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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends’ abroad wedding

70 replies

mhn1 · 12/01/2024 17:45

Hi all,

our friends have recently announced their destination wedding, which is a year away from now. It’s my partner’s friend of many years but I wouldn’t say their lives are particularly intertwined now that we’ve all got kids!
looking at the cost, it’ll work out at around £4k (and we’ve got to get passports, obviously some spending money, outfits, wedding gift on top!! So looking more at 5.5k). I’m currently pregnant and baby will be around 8 months old at that point and our daughter will have just gone 4.
am I mad for thinking this is just an absurd amount to spend on one week away?! It’s not somewhere we would choose to go ourselves and the thought of dragging two young children on a 5hr flight for this just fills me with dread.
would I be in the wrong for suggesting that we give this a miss? I just know I’ll be the one predominantly looking after the 2 kids, it’s just not going to be a holiday is it?! I know it’s going to cause problems but I just don’t see how it’s a priority for our family, especially considering I’ll be on maternity pay!

by the way, partner is VERY set on going and is not a good negotiator 😂😭

OP posts:
Topjoe19 · 13/01/2024 07:13

Why can't he go on his own? That's what I'd suggest for sure.

SunflowerSeeds123 · 13/01/2024 07:14

ExH's friend got married abroad, he went on his own even though we were all invited (we were together at the time). Not a huge problem though it wasn't in an expensive country, so he didn't pay anywhere near OPs amount.

Ifyourfondofsanddunes · 13/01/2024 07:21

We went to a destination wedding and took our children but akso my husband's parents for childcare. We rented a cabin in a euro camp style holiday park so it actually felt like a family holiday when we weren't at the wedding.

Could you tell us where abouts the wedding is and maybe we can help to get the cost down for you? 4k seems like an awful lot

NaughtybutNice77 · 13/01/2024 07:51

Somehow along the line this needs to stop being a battle between you and him. It's us and them. THEY have created this problem, not you. You can't afford it. It's not practical.
Could you (as a family) afford for him to say go on the stag do? Presumably they'll be one.
BTW, you mention a weekend away. If you stayed elsewhere (not the venue) would it be possible to book a week's holiday 'up the road' somewhere cheaper and just 'commute in' on the wedding day?

Sceptre86 · 13/01/2024 07:56

Do they even want kids there? Have you asked? He could go alone.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/01/2024 07:57

Insane amount to spend imo

If dh wants to go can't he go alone

he fly out day before the wedding and home the day after - a 5hr flight alone no kids easily done

Fri fly early am. Sat wedding. Sunday fly home

Mumof2teens79 · 13/01/2024 08:00

Never been to a destination wedding tbh but why does it have to be a week and 4k?

Can't you find cheaper flights and accommodation? Stay for a couple of days instead of a full week?

I think it should be expected that some people won't be able to go but you could also turn it into a family holiday. Book a family friendly resort or hotel. Even invite grandparents along to help with childcare.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 13/01/2024 08:10

Yea my immediate thought was that he goes alone for part of it. He's happy, you're happy (alone with the DCs but you would have been doing that anyway). Then he owes you some time for you to do something alone / with friends when he's back.

Sounds like a good solution all round. No way I would be going / taking the DCS and spending all that money if you can't afford it and don't even want to go to the destination anyway.

Metallicant · 13/01/2024 08:18

I think it would be crazy for you all to go.

if funds allow, I’d suggest he goes for a few days. Or you all decline.

rookiemere · 13/01/2024 08:21

Thing is even if just the DH goes, it's unlikely to then be 1/4 price so £1000 which I think is what people are extrapolating.

One person needs a hotel room and transport, just as much as four, so it's likely to be much more than that. Even if it's "just" £1000 that's a heck of a lot of family money and would pay for a UK cottage for a week or possibly a cheap holiday abroad for the family.

SheerLucks · 13/01/2024 08:40

Definitely let your partner go on his own!!

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 13/01/2024 08:43

@rookiemere

I know what you are saying - but my line of thinking was that if it's just him (d he isn't desperate to spend 24/7 with the wedding party) then he could get cheaper flight times (even if they are not that convenient) as no v young DCs to take into account, get a more basic hotel, just feed himself etc. if he wants to go that much and money is tight then he should be prepared to make it work much better financially and make compromises.

pictoosh · 13/01/2024 08:43

We would be declining. There are a few things we could spend five grand on...our roof needs repaired, I want a van, the bathroom needs replaced, ds1 would benefit from a deposit for a flat, we could have a family holiday in a place of our choosing...the list goes on.
There's no way we could justify 5000 on someone else's destination wedding. It's way low on the list.

Some people will have pots of cash to fund something like that from. We don't.

Beckafett · 13/01/2024 08:47

Like many others have said just let your partner go on his own and assess what options there are to cut costs like him sharing a room or breaking up the flights.

Clarinet1 · 13/01/2024 09:13

Before you book too much, whatever you decide about who’s going, can I refer you to the active thread about the cancelled destination wedding! Caveat Emptor about refunds, insurance etc!

NewName24 · 13/01/2024 12:21

I wouldn’t have wanted DH to use precious holiday money and days off to do this when my DC were that age. Not sure why everyone is saying to encourage him to go.

Because, if I had something I really wanted to go to, dh would encourage me to see if there were a way we could make it work, and he would look after our dc for the 3 or 4 days I were away. Obviously we don't know how close the dh and his friend are / how important it feels to the dh to be there, but if he does want to go - as is suggested - then we, as a couple would work out if we could make it work.

DivorceDay · 13/01/2024 12:32

It sounds like you don't want to go so don't go. Your husband can go alone if he likes. You can easily enough use young child as an excuse.

DivorceDay · 13/01/2024 12:34

Agree with newname

OP cannot be forced to go but equally if DH wants to be at his friend's then OP shouldn't prevent him from going if they can afford it.

rookiemere · 13/01/2024 13:46

DivorceDay · 13/01/2024 12:34

Agree with newname

OP cannot be forced to go but equally if DH wants to be at his friend's then OP shouldn't prevent him from going if they can afford it.

The if they can afford it is the "how long is a piece of string" question.

We could afford £1k for DH to go on his own, but thankfully we can also afford to each get a bit of solo monthly spending money so I would be expecting DH to save his up to fund his trip in this scenario.

But most average families with young DCs don't have £1k never mind £4k sitting around for solo jollies.

Shame on the couple for planning an abroad wedding - that is likely much cheaper for them than a UK one - and not instantly telling nearest and dearest that they totally understand if they can't make it due to cost and/or family circumstances.

Maray1967 · 13/01/2024 13:59

DH went to his best friends wedding in Sydney and stayed for 2 weeks when DS was 2. Fine - I’d just been on a field trip in Europe for 5 days. I got back and he flew out the next day. I think that’s the best compromise.

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