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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do people really change for new partners?

31 replies

somenotes · 13/01/2024 12:07

Months ago I was snooping on STBXH socials. He's in a relationship with a woman he values? and not the one he cheated with. When they first got together with new woman he changed his profile picture to theirs. Unfortunately, a few weeks later they broke up and he proceeded to post a ton of quotes indicating he's hurting. This is something he didn't do when our 6-year marriage ended.

They got back together after a 4-month break and he immediately deleted his SM. And 6 months in, he is still standing strong. I presume she asked him to get rid off the accounts.

I'm very surprised by his behaviour because we never had each other on SM. He was generally a bad husband (cheating, lying, ghosting etc. typical narcissist) and father. He chooses to have very minimal contact with DC and only visits about twice a year.

I don't think people can change in short months but maybe he has?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 13/01/2024 12:10

I doubt it very much, you can adapt your behaviour yes, particularly through therapy etc but you are who you are.

StBrides · 13/01/2024 12:12

Tough one...Part of me says a resounding 'no', part of me says yes...

I think it is possible, when that person genuinely cares for and truly loves someone, to be a better person for them & because of them. Some relationships bring out the best in us, others the worst and people do grow.

I think people can also behave better in relationships when the couple are aligned on values and perhaps share behavioural traits.

But. I don't think this is true in the case of your ex or he'd have been inspired to be a half decent father.

Skybluecoat · 13/01/2024 12:14

Why do you care?

It sounds like you are still hurting OP so maybe you should protect yourself and not look at his SM. 💐

CarefullNow · 13/01/2024 12:15

StBrides · 13/01/2024 12:12

Tough one...Part of me says a resounding 'no', part of me says yes...

I think it is possible, when that person genuinely cares for and truly loves someone, to be a better person for them & because of them. Some relationships bring out the best in us, others the worst and people do grow.

I think people can also behave better in relationships when the couple are aligned on values and perhaps share behavioural traits.

But. I don't think this is true in the case of your ex or he'd have been inspired to be a half decent father.

Agree. Seems in this case he’s acting out of self-interest, which is all he was ever doing anyway really.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 13/01/2024 12:16

I don’t necessarily think their personalities change but I think the next partner sometimes has far less tolerance for bullshit. I think she’s given him some boundaries and made him not complying a deal breaker and he’s decided that he’d rather that than lose her. Fundamentally he hasn’t changed but he understands that continuing to exhibit behaviours that his dp deems unacceptable will result in the loss of this relationship she he’s forced to step up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2024 12:16

Some couples bring out the worst in each other. It’s possible and likely for a person to be different depending on what the other person is like, and will tolerate.

headcheffer · 13/01/2024 12:19

Yes of course people can change. How depressing would it be if we went through life never being able to improve ourselves or change. I know I've hurt people in the past with my words or actions, and I've often reflected on those times and changed my actions in the future. Some of them I look back and am boggled because I would NEVER do some of that stuff now because I'm a totally different person.

NewNameNigel · 13/01/2024 12:20

I think people grow and change throughout life. People learn from mistakes and mature. And people often leave relationships that don't work for them and find people they are more compatible with.

The result of this is that they can treat current partners better than they did exes. I'm definitely nicer to DH than I was to my ex because we get on better and have more similar values so there is therefore less tension between us.

I think you should focus on yourself and building your confidence so that you never accept cheating lying and ghosting in a relationship ever again.

SuperMarioMaker · 13/01/2024 12:22

Agree that some people bring out the worst in people and others bring out the best in people.

My ex brought out the worst in me with his behaviour. I have also done work on myself and behaviour. I believe I would be different in a new relationship. My ex and I weren't compatible. He's with someone new now. They seem to be a bit more compatible (from the outside ar least). I hope they make each other happy.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like OP is hurting because the ex behaved 'better' with the new partner than he did with OP. This is probably making OP feel like the new partner is somehow 'better' than OP because the ex was willing and able to change for them. The OP feels 'less' because they got the worse of the ex. But every relationship is different and not everyone goes on to repeat the patterns of their past for various reasons.

Original poster
somenotes · 13/01/2024 12:22

Skybluecoat · 13/01/2024 12:14

Why do you care?

