Son called me ugly

[Bigbouncingbaby]

Are I right to be feeling totally pissed off. Watching gladiators with my son he asked me if I thought someone was pretty . I said yes . Then he said out loud

Your ugly though . You were when you were younger .

I was like how do you know and he replied ….I’ve seen photos

I feel really hurt . If he said it in anger or an argument it wouldn’t seem so bad 😰😰😰

Is this not strange

Tell him it was rude and bad mannered thing to have said and to wind his neck in.
It's certainly not a nice thing for a son to have said.

I would think about the context of the conversation. Unless you look like one of the women on Gladiators, he won't define you as pretty. I am sure you are attractive and pretty in a different way - and don't need a ten year old boy to validate that.

It doesn't matter whether he defines his mother as pretty; he shouldn't be calling her ugly. You don't need to have a confidence problem to feel hurt when you're son calls you ugly.

I taught mine that you don't comment on someone's appearance whether it is a person's clothing choice, hair cut or colour, body size unless you can say something positive.

My DS is autistic so I’ve probably got a bit of a thicker skin than most - I’d probably say it’s a good job being attractive doesn’t make you a better person and use it to talk about how it’s subjective anyway.

You need to follow that up.

Ask how you were supposed to know he was 'only joking'?

Ask if he thinks it's OK to insult people and then turn around and dismiss their hurt because he was 'only joking'?

Are other people's feelings the problem, in his opinion?

You need to tell him straight up that 'joking' isn't the same as dishing out gratuitous insults, and he needs to apologise to you.

Give him a few examples of insults.
"You're stupid/ smelly/ fat/ useless at sports" ...

Would he feel the person dishing out those insults was joking?

Don't raise a narcissist.

Don't engage with that sort of comment from this ten year old.
Your response to him was basically "Kick me again".

Call him out - address the rudeness and the hurtfulness, not what he specifically said. Do not take any excuses. 'Just joking' is a short hop to 'Just banter' as an excuse for sexual harassment, racist comments, and all sorts of other offensive behaviour and speech.

My adhd kids come out with this crap. Don't engage.
I would have gone with 'well that was unkind' and 'do we need to have another chat abut thinking before we speak and hurting other people's feelings'
Then a large inward sigh

Yeah he can be frequently unpleasant. In his football team he has a number of issues . We had to remove him as he was disrespectful and even starting insulting his own teammates. We took him out of the team . He can be lovely but has a really unpleasant side

If I am really ugly chances are you are too. But I suspect we are both OK.

I’ve sat down and spoken strongly with him about this . Told him totally out of order and it won’t be tolerated . I asked him how he would feel . Naturally very apologetic but it’s said now

My daughter (11) told me I'd done nothing with my life the other day, then immediately said sorry of her own accord. That stung so I can empathise.

We are an ND household and we can say harsh things to each other, but I still always pull them up on it and tell them when they've said something rude. I explain every time that it's unkind and ask them if they'd feel ok if I or a friend said that to them? My youngest DS always gets defensive and angry when I do this, but I do it anyway. I also remind him again later when he's calmer, like at bedtime.

I also tell them that in a different setting, like school, this could result in them getting hit or falling out with people.

I don't seek out a sorry from them because with consistency they've started to apologise of their own accord.

@Silverbirchtwo 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I thought sons loved their mums !!!!!

I agree sorry is pointless and means nothing . I want him to understand why he can just say these things

That is rude. Needs to be told he has crossed a line. If he tries to pull that stunt outside he will end up with a sore face unfortunately.

Well done for speaking to him. He should know it is unacceptable to make hurtful comments like that.