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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends’ abroad wedding

70 replies

mhn1 · 12/01/2024 17:45

Hi all,

our friends have recently announced their destination wedding, which is a year away from now. It’s my partner’s friend of many years but I wouldn’t say their lives are particularly intertwined now that we’ve all got kids!
looking at the cost, it’ll work out at around £4k (and we’ve got to get passports, obviously some spending money, outfits, wedding gift on top!! So looking more at 5.5k). I’m currently pregnant and baby will be around 8 months old at that point and our daughter will have just gone 4.
am I mad for thinking this is just an absurd amount to spend on one week away?! It’s not somewhere we would choose to go ourselves and the thought of dragging two young children on a 5hr flight for this just fills me with dread.
would I be in the wrong for suggesting that we give this a miss? I just know I’ll be the one predominantly looking after the 2 kids, it’s just not going to be a holiday is it?! I know it’s going to cause problems but I just don’t see how it’s a priority for our family, especially considering I’ll be on maternity pay!

by the way, partner is VERY set on going and is not a good negotiator 😂😭

OP posts:
Niallig32839 · 12/01/2024 20:37

I had a destination wedding and invited people but knew a lot wouldn’t be able to come. We had immediate family and a few of my closest friends with their families. We booked our wedding knowing this would
be the case and didn’t expect many to come along so was no hard feelings from us as we
know it’s a big ask and we went away as we wanted a small wedding.

if you don’t want to go
and can’t justify going then don’t. Discuss with your partner and if him going alone is an option then he should go, even if just for a few days

laclochette · 12/01/2024 20:37

It's lovely of them to invite you and you may have been upset if they hadn't, but remember an invitation isn't a summons. It seems like a lot of money to me, to some it wouldn't be but clearly it is to you. Add the children and overall not an appealing proposition.

Anyone who can't understand that people might not come to their wedding when their wedding will clearly be costly and challenging to attend isn't a good friend.

Although it sounds like the issue is more than you and your husband disagree, in which case, as others have said, let him go and pay for it out of his own spending / fun money.

Sallyingon · 12/01/2024 20:39

Could we have a go at getting u there cheaper?

Hatty65 · 12/01/2024 20:44

mhn1 · 12/01/2024 17:50

I have made a decision in my head, however my partner is very set on going - very much a “I can’t miss my friends wedding” and FOMO feeling! Not sure how he thinks we can afford it mind!

Ask him clearly, 'How are you going to fund it? And I mean, without negatively impacting the family? Because that is a LOT of money to spend on something only you are really keen on'.

meganorks · 12/01/2024 20:51

I wouldn't want to go to any wedding with kids tbh. Are they even invited?!

Ohnoooooooo · 12/01/2024 20:57

why can't your partner go by himself? A win win?

NoKnit · 12/01/2024 21:08

I can't work out how you know your baby will be 8 months that can make you only 4 weeks pregnant do people actually know their pregnant that early these days?

Anyway I think it is totally acceptable your husband goes on his own and you enjoy a bit of peace from him

NoKnit · 12/01/2024 21:08

I can't work out how you know your baby will be 8 months that can make you only 4 weeks pregnant do people actually know their pregnant that early these days?

Anyway I think it is totally acceptable your husband goes on his own and you enjoy a bit of peace from him

Newchapterbeckons · 12/01/2024 21:10

Not a a chance

Tinkerbyebye · 12/01/2024 21:29

He can go without you for three days, so one day there, wedding, travel back third day

Topee · 12/01/2024 21:36

We had a similar situation, my husband went on his own. He denies it but I know he had a better time than he would have had if we’d all been there.

NewYearNewPyjamas · 12/01/2024 22:10

I might be in the minority here but going to a wedding and looking after small children is not an enjoyable experience. Possibly one of the least enjoyable experiences around. Certainly not one I'd pay £4k for.

