AIBU to still settle my DC at night?

[InADifferentLife]

Please don't make this a thread about cry it out style, parenting, pros and cons. I've been there and done that and read all the threads about it and really don't need this to be the same please!

I am surprised that so many school mums report the same as me, in that: they still settle their children at night in order to be able to help them sleep, happily, rather than begin to get anxious and disturbed nights .

There are 101 reasons for each child to be in this place, from those who were traumatised by lockdown in Covid to traumatic domestic abuse and divorce proceedings, to name but a few.

I suppose I wanted to talk to some more people about their experience and what they do to settle their children at night. How long do you think that will last for and do you try to do anything to actively to work towards their self settling or are you simply being there when they need you to be and letting nature take its course?

How old are your kids? You’ll get more useful answers if you say.

Age kids?

And what do you mean by settle your kids at night? Do you mean story, chats, cuddles and a kiss good night, staying until their asleep, settling them back down in they wake up?

I read mine two or three stories when they were young (I mean as in having started school) then I said goodnight and went away.

I don't know why some parents stay with children until they're asleep. You could potentially be there for hours.

3 or 4 - I’ve done that at times. 9-10 - I’d have been desperate if faced with that.

In between ages - probably hard to say. When I was an au pair, the children’s mum settled the 8 year old. She was recently divorced and he was very clingy.

I don't, but mine are in their 20s.
I still call out "goodnight, love you" when I go to bed though. Which is a bit like settling i suppose.

I mean, having looked after them before and after school, I wanted time in the evening for myself.
DH did the same when he put them to bed.

The evening is for adults.

I mean if they are 18 then it's pretty unreasonable, if 6 or so then I'd imagine most parents do it sometimes.

The age really does matter!

If you have an 18 year old who needs support at bedtime, it's not unreasonable to give it.

There are far too many variables for a black/white answer here

Supper?

I always expected them to be able to settle themselves tbh. Dinner, bath, story, kiss, night night. Do not disturb me unless unwell or nightmare, otherwise stay in your room, even if awake, and you will eventually fall asleep.

What do you mean by settling? My three year old often wants me to sit in the chair beside his bed until he feels sleepy, I compromise with him on how long I'm willing to do this (usually hes happy with just a few mins, sometimes ill say not at all if I'm too tired with jobs hanging over me). Very occasionally he will want me to come back after I've left and then I'll go back and sit longer, but its rare for him to need that.

Why are you asking, @InADifferentLife?

@TheShellBeach

Supper?

A typo. I edited immediately. You are fast.

Argh sorry!

Depends if they're 4 and 5 or 16 and 17

YANBU if it works for you, your child and the rest of your family.

We usually read to DD5 until she falls asleep, some nights it takes longer than others. She is capable of self settling but some nights she wants us there and I don’t really see a massive issue.

I can see why it wouldn’t work in different circumstances and I don’t really judge others.

You must have known that your kids ages was relevant here! And what do you mean by settling? Since they were very young, putting my kids to bed involved tucking their sheets around them, giving them a hug and a kiss, telling them I love them, and saying good night. 5 minutes at the absolute most. I miss doing that and it was a sad day when they each decided that they were too old for that and could put themselves to bed.

Having read the OP again, I see she's asking about self-settling.
OP assuming no additional needs, I'd expect a school-aged child to have been able to settle itself from 9 - 12 months old.

If not, you're making the proverbial rod for your own back.

Youngest are 6yo and 8yo, I still lie with them until they are asleep.

How long does that take?

Why?

My 6 year old is waking up most nights at the moment. Quickest way for everyone to get back to sleep is for me to climb in with her. I usually wake up 2 hours later and go back to my bed. It won't last forever.

Exactly my response. Bath, story, bed , the end 🤷

maybe as tiny babies but with my 3 as soon as they were sleeping through the night I’ve never had to “settle” them.

Also what do you mean by traumatised by lockdown?

Usually around 10 to 15 minutes. Has been longer when they are smaller. Sometimes when reading their stories they drift off before getting to the end of the book. Just depends how tired they are.