AIBU to still settle my DC at night?

[InADifferentLife]

Please don't make this a thread about cry it out style, parenting, pros and cons. I've been there and done that and read all the threads about it and really don't need this to be the same please!

I am surprised that so many school mums report the same as me, in that: they still settle their children at night in order to be able to help them sleep, happily, rather than begin to get anxious and disturbed nights .

There are 101 reasons for each child to be in this place, from those who were traumatised by lockdown in Covid to traumatic domestic abuse and divorce proceedings, to name but a few.

I suppose I wanted to talk to some more people about their experience and what they do to settle their children at night. How long do you think that will last for and do you try to do anything to actively to work towards their self settling or are you simply being there when they need you to be and letting nature take its course?

DS is 6. He likes me to be with him until he falls asleep and always has done. At the moment he’d sleep with us every night if we let him so we have an agreement that he comes into our bed every other night. He used to sleep well alone but last year I nearly died and was in hospital for a fortnight and he’s needed reassurance since then.

DD is 2 next month. Since birth she has always preferred to fall asleep in her own bed, on her own. She likes stories and a cuddle but then to be left to settle herself. They’re very different personalities. DD managed me being away by developing a closer relationship with DH, who was obviously alone with them while I was in hospital. She was much younger than DS of course and doesn’t seem to have become any clingier as a result.

But regardless, I will always be there to settle them and be with them when they want me. It’s more than stories and goodnight. It’s knowing they’re comfortable and secure when I leave them.

Mine wanted a parent with them as they fell asleep until between the ages of 7& 9.
They grew out of it at their own pace & didn't want company for falling asleep after that unless perhaps feeling very unwell but not even then after about age 10

8yo will say "don't leave me on my own " or "I'm scared" so it's easier to take the hit straightaway, stay with them rather than have a drama. One day they won't want me!

Older DC grew out of this kind of stuff very quickly. I'm parenting two different generations in the one household 🤷🏻

That's true, and as I said upthread it was a sad day when my kids thought they were too old for me to tuck them in. (I'd still love to do it now and they're in their 20's!) But I never stayed with them until they went to sleep so I don't think it ever occurred to them that that was an option and they never asked. I'm glad about that because I would have hated the "don't leave me on my own" drama.

If it stresses you or strains a relationship or is an important cause to avoid others or chores yes it's unreasonable if it's giving no one a problem it doesn't matter.
I was desperate for an evening so did gradual withdrawal as I wouldn't leave a child to cry.
My niece still settles and sleeps with her 12 year old son.

I don't really get this. It's not much of a hardship to sit with your children for 10 minutes whilst they fall asleep.
I have three, aged 3-13 who have all gone through stages of wanting me to sit with them whilst they drift off. My youngest currently wants me to. I can't remember the last time the older two asked me to sit with them at bedtime.

It's the old "If it's not a problem for you it's not a problem", why would it matter to anyone else? I still breastfeed my 2.5yo DD to sleep and if she doesn't fall asleep on the breast I sit with her and stroke her back until she drifts off, never takes very long and I don't mind doing it.

My other two didn't want company so I have experience on both sides of this, tbh. It's a tough one. Ultimately, I can rest as they fall asleep so it's not a huge ordeal just now. One day however, if I need to be out in the evenings they will just have to accept that when the time comes.