you and put the same energy and effort is as she does for you. Let her question it if she wants to to.

Olika · 14/01/2024 09:28

Of course it's ok to take a step back and match her effort. You cannot always be the one doing the work. Meet her o my in family functions if she isn't facilitating anything.

TygerPassant · 14/01/2024 09:28

This is a bit puzzling. Why have you been making all this effort for someone you don’t appear to particularly like, who doesn’t appear bothered about you, and who is in your life by chance? I’m very fond of my two SILs, but I’ve seen them socially, outside of family occasions, about twice in 20 years!

lemonmeringueno3 · 14/01/2024 09:30

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all but just wanted to offer a different perspective.

I have a good friend who lacks confidence. She was brought up by very strict parents and seems to feel as if she's a nuisance. She once told me that she doesn't make arrangements because she assumes that the other person doesn't really want to see her. She said she always imagines them groaning when they get her message about meeting up.

But she says yes to every invitation so obviously does enjoy spending time with people.

I'm ok with it now. None of us is perfect and that's her 'thing'. Less annoying than the always late friend or the opinionated one anyway. Could that be it with your SIL?

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 14/01/2024 09:33

Maybe she wasn't making the effort because she wasn't overly bothered? Not actively disliking you, because she did come along when you initiated, but also not overly keen on becoming 'buddies'. You don't have to be friends with family, but it does sound like you can get on well enough when needed (which is a lot more than some families do!).

NewYearNewCalendar · 14/01/2024 09:34

Yes, it’s fine to step back and only match her effort.

However, I do this a lot. And sometimes I have to say to myself, am I being a bit petty? Does it really matter if it’s me doing the arranging? If I get enjoyment from a relationship perhaps it’s ok that the other person is a bit flighty about it, if the alternative is that the relationship drifts away.

Therollinghills · 14/01/2024 09:35

I think it's fine to pull back if you aren't happy with being the one making all the effort but it might be because of her being younger, meeting family isn't top of her agenda? I have a cousin mid twenties with no children, I am mid thirties with a child and she never messages me first unless it's a birthday, it doesn't really bother me because I know she's busy socialising and having a good time.
On the other hand, when I was with my ex I made a huge effort with his brother and wife and never got any back whatsoever, so I stopped texting SIL, we didn't speak or see each other for 2 years, which really did prove who was making all the effort there Grin

nononocontact · 14/01/2024 09:41

If you’re older and have a family and you invite her round to yours to see the kids she probably just sees you as being “in charge” and waits for your invitation. She may well think it is rude to initiate in case you think she is inviting herself.

Maybe the disparity is coming in where you are perhaps thinking of her as your friend (and therefore expecting 50/50 effort) whereas she sees you as her SIL and is therefore happy to leave it up to you to let her know when you and the kids are both free. She may worry about being a burden/turning up unannounced etc.

AyeRightYeAre · 14/01/2024 09:45

Does she respond to your efforts?

If no then pull back.

If yes then keep going.

It may be that you are the more naturally gregarious and organised person and she is not.

OnTheBanks · 14/01/2024 09:50

Realistically she may have been coming to be polite? When I was young and child free I had zero interest in playing with children, though I would have pretended to just for the sake of being polite to my sister in law.

zingally · 14/01/2024 09:50

I think you're over-thinking things.

You were put together by total chance. There's no reason why you should particularly go out of your way to be friends. Be friendLY, absolutely. But that's all that's required.
You may well also find that you grow closer when you're more matched in terms of life circumstances. If she has kids and a partner a few years from now, you'll probably have more to talk about, and more reasons to see each other. That's certainly what happened with me and my DHs siblings. My DH is the second oldest of 4, but the first to have kids by a couple of years. We didn't start seeing his siblings anything like regularly until they started having kids as well.

And also, where's your DH in this? There's nothing to stop HIM meeting up with his sister, or inviting her over!

Allwelcone · 14/01/2024 09:57

AyeRightYeAre · 14/01/2024 09:45

Does she respond to your efforts?

If no then pull back.

If yes then keep going.

It may be that you are the more naturally gregarious and organised person and she is not.

Yes this.

New2024 · 14/01/2024 10:06

You are perhaps the initiator of activity because that’s your level of need to socialise. Her need level may be different. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you. Checking in on people definitely isn’t something everyone wants/expects.

2jacqi · 14/01/2024 10:07

@orh why do you feel you even have to do this??