It sounds like you are still hurting OP so maybe you should protect yourself and not look at his SM. 💐

I'm still quite traumatised by everything he did tbh.

Checking his socials in hopes to find any information of where he works so I could claim CM.

OP posts:
Skybluecoat · 13/01/2024 12:23

somenotes · 13/01/2024 12:22

I'm still quite traumatised by everything he did tbh.

Checking his socials in hopes to find any information of where he works so I could claim CM.

Show quote history

Ah well that’s different! I hope you get the info you need and he pays up!!

ManateeFair · 13/01/2024 12:24

I doubt he’s changed. He might be behaving differently on a surface level, but he’s still the same twat underneath.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/01/2024 12:27

I don't think once people are adults (eg mid 20s) they generally change, although of course its possible especially following significant life events (eg people often change their lifestyle and priorities, if not their fundamental personality, after having kids).

He may ne behaving differently in this relationship but that doesn't mean he is a different or a better person. And he is clearly still a crap father. If she 'made him a better person' he would be paying for and seeing his kids

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2024 12:27

I think hoping people change and improve is better than hoping they haven’t. I was so scared of my ex I didn’t even tell him I was leaving, I said I was staying away for a few days and then phoned him to say I was filing for divorce and not going back. He’s remarried, they have a child, of course I hope he treats her better than he did me. Why would I wish fear or unhappiness on another woman?

gluggle · 13/01/2024 12:29

ManateeFair · 13/01/2024 12:24

I doubt he’s changed. He might be behaving differently on a surface level, but he’s still the same twat underneath.

This. Him deleting his socials is just him deleting his socials. Doesn't mean he's not still lying and cheating

redastherose · 13/01/2024 12:29

Don't you have any paperwork from when your were together with his NI number on it? Presumably his employer can be traced through that via HMRC.

Original poster
somenotes · 13/01/2024 12:31

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2024 12:27

I think hoping people change and improve is better than hoping they haven’t. I was so scared of my ex I didn’t even tell him I was leaving, I said I was staying away for a few days and then phoned him to say I was filing for divorce and not going back. He’s remarried, they have a child, of course I hope he treats her better than he did me. Why would I wish fear or unhappiness on another woman?

Similar thought to you. I hope he treats this/next partner and future DC(s) (if any) better. And, I hope they don't experience any of the awful things he did to us.

OP posts:
vidflex · 13/01/2024 12:32

I definitely changed in the relationship I had after my first marriage. This time around I knew my worth, my boundaries and what I expected of the relationship. I was tougher. I wasn't the pushover I was before. So y was h I think we change to have the relationship we want

Original poster
somenotes · 13/01/2024 12:33

Thanks everyone. Very interesting comments.

OP posts:
Zombiemum1946 · 13/01/2024 12:38

Of course people change. The rapid rate of change could be for any number of reasons. If your chasing him for cm that could be why he's off his socials it could also be his new partner has laid down the law.

Original poster
somenotes · 13/01/2024 12:43

redastherose · 13/01/2024 12:29

Don't you have any paperwork from when your were together with his NI number on it? Presumably his employer can be traced through that via HMRC.

I do. He quit his job during divorce. Deleted LinkedIn. I presume he is probably working cash in hand somewhere until financial settlement is sorted. But, I could be wrong.

OP posts:
MsCactus · 13/01/2024 12:49

Yes, some people do change.

Has your XH changed? Definitely not.

Evaka · 13/01/2024 12:52

Ex might be on best behaviour which will slip, or has done a tonne of work and is nicer and more aware now. I'd imagine scenario 1 is more likely?

NewNameNigel · 13/01/2024 13:01

Also he might have blocked the op rather than deleting his socials. Not everyone is comfortable with their ex seeing their social media.

sparkellie · 13/01/2024 13:17

He might have changed for her. In my experience that doesn't last though. He might have grown and changed for himself. But given the way he treats his kids I'd say that was unlikely. He might have deleted all his socials precisely because he hasn't changed. You'll never know. But it's not important. I hope you can get something through cms though, as a pp says his NI number might help if you have that..