feel like DP is up to something & want to catch him out

[BigSquareShoe]

I'll keep this as brief as possible.
Been with DP 20 years, 1 primary age DC. He has returned home from working abroad & something feels 'off'. We haven't had sex in over 3 weeks now, we actually sit in separate rooms most of the time & have very little to say to eachother as he is constantly on his phone. It was our DC's birthday last month & he left the room midway through gifts and went to bed without saying a word.
I have discovered he has been 'liking' photos of women we both know on social media, a lot of them. Which I am mortified about but don't want to seem controlling. He also recently let slip he has 'Snapchat' which I see no reason for a grown man to download at this stage in his life. Basically it feels like we are living separate lives & I can't get past the hurt I feel over these things. I need to get actual proof of wrongdoing which is going to be difficult as he is on his phone 24/7. He basically has no interest in family life or me & we haven't gone on a date night for at least a year if not more. This isn't a post about leaving him, I want to know how to catch him out.

Have you tried actually talking to him? What did he say when you questioned him about leaving halfway through your child opening their presents?

Have you asked him?

But yes, very off behaviour

I am at a similar life stage to you and would honestly just ask him what's up. It does sound very suspicious but could also be a health scare or depression etc. I would ask calmly but firmly and emphasise that I would appreciate honesty because the worst thing someone can do is be dishonest and waste your time.

In the nicest possible way why do you want to catch him out? What will it change or achieve?
He's acting like a twat. You need to pull him up on it, and decide what you do if it doesn't change. If you genuinely think he's cheating what do you want to do about it?
I've been where you are. Stop giving him all the power in this and decide what you want, then do that.

It's pretty obvious something is going on but if you don't intend to leave him then why do you want to catch him out? What would you do if you did catch him out and found out he was having an affair for example.

Have you asked him?

He's not interested in you or your kids, the relationship is obviously over. Are you dependent on him for housing or anything?

Why the games though, surely you can sit down and have an adult conversation?

I wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour-he can either explain himself or check out completely.

Might he be struggling with mental health issues, do you love him ?
An honest conversation (with yourself about your feelings towards him and what you want and with him) is the answer here.

I read this morning about someone buying a camera in a photo frame from Amazon to keep an eye on their grandmother who was in a care home and kept getting bruises.

Turns out the carers were abusing her.

Call me old fashioned but it may be an idea to actually have a conversation with your husband….

I want to catch him out before I ask him because I don't want him to cover his tracks. I want to know for sure before I make all of our lives implode. Especially our DC who has had a really rough time recently with bereavement etc. I also want the satisfaction of him knowing that he's been found out. I need to be clever or else he will make me think I'm crazy. I know other people won't understand, but yes once I have the proof I need I will absolutely ask him to leave, I'm stuck in a limbo until then of trying to find out. I did ask him re the gifts & he said he was tired. I have nowhere to go with this until I can get the proof I need.

In that case I'd ask someone to have your child and follow him and set up some voice activated hidden nanny cams. I wouldn't ever tell him about this though, once "caught out" I'd just say " I know you've been betraying me and I want you to leave" with giving no further details. You don't need to offer him an opportunity to lie or for you to tell him how you've caught him out. Once you know what is enough in your mind (ie your deal breakers) just end it.

Hire a private detective.

Look on his phone/emails/satnav/Google maps.

But really... speak to him. Ask him if he's unhappy, because his behaviour is odd. Invite him to leave.

You think your dc hasn't noticed his behaviour? Especially the presents.

To see what else he is liking on facebook:
Search his name in search bar
Don't click on his name, just leave it on the results page with others with same name
Click "photos" along the bar that is there
It'll bring up photos he's liked, you can click for more and sort by year etc

It's helped me a few times decide whether to go on a date with someone, end things etc

Set up a fake account on snapchat, make it someone younger and half naked, if he accepts then that's an answer right there.. then see what he posts

They always deny, best to do some digging so she doesn't have any doubt

Depression doesn't manifest itself in liking attractive women on social media.

I do understand the desire to show them you know. The problem is that all you do is tie yourself in knots trying to find proof (which they will deny anyway), and stop yourself from moving on until you have it. You only punish yourself and put yourself through more in the long run. It just isn't worth it.

@determinedtomakethiswork Exactly 👌🏼 just a sleazy mind.

Damn think they've fixed it again. It's a loophole fb keeps breaking and it stays like that for ages until they realise

What, exactly, do you imagine the end result of this will be? I can see four possibilities:

1 - You catch him out doing {something you don't like} -> split immediately.

2 - You don't catch him out, you remain suspicious pretty much forever -> split in a few years regardless of whether he was doing anything to begin with.

3 - He catches you snooping, decides it's the straw that broke the camel's back -> split immediately.

4 - You gather your evidence, go for your Columbo moment, and he tells you he's already decided to leave anyway -> split immediately.

You've already reached the point where you don't trust him, and - if you're being honest with yourself - nothing will persuade you otherwise, because there's no way for him to prove his innocence anyway (if there's really nothing going on).

It's a fait accomplit regardless of what happens next. You've already made the only choice available, whether you intended to or not.

I think you're right to want confirmation before confronting OP.

I know from past experience that otherwise the unfaithful party will just constantly deny and minimise to the point where you can feel you're truly losing your mind. To delay the truth coming out for as long as possible.

Hopefully other MNers who have ALSO been in this situation can help and won't judge you for your perfectly natural feelings.

I don't think you need to "catch him out". There is plenty of out of order behaviour you've already listed in your post that you can and should raise with him, and clearly issues between you. Sitting in separate rooms, not much to say to each other... I would focus on a) whether you want to fix this and b) what you need to do together to fix it and c) if he seems interested in fixing it. That is more than enough to get going with and to be honest I'm curious why you're so focused on potential infidelity when there are issues in plain sight.

Do you want to end it and want an excuse? You don't need to prove infidelity for that.

If you don't want to end it, then a grown up conversation about the lack of connection between you and a way forward is the solution, not snooping on him. You're much more likely to end up breaking up your relationship that way.