Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pull back from SIL as I noticed she makes no effort

43 replies

orh · 14/01/2024 08:56

My SIL and I have a friendly relationship generally.

We have our issues on some level as I think we are quite different.

However I've always involved her / invited her out etc and she's always come over to our house to play with the kids etc. she's younger and childless / unmarried.

A few months ago I noticed that it's always me, asking her to do stuff / suggesting things etc. as well as checking in on her to see how she is etc.

I hadn't really noticed before, but she wasn't really making much effort herself to suggest meet ups etc. perhaps she did in the past and then stopped, I think that could also be a factor. But since I realised I completely pulled back and only see her at family functions.

I still act the same etc but just don't make any extra effort anymore and neither does she.

I can be a bit black and white about these things, but obviously if someone is not making an effort- then it's OK for you to step back and wait to see if they actually want to see you and aren't just hanging out because they feel obliged to ?

She's my DH's sister.

I can't help but think that she may ask herself why I've stopped initiating stuff or if she's just glad I don't anymore.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 14/01/2024 10:46

If you are a few years older, married, have a home and kids it’s possible that the dynamic is that she waits to be invited and it wouldn’t occur to her to suggest something. She enjoys your company but probably sees you as more adult and ‘in charge’.

Assuming you aren’t taking the piss and only asking her over for childcare then I’d carry on as usual. Things change over time anyway.

LordyMe · 14/01/2024 10:49

I've a couple of friends where I instigate more than me. I'd prefer it to be more equal but I love seeing them and I'm confident they love spending time with me. Both of them are a little less get-up-and-go than me and both have more commitments than me.

waitingforautumn · 14/01/2024 10:50

If she's younger and in a different stage of her life it might simply not occur to her to reciprocate? She probably has other things going on, busy meeting new people etc. Maybe she sees you as the caring big sister making nice plans for everyone to connect and it doesn't occur to her that she needs to be the one reaching out?

I'm sympathetic because I'm not one to reach out to anyone as am very introverted, much prefer my own company to having a packed social schedule - but have always been grateful for those people in my life who continue to make an effort and do the reaching out Flowers

CurlewKate · 14/01/2024 10:58

Do you and your children enjoy spending time with her? Is she a good aunt? If so, keep inviting her. If not-not.

When I was a childless aunt, I loved spending time with my nieces and nephews, but very rarely invited myself to their house.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/01/2024 10:59

She loves her nieces. She's godmother to one of them and it's a really important relationship for her... She's their aunt and she takes that quite seriously.

You are lucky! I think that is a great reason for still inviting her and not dropping her. Why change something that makes her and your children happy?

She's single, younger, and doesn't have children or a partner - so maybe to her it makes more sense to her for one person to come to your house - where everything is in place for the children and possibly there's more space, than to invite 3-4 people over to one person's home which may not have as much space, or toys for the children. Perhaps it is as simple as that?

Several PPs have said that perhaps she sees you as more "senior" in the family hierarchy. Maybe she can see that you are simply busier or have more of a fixed schedule than her and so she leaves it up to you to fix a time that suits you?

So no, I don't think it's really a plus for me if she comes to play.

It sounds like an advantage to have someone happy to play with DC whilst you got on with something.

But you don't think thats a plus? Is there something you don't like about her?
You say you have a friendly relationship generally.. why rock the boat?

Original poster
orh · 14/01/2024 11:07

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/01/2024 10:59

She loves her nieces. She's godmother to one of them and it's a really important relationship for her... She's their aunt and she takes that quite seriously.

You are lucky! I think that is a great reason for still inviting her and not dropping her. Why change something that makes her and your children happy?

She's single, younger, and doesn't have children or a partner - so maybe to her it makes more sense to her for one person to come to your house - where everything is in place for the children and possibly there's more space, than to invite 3-4 people over to one person's home which may not have as much space, or toys for the children. Perhaps it is as simple as that?

Several PPs have said that perhaps she sees you as more "senior" in the family hierarchy. Maybe she can see that you are simply busier or have more of a fixed schedule than her and so she leaves it up to you to fix a time that suits you?

So no, I don't think it's really a plus for me if she comes to play.

It sounds like an advantage to have someone happy to play with DC whilst you got on with something.

But you don't think thats a plus? Is there something you don't like about her?
You say you have a friendly relationship generally.. why rock the boat?