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/01/2024 10:12

Personally I would keep inviting her. You are older and inviting her to spend time with your children. If she were older and had children I'm sure she would reciprocate, but if she is younger and child-free she might not feel you want to come over to her house where there are no toys etc. She can't very well invite herself over to your house, but if she made the effort to go when invited I would assume she wants to maintain the relationship.

GreatGateauxsby · 14/01/2024 10:18

If you get on and she responds positively to invites…

I’d invite her to stuff when it suits you but I wouldn’t go the extra mile.

ultimately I’d be bothering for my kids and to facilitate their relationship with their cousins…

Invisibilia · 14/01/2024 10:20

Hey - just to offer an alternative perspective…. Was she always accepting your offers / seeming enthusiastic? Did you enjoy your time together? And are u sure she doesn’t reach out in her own way - eg saying things like - it would be nice to do this again soon, or does she perhaps perceive you as busy if u have kids and she doesn’t?

I’m just thinking that with my sister in law most of our few individual meetings in the last year have been instigated by her cause whenever I’ve suggested something it hasn’t really been a goer with her - or I’ve started to suggest something in a group function and seen on her a face a look as if she really doesn’t want to. And that’s how I’ve felt when I’ve met her really - like she sees me as an obligation and is just making sure she does her duty!
so I’ve pulled back as it was making me feel a bit low tbh - we used to be friends tho I thought!

however if it feels genuinely one sided from you and uncomfortable - it doesn’t feel good to be pulling all the oars in a relationship! - then there’s no reason not to pull back I’d say and be friendly family members at whatever level feels good for you xx

Invisibilia · 14/01/2024 10:24

Ps that you say you have your issues on some level as you’re quite different - do feel warmly towards each other in general? Just thinking that if a friend said this about me I’d probably still be picking up on a vibe when we met of distance

watcherintherye · 14/01/2024 10:24

I think pp have hit the nail on the head. She might feel that you are ‘above’ her in your family hierarchy, and therefore waits for you to initiate.

DuploTrain · 14/01/2024 10:25

Honestly I’d think that younger childless SIL coming over to play with the kids is a favour to you, not a treat for her! I really appreciate that my family spends time with my toddler. I’d be grateful that she came, not expecting a return invitation.

But yes of course you can take a step back. Does DH not make the effort with his sister?

Inyournewdress · 14/01/2024 10:33

I wouldn’t pull back because I think it’s am important relationship, and there could be several reasons why she waits for you to initiate.

It could be that she has just fallen into that role and thinks that you have the best idea of when the kids are free etc. It could be that she is neurodiverse and struggles to initiate contact and make plans.

Invisibilia · 14/01/2024 10:33

Ps OP in general though Ive found it very helpful and illuminating pulling back where I see effort is one sided in relationships and especially if it brings balance to mental health!
I sometimes think it’s helpful to do a bit of internal checking in - eg is this temporary/contextual/what’s the overall history etc.
ultimately you’re not going nc or anything by sounds if it so there’s always space for it to regrow

Original poster
orh · 14/01/2024 10:34

DuploTrain · 14/01/2024 10:25

Honestly I’d think that younger childless SIL coming over to play with the kids is a favour to you, not a treat for her! I really appreciate that my family spends time with my toddler. I’d be grateful that she came, not expecting a return invitation.

But yes of course you can take a step back. Does DH not make the effort with his sister?

She loves her nieces. She's godmother to one of them and it's a really important relationship for her.

So no, I don't think it's really a plus for me if she comes to play. It's family isn't it.

She's their aunt and she takes that quite seriously.

Of course I don't expect her to spend lots of time with us, she has her life and will be out having fun. I just noticed that if I don't initiate, not much comes back. DH doesn't make much effort unless I suggest it.

It could be because she doesn't want to intrude and feels like I should invite her to hang out, rather than the other way around. I may just talk to her about it when I see her next.

OP posts:
Iamhappy10QLord · 14/01/2024 10:38

orh · 14/01/2024 10:34

She loves her nieces. She's godmother to one of them and it's a really important relationship for her.

So no, I don't think it's really a plus for me if she comes to play. It's family isn't it.

She's their aunt and she takes that quite seriously.

Of course I don't expect her to spend lots of time with us, she has her life and will be out having fun. I just noticed that if I don't initiate, not much comes back. DH doesn't make much effort unless I suggest it.

It could be because she doesn't want to intrude and feels like I should invite her to hang out, rather than the other way around. I may just talk to her about it when I see her next.

Show quote history

Yes, i think you shoukd talk with her.
Otherwise it is just all assumptions.

tishtishboom · 14/01/2024 10:40

I've recently started matching the energy of a couple of problematic people and it's been a revelation. Very freeing.

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