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AIBU?

I'm not part of their family am I?

107 replies

DiscoDragon · 13/01/2024 12:28

My mum cheated on my dad back when I was around 2 years old and eventually left him for the man she is now married to. I have 2 step brothers, although I've always thought of them and called them my brothers not ste-brothers.

I was always treated very differently to my brothers growing up. I was expected to pay half my wages in rent to my mum as soon as I started working full time at 18. I was told long before I was even thinking about moving out of home that once I was gone that was it, there would be no coming back home again, this was "tough love" to encourage me to stand on my own two feet. I was not invited on their family holidays

My brothers have both left home and come back again multiple times over the years, both have had girlfriends moving into their parents house with them - rent free so that they could save for their futures. Both are still currently living there in their mid/late thirties after one brother split from his long term partner and mother of his 2 children.

I only learned in December that my brother and his girlfriend seem to have split and that he has been off work with MH issues for several months. Also that his ex-partner is pregnant with their 3rd child - due in a few weeks. I had absolutely no idea, none of my "famliy" have shared any of this with me! I had gone to brothers ex's house to take a birthday present for my nephew. When I arrived our youngest brother was also there with his girlfriend with presents for nephew, all making a big fuss.

A few days after Christmas it was my son's birthday. My mum got him a tiny lego set and £10 (to be fair she is disabled and can't get out to the shops and relies on her husband so this is his doing). My brothers couldn't even be fucked to get off their asses and come wish him a happy birthday when we were at my mums house let alone get him a card or a present. My older daughter had her birthday in October and was spoiled rotten by everyone, cards and presents from everyone.

It has all left me feeling so upset, like I'm just not considered a part of their family at all. I am so fucking angry that my daughter gets spoiled on her birthday and my son is barely acknowledged. I don't understand why.

I'm thinking of not bothering with any of them from now on apart from my mum. I wont bother acknowledging the birth of my brothers 3rd child or with his other childrens birthdays and next Christmas I'll stick to my mum, dad and my own children when it comes to gift giving. AIBU?

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Am I being unreasonable?

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Spomsored · 15/01/2024 03:09

mumsytoon · 13/01/2024 15:27

She has Parkinsons and he is her main carer, I'd prefer to keep it that way if I'm honest, I don't want that responsibility to fall to me.

That is her karma op. She was a really, really bad excuse of a 'mother'. She is the root of all your trauma. Hold her accountable.

Parkinsons Disease isn't fucking karma! Saying shit like that completely destroys the validity of anything you say. Do you honestly believe only bad people get life changing illnesses?

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Avacardo2023 · 15/01/2024 09:21

@Spomsored I read it that her karma was being stuck with her horrible husband as her carer, whereas if she had been a decent parent the OP likely would have helped.

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RedHelenB · 15/01/2024 09:54

DiscoDragon · 13/01/2024 13:22

I can't go NC with my mum, I just can't. I can't blame her for being the way she is, she fought for custody of me. I saw how frightened and upset she was in hospital with me after I took an overdose aged 20. She must care in her own fucked up way.

My brothers and I were never close but I had always thought we got on well enough, I am upset to realise just how little they seem to think of me and my children this year.

Seems odd that you don't blame your mum but do blame your brothers Your mother didn't and doesn't care for you I the way you want her to. I think you might feel better for going low contact with that side of your family, pit your effort into those who do care about you.

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Pumpkinpie1 · 15/01/2024 10:12

OP reading your post and what you’ve gone through makes me think that’s an amazing strong brilliant mum.
Your kids are so lucky to have you.
I think therapy will help you make sense of your past and how that impacts you today.

My only advice is focus on your positive relationships, your kids and dad.
Dont waste your energy on those who don’t bring joy into your lives. Basically all of your mums side.
They are draining you and making you unhappy.
I would also limit the time you spend with your mother, having Parkinson’s or a bad childhood etc does not excuse her actions
and you’re constant thinking about her and “why “ isn’t helping you.
You and Yours being happy could be your new mission statement.

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DiscoDragon · 15/01/2024 12:05

RedHelenB · 15/01/2024 09:54

Seems odd that you don't blame your mum but do blame your brothers Your mother didn't and doesn't care for you I the way you want her to. I think you might feel better for going low contact with that side of your family, pit your effort into those who do care about you.

I don't blame my brothers, as I said in the post you quoted I always thought we got on ok, albeit not particularly close and that I've been upset by their thoughtlessness to me and my children this Christmas and ignoring my sons birthday. I remembered my nephews close to Christmas birthday and made the effort to get him a card and present and take it to him. My youngest brother and his girlfriend were also there with gifts. They also both managed to remember our mum's boxing day birthday. It's only my son who got snubbed. Even if they did forget initially my son was at their house on his birthday, they could have nipped to the shop and got him a card at least, they weren't busy!

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DiscoDragon · 15/01/2024 12:15

Dringle · 15/01/2024 02:25

Tbh it would seem strange if someone with your background had never struggled with their mental health! I can see the hallmarks of depression in your posts with some of the things you say and the anxiety is very clear. Nhs mental health services are woefully inadequate, I hope the waiting list for therapy isn't too long as I think that will really help you.

There's nothing wrong with being quiet and awkward but is it really that or is it about feeling the need to shrink yourself and blend into the background? Standing out and being noticed is not a safe place to be according to the rules you were made to live by so it would have been unthinkable to be anything other than the quiet one on the outside of the group. Were things different when you were living in a different area?

I don't like to stand out or be noticed no, I don't remember ever being any different. I did manage to make friends through work when I was younger, some I got very attached to and when they all eventually left the place we worked and moved back to their home towns I took it very hard and I suppose was more reluctant after that to make new friends.

When I was living in a different area I didn't make any friends of my own as such, but did make friends with my partners friends and family. I've always tended to hide behind others and let them lead the way with regards to friendship.

In my first primary school I didn't have a single friend, I tried to talk to kids in my class a few times and was blanked and so I just clammed up and never tried again. When I was 7 we moved to a rural village and within 5 minutes the girl who lived next door was knocking on our door asking for me to go out and play. I didn't want to at first but my mum made me! This girl was very outgoing and friendly and immediately decided that as we were neighbours we would be best friends. She looked after me at school, helped me make other friends and really helped me to come out of my shell. On my own I'm hopeless at making friends most of the time!

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DiscoDragon · 15/01/2024 12:22

Pumpkinpie1 · 15/01/2024 10:12

OP reading your post and what you’ve gone through makes me think that’s an amazing strong brilliant mum.
Your kids are so lucky to have you.
I think therapy will help you make sense of your past and how that impacts you today.

My only advice is focus on your positive relationships, your kids and dad.
Dont waste your energy on those who don’t bring joy into your lives. Basically all of your mums side.
They are draining you and making you unhappy.
I would also limit the time you spend with your mother, having Parkinson’s or a bad childhood etc does not excuse her actions
and you’re constant thinking about her and “why “ isn’t helping you.
You and Yours being happy could be your new mission statement.

Thank you, that's a really nice thing to say. I don't feel strong or amazing, most of the time I feel like I'm barely holding everything togther.

You are right about wasting my energy on mum's side though, I've already been spending a lot less time there recently, I have enough to be getting on with caring for my children and partner and spending time with my dad. I do want to sort my own life out this year, work on my weight and health issues etc, look into moving house and maybe at some point do some retraining and try to get back to work.

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