Son called me ugly

[Bigbouncingbaby]

Are I right to be feeling totally pissed off. Watching gladiators with my son he asked me if I thought someone was pretty . I said yes . Then he said out loud

Your ugly though . You were when you were younger .

I was like how do you know and he replied ….I’ve seen photos

I feel really hurt . If he said it in anger or an argument it wouldn’t seem so bad 😰😰😰

Is this not strange

How old is he?

You've forgotten his age here, which will obviously be relevant.

Id pull my six year old son up for saying something like this, it's hurtful and not okay. How old is he?

“And we share 50% of our DNA. Sorry son!”

Yeah that’s very hurtful. How old is he? How did you react? I don’t think it does children any harm at all to see their parents have feelings which can be hurt (provided they’re just being thoughtless - if they’re deliberately trying to wound, it’s probably better to seem unbothered).

That's not nice and I'm sure you're not. How old is he? I'm sorry though, that must have been very hurtful. Unmumsnetty hugs

Say to him “it’s a shame you think that because you look just like me”

If age appropriate I would have a chat with him about hurtful comments. I wouldn't accept my child saying that to another child and I wouldn't accept them saying it to me. Plus what is ugly anyway. Beauty is not necessarily visual or conventional.

If he's a child he's probably equating 'pretty' with certain attributes, long hair, colourful made up faces, particular body shape and general glamour as per media even that aimed at children. If he's a teen he's being nasty to you as they often are If he's older than that, then I'd be worried (for reasons nothing to do with my appearance).

That's very unkind. Sorry OP. I'd be having a conversation about that, whatever age. The bollocking level would be age dependent, but I wouldn't leave it without saying something.

YANBU, I'd be hurt if my son said that,

We have a blanket rule in our house to never say anything unkind about anyone's appearance, either to them or behind their back. I would use this an an opportunity to teach him that words have meaning and can really hurt.

Sorry he is 10. We have had alot of issues he hasn’t been the easiest of children . Very disrespectful can get very angry etc

I did tell him that was hurtful but he just says oh I was only joking

Why are posters calling OP out on her Sons lack of manners?? It's obvious he wasn't that young..to have the audacity why he thought OP was ugly when she was younger. Even at 5 kids need to learn not to be unkind to others, there's some things you can't say!

You need to tell him he is rude and that he doesn’t speak to people like that.

”Oh that’s hurtful” will do nothing. Do some real parenting and teach him about appropriate behaviour.

Obviously when I tell him no or we argue I’m the worst mother etc but thats not so bad as it’s in anger . It was just the harshness of this . I always tell him when I pull him up on his behaviour to be kind .

The 'only joking'things needs to be nipped in the bud, otherwise it just becomes a get out of jail card to be mean. Tell him that in your house, you only tell jokes where nobody's feeling get hurt. Tell him to think about what the joke is before he says it, and if it's something that would hurt someone's feelings, then it's not a good joke and shouldn't be said out loud. A ten year old can manage that.

All this worst mother stuff needs nipped in the bud. Don't react.
'OK, you think I'm a bad mother. Well I'm still your mother and I expect a level of respect'.

Dont let him weasel out of being unkind to you. It's shouldn't be an argument. Tell him you expect a level of respect and that's that.

My son has said this to me in the past. He has SEN.

I'm not ugly and I wasn't when I was younger but I don't wear lots of make up or embellishments like eyelashes etc. When I do dress up and wear enough paint to rival a drag queen, he tells me I look pretty. He is a young boy who is learning what pretty is - to him he had defined it as a very narrow category of a high glamour gym bunny (which I am definitely not!) so therefore in his mind I was not pretty and therefore ugly.

I would think about the context of the conversation. Unless you look like one of the women on Gladiators, he won't define you as pretty. I am sure you are attractive and pretty in a different way - and don't need a ten year old boy to validate that.

It’s unusual for a 10 year old to say this, unless they are neurodivergent, or deliberately trying to hurt someone’s feelings. A neurotypical child of this age, is old enough to understand the impact of their words.

Sit your DS down and tell him that what he said was rude and hurtful. Ask him why he said it. Ask him
how he would feel if you, or someone else, had said this to him. Educate him about why what he said was unacceptable, by asking him questions and getting him to think for himself about why he was wrong.

Erm 4 kids not one has learnt to say disrespectful things like this

My youngest is like this. She is autistic though, and would not be wrong, I have never been 'attractive'!

At 10 I'd punish him for that kind of rudeness. It would really piss me off. Hes more than old enough to understand he is being offensive.

I'd do a 'Get out of my sight if you can't be pleasant and don't think you're going anywhere at the weekend either' sort of sanction. A punishment of exclusion if you like. Enforces the message that if he wants to be unpleasant then no one will want to be around him.

He'd spend the next few evenings in his room without any of the luxuries that his ugly mother pays for until he reevaluates his choices and checks his attitude.

I'm sorry this happened, OP. Even if you brush it off, it is still incredibly hurtful.

Your son is still young enough to have these behaviours and issues worked through and stamped out. For the sake of future women in his life, including girls at school, teachers and women in general, he needs to know he can't say that. He just can't.

When he's older he might be able to handle a more nuanced explanation about subjectivity and attraction and the fact we are not all supermodels. But for now he needs a more black and white 'You cannot say that to someone. Saying things like that is wrong and makes you a bad person. You don't say that to anyone, ever. Not your mum, not boys OR girls or grownups. It doesn't matter what the person looks like, or whether you're angry with them or don't like them. That doesn't make it alright to say'.

I'm sorry it falls to you, the hurt one, to teach him that. Do you have a partner or another family member who could back you up? I remember things feeling much more serious as a kid when it wasn't 'just' my mum telling me off.

Does your son have any issues around impulsivity or blurting things out/ saying inappropriate things? Or is this an infrequent thing?

little brat. ''brown cat brown kitten'' as they say.

My son also said some really hurtful things to me a while ago, I resisted the urge to say the same back to him. He just said whatever he thought would hit a nerve.