Edited

I just meant, she's not doing me a favour by coming round, like the other posted implied. She doesn't do child care for me or anything like that, which I feel another poster implied. She comes to spend time with us. Not to help.

OP posts:
wombats78 · 14/01/2024 11:08

She might be matching her brother's level of interest? Or how they view social interaction in their family.

I don't invite myself to other people's houses, that includes siblings. They tend to be busy & get cross if you drop in too.

Therefore, the relationship has drifted and they are now unhappy no-one in the family takes an interest.

They do make an effort to socialise with friends, so naturally their dc are closer to their friends' families than me, with no children. Particularly as they holiday together, etc.

There's now no space for me in their schedule, so it's sad but haven't worked out how to fix it. Not sure that there is a fix. We don't have wider family gatherings, so dc dont really know me now.

So think carefully how you want your dc's relationship to be with aunt when older.

Original poster
orh · 14/01/2024 11:12

CurlewKate · 14/01/2024 10:58

Do you and your children enjoy spending time with her? Is she a good aunt? If so, keep inviting her. If not-not.

When I was a childless aunt, I loved spending time with my nieces and nephews, but very rarely invited myself to their house.

I've also been a childless aunt and absolutely adore my nieces and nephews. I would reach out a fair bit to see if we could spend time together.

Being an aunt is a really nice thing and I really cherish it and so does SIL.

I bet it's all about her not wanting to impose on us. BIL comes round all the time unannounced too and I love it. I think it's lovely for my children to have those relationships. I also had and still have very close relationships to my own aunts and uncles. For the avoidance of doubt, I will gently talk to her about it or just explain that I'm always happy to see her, any time and it's never an imposition.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 14/01/2024 11:31

As others have said- as a younger, childless aunt I was reluctant to impose myself on what little children led to me like a very grown up, settled family structure but was always excited to be asked. When I had my own children, I made it very clear form the start that my nieces and nephews were always welcome. I saw my house as a refuge for them and them as much loved older friends for my children. It was lovely.

Disturbia81 · 14/01/2024 11:46

Yes you are lucky she comes round to spend time with them, many aren't bothered. Appreciate what you have. Instead of thinking up problems

Original poster
orh · 14/01/2024 11:52

Disturbia81 · 14/01/2024 11:46

Yes you are lucky she comes round to spend time with them, many aren't bothered. Appreciate what you have. Instead of thinking up problems

That's not fair either. I'm not making up problems.

She's not come over in 4 months and she lives 5 minutes away.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 14/01/2024 12:11

She’s just at a different place. When I had no kids I had other things going on and it wouldn’t have occurred to me. Step back if you want to, as long as it’s not obvious or mean there’s nothing wrong with either of you not making an effort

girlfriend44 · 14/01/2024 12:16

Either have a word or leave it.

Even if you have a word, it won't necessarily change.

If you stop making an effort you'll find out how bothered she is. I don't think this is uncommon.

WristCandy · 14/01/2024 15:33

She's not come over in 4 months and she lives 5 minutes away.

Then she's really not that bothered, OP. No way would a keen aunt be that hands off when so close by.

OriginalUsername2 · 14/01/2024 16:13

I think when you’re younger you kind of expect the older ones in the family to tell you what’s happening. Perhaps it’s just habit?

Or she’s not an organiser type. Or as someone said above, she might be one that feels a burden when she’s the initiator.

wombats78 · 14/01/2024 16:39

CurlewKate · 14/01/2024 11:31

As others have said- as a younger, childless aunt I was reluctant to impose myself on what little children led to me like a very grown up, settled family structure but was always excited to be asked. When I had my own children, I made it very clear form the start that my nieces and nephews were always welcome. I saw my house as a refuge for them and them as much loved older friends for my children. It was lovely.

Aw, this is lovely. You sound great.

I am sad I don't have a close relationship with my DN but you can only do so much if you feel in the way when you do visit.

WristCandy · 14/01/2024 16:45

That's so sad, @wombats78. How old are your DNs?

CurlewKate · 14/01/2024 18:24

@WristCandy "Then she's really not that bothered, OP. No way would a keen aunt be that hands off when so close by."

Unless, like many of us n the same situation have said, she feels that it's not up to her to decide when a busy family are happy for her to visit. If you and your children enjoy her visits,@orh, keep inviting her.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page