feel like DP is up to something & want to catch him out

[BigSquareShoe]

I'll keep this as brief as possible.
Been with DP 20 years, 1 primary age DC. He has returned home from working abroad & something feels 'off'. We haven't had sex in over 3 weeks now, we actually sit in separate rooms most of the time & have very little to say to eachother as he is constantly on his phone. It was our DC's birthday last month & he left the room midway through gifts and went to bed without saying a word.
I have discovered he has been 'liking' photos of women we both know on social media, a lot of them. Which I am mortified about but don't want to seem controlling. He also recently let slip he has 'Snapchat' which I see no reason for a grown man to download at this stage in his life. Basically it feels like we are living separate lives & I can't get past the hurt I feel over these things. I need to get actual proof of wrongdoing which is going to be difficult as he is on his phone 24/7. He basically has no interest in family life or me & we haven't gone on a date night for at least a year if not more. This isn't a post about leaving him, I want to know how to catch him out.

I get you wanting to catch him out. You want to be sure before you make a life changing decision.

I would definitely try and get my revenge in early. Have an affair with his best friend, for example?

Yes I want to be able to confront him with the truth before I walk away. I understand people will feel differently about this but I need that proof to solidify my thoughts and feelings on this. I tried the Facebook thing & nothing but those are exactly the types of things I need. A clever way to gather the information that I need. Thanks for all your input. I do genuinely understand the people saying just walk away, but I can't. Not until I can prove it for sure.

And if you don't find anything, what then? You've already come up with nothing so far, so...what are you going to do? Gaslight him in to thinking everything's OK? Live miserably until you can find some tiny thing you can blow up into a big argument?

Seems like the absolute most devious thing you can possibly do in order to justify something you've already decided on so you can make him the bad guy, to me. If he is up to something, the whole "two wrongs don't make a right" thing applies, and you'll both look like assholes; if he's not, it'll just be you.

Point is, there's no way to win this, because it's not a competition. Just be honest, instead of acting like an Eastenders character. It'll be better for everyone concerned, but especially you.

I do understand the need for proof before you walk away. That the only way you can live with the decision to leave is by never doubting that you were right. But you need to be aware that you are highly unlikely to ever find undeniable proof, so you will need to make your peace with living as you are now, or you will drive yourself mad. Whatever you find he will deny it, and twist it back on you, so unless you walk in on him in bed with someone else you're only going to lose this.
Honestly I hope you find what you need and manage to walk away. You're clearly unhappy as you are.

Why do you need to prove anything? If you aren't happy walk away. You won't feel any better for finding proof. You won't feel any better for not finding any proof. The relationship is over.

If you want to leave him then do! You don't seem to like him, or his behaviour which is justifiable, so why are you staying? You seem to think you san only leave if you can prove infidelity?

I don't think I'm being devious by wanting proof of infedility before making a permanent decision which will change the course of our lives. I already know his behaviour is shitty, I already know I deserve better, but I can't put my own feelings above those of our DC. They don't know how unhappy I am. I doubt he does either. At some point it's going to happen, but for the sake of having a clear conscience I need to know he crossed the line & I walked away. Not that I was a bit miserable & decided my own feelings were more important than everyone else's. Unless you've been in my position I don't think you can comprehend how difficult this is. I don't want to be in this position, I want to be blissfully happy with someone who loves and supports me. Unfortunately that's not what's happening.

That's just it - you're absolutely convinced that you're right, without any actual evidence, and you haven't answered the question of what will happen if you're wrong, or that he's up to something but it's nowhere near as serious as you imagine it is.

If you're wrong, will you be honest with him about what you've been up to? In fact, is there anything you could discover which would convince you that you're wrong?

That's the point. You've already decided that the relationship's over, and you're stringing it out in the hopes of finding something you can use to make yourself out to be the good guy.

Alternatively, you find nothing and spend the next <x> years convincing him that everything's fine when it's not, or making him miserable enough that he leaves and your conscience is clear.

As I said, you've already passed the point where this could possibly have ended well. All that's left is to decide exactly how shitty you want it to be.

It was our DC's birthday last month & he left the room midway through gifts and went to bed without saying a word.

Your dc deserve better than this. And you can just leave him. But I do understand.

Have you tried the old fashioned way? Eg check his pockets for receipts. Check in his car?

I've read all your posts OP.

I'm going to tell you this:

Your feelings ARE worth putting first.
Don't stay unhappy thinking it's best for the kids. It really isn't.

Deciding to split with someone because you're unhappy can improve everyone's lives! He's probably unhappy as well.

Check his phone. If he takes it everywhere including in the shower then somethings up. Then you'll have to get up in the night and get into it. If you don't know pass code set up a hidden camera near his chair and watch him add his pass code. There are ways. Check his car also.

Be prepared for a shock though OP. It's not a nice experience proving yourself right in these circumstances

I'm sorry but if anyone is at a stage of planting cameras, the relationship is already over.

You don't need to 'catch him out'. The relationship sounds like it has run its course, whether he is doing anything or not.
I'd prepare yourself for a frank discussion about the state of your marriage, and if he's not willing to do that, think about what YOU want to do next.

You've explicitly said you're not leaving without proof. I won't convince you otherwise even though the writing is on the wall.

• get hold of his phone and look through it
• get onto his Facebook
• email
• banking app/statements
• have him followed
• follow him
• I wouldn't go the honey trap way - he could always say he knew it was you and was playing you at your own game.

I'm not sure you're going to find what you're looking for. What level of evidence do you need? A hotel stay/dinner receipt would work, but where do you go if he's 'just' been liking pics? (which you already know about), messaging people - is that enough? What do you do if you don't find anything?

The problem with looking for any kind of evidence is that there will always be an explanation, and then you need proof that the explanation is a lie too.
Ie Hotel room/dinner receipt will be for a work meeting/catch up with old friends then you have to prove that isn't true. Do you then ask for names and numbers.. then call them to check? How do you know they aren't lying for him? ... it's madness inducing. And a waste of time and energy. It just keeps you in a miserable relationship, instead of allowing you to move on and be happy.

Say you're not happy in the marriage and want to talk.

Before he went to bed was he on his phone? Can you add him on snap and see if he has a big snap score?

What difference is it going to make? You don't trust him, you don't even seem to like him and communication appears also to be dead otherwise you would have already spoken.

You can leave him if you want. Are you in the UK, as it doesn't matter a damn if he's cheated materially. Or are you just looking for the moral high ground?

You don't need to have "proof" to leave a relationship.

You being unhappy is enough reason to leave.

What did he say when you asked him about going ti bed while dc opening gifts?

When he's in the shower, mine used to take it in with him. But you could pop in with a question and lift it.

When he's asleep.

Both rely on you knowing his password

But in that case at least she won't and can't be Gaslighted into believing any manner of bullshit he decided to tell her.

Tell him you're feeling insecure because he spends so much time on his phone and would he mind you having a look at it to make yourself feel better.

His reaction will tell you a lot.