He can go on his own. It's his friend, he shouldn't miss out IF he can afford to go on his own. Assuming it's a week due to travel time etc so it's a long time to be away and you have sole care but it's better than the stress of kids in an unknown environment for a week.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/01/2024 23:14

He can go alone?

Yoyoban · 12/01/2024 23:21

NoKnit · 12/01/2024 21:08

I can't work out how you know your baby will be 8 months that can make you only 4 weeks pregnant do people actually know their pregnant that early these days?

Anyway I think it is totally acceptable your husband goes on his own and you enjoy a bit of peace from him

I can't work out how you're doing your maths.

Baby will be 8 months old in a years time. Means baby will be born in 4 months time. Means op is approximately 5 months pregnant

mumda · 12/01/2024 23:38

I always assumed people who have destination weddings do so because they don't want people they know there.

Wanttobeok · 12/01/2024 23:44

So husband goes on his own...easy!

NewName24 · 13/01/2024 00:10

Not sure why this is an issue at all.

You'll have a 4 yr old and a baby. Clearly they won't be expecting you to go and you have all been invited on the off chance, or even out of politeness.

When couples choose to fly off to an exotic destination, they do so knowing most people won't be able to get there - whether that is cost, annual leave, hassle or whatever.

If your dh wants to go, and your family budget can stand it, then let him decide if he wants to go on his own or not, but there's no real decision about you all going. They've decided to have their wedding in a way that is going to be inaccessible for many (most?) so they then have to accept that many / most people won't go.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/01/2024 00:15

What's the cost for him to go alone for a few days, say three nights?

BayCityCoaster · 13/01/2024 00:16

People who have destination weddings do so in the knowledge that some people will decline.

If they don’t do it with that knowledge, then they’re selfish idiots, and you don’t need to worry about offending them by saying ‘no’.

Obviously, just your husband going is a way to make it significantly cheaper, especially as he’s a good friend.

When we had our destination wedding (my home country), some of DH’s friends came alone. He was very glad to have them there.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 13/01/2024 00:20

He goes solo for a week and when he comes back you have a solo break somewhere for a week?

SecondUsername4me · 13/01/2024 00:21

He can go alone.

I've been to one destination wedding and I'd never go to another (unless my children do it when they grow up).

Literally not worth the cost. He can go alone, one set of return flights and he can find a hostel or go halves on a twin room with a friend.

ConciseQueen · 13/01/2024 00:38

I wouldn’t have wanted DH to use precious holiday money and days off to do this when my DC were that age. Not sure why everyone is saying to encourage him to go. It will still be very expensive.

I would just say you and the DCs are not going and then ask him to give it a week to think about it. In the meantime, raise another idea about a holiday or expensive outing B that could only happen if he didn’t go. By the end of the week he’ll be happy to turn down the wedding and do B instead.

HoHoHoliday · 13/01/2024 00:41

Surely if someone invites you to their destination wedding they know you are spending a lot of money on attending it and therefore don't expect a gift? So I'd cut that out of the budget for starters.

£4K for a week away somewhere that isn't your choice is a lot.

Could you just go for a couple of days instead of a week? Either with the kids or leave them with a family member for a weekend away?

Does the entire week need to be at the same place? Could you go to the wedding destination first then move on to a preferred destination the next day to enjoy a week away?

Could your husband go alone just for a couple of days?

Where is the wedding? If you say where it is/why it's not your choice for a holiday then perhaps people can offer more useful suggestions.

pizzaHeart · 13/01/2024 00:56

I wouldn’t go, no way. And I’m not sure if your DH going is such a good idea. It is still quite expensive, it will probably take up his AL, you will be left with 2 small kids….
Of course he wants to go , but how does he plan to finance that?

user1492757084 · 13/01/2024 07:11

Only go if you plan it as your family holiday that has one day taken up with a wedding.
Consider going if you can make it cost less and if you would enjoy being there with your little family for a week.

Treat it like a holiday to look forward to. Save up and have fun.

Don't go if the destination is not suitable.