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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I mentally unstable like he says?

40 replies

ChristmasFanatic · 12/01/2024 13:04

I have a thing about the colours of my food mixing. Lasagne is my fave meal and I never have it because my partner just refuses to make it. Last night I made it one handed whilst holding the baby because I wanted to give myself love.

Just as I get it out, the baby needs feeding (boob) so I ask him to serve it.

He comes in and I try to hide my upset as I look at his plate and mine but it felt like right there was a symbolism of how much he respects me. He said there's absolutely no difference between the two plates and I'm melodramatic and over reacting. That I need to get a grip and get my mental health looked into.

AIBU?

Am I mentally unstable like he says?
Am I mentally unstable like he says?
OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 12/01/2024 13:05

Which is which?

Agix · 12/01/2024 13:09

I'm sorry OP, I can't see a difference. Except one doesn't have chips.

I don't think it's fair to call you mentally unstable, if he said that. But if this has upset you, maybe there is some bigger issue going on where you need support?

You say you felt it symbolised his respect for you. Maybe that is the core issue and this was just some random event it came out over?

BodenCardiganNot · 12/01/2024 13:11

Do you like it mixed or not mixed? If you like it not mixed, and that's what he did, then that is shit of him.

Randommother · 12/01/2024 13:11

They both look like a pile of lasagne on a plate to me, I’m not sure what’s supposed to be symbolic about it, so I probably would say you’re over reacting. However saying you need to have your mental health looked into is not great from his side. You have a young baby, so there’s a lot of additional factors in play, it sounds like you both need to be a bit kinder to each other.

soupandcrackers · 12/01/2024 13:12

The sloppy marks around the plate are a no-no for me. I like my food presented nicely <<misses point of thread>>

RandomButtons · 12/01/2024 13:13

He smashed his lasagna up?

mrsbyers · 12/01/2024 13:13

I prefer the presentation of the one on the right with the top layer still visible but I wouldn’t be upset to get the other

Thementalloadisreal · 12/01/2024 13:14

Do you mean yours is the one that’s a messy dollop but his is sliced nicely?

BoohooWoohoo · 12/01/2024 13:14

Lots of people have weird likes and dislikes. That’s not mental instability.

Im not sure what you aren’t happy with. Do you like the one on the left because it’s all one colour?

If you have a thing about mixed colours then I can see why your partner doesn’t want to eat lasagne as it’s naturally a mixture of colours and knowing about your “thing” makes his meal less enjoyable.

Workawayxx · 12/01/2024 13:15

I assume his is the right hand plate? He has given himself a perfect wedge of lasagne so you can see the top and all the layers and looks like he has just scooped out a few haphazard spoons on top of each other for yours so you can't see the top of it anymore and it's just a blob of sauce and pasta.

YANBU if he knows your feelings. I'd say "OK, no difference, why don't we just swap then?". Otherwise, just put yours in the fridge and he can have it for a lunch at some point and get yourself a new piece. Why does he refuse to make it?

BananasInThreePieceSuits · 12/01/2024 13:15

YABU. This isn’t an issue.

AnnaMagnani · 12/01/2024 13:18

I probably wouldn't eat the badly served one and only the one which looks like a proper slice.
Even if I had made it.

My DH knows this and wouldn't wind me up about it.

I don't think it is that unusual and your partner is being mean.

Savedpassword · 12/01/2024 13:21

How much of an impact do your food issues have day to day? I’m assuming from your post that he generally does all of the cooking?

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/01/2024 13:23

I mean: two different and only vaguely related issues here:

  1. He should not be making perjorarive comments about your mental health based on your preferences around food presentation.
  2. BUT (and a fairly big but): I can’t see the practical difference between these plates aside from trivial presentational differences and I can’t for the life of me see what they are supposed to symbolise about the health of your relationship. It really doesn’t matter practically what the plates look like.

Kindly: either your relationship is in pretty bad shape and you are looking for “symbols” everywhere of his lack of care and seeing them where others would not notice.

Or you have a specific neurosis around food presentation which this has triggered. Because while he hasn’t put this well, he is correct that it’s an odd thing to see as a symbol of your relationship.

What is the relationship like in general?

BussInPoots · 12/01/2024 13:25

The whole thing: referring to colours of food mixing, giving yourself love, becoming distressed at the sight of two very similar plates, photographing the plates & posting it here…. Is this kind of response quite unusual for you & hence why your DP is mentioning some MH support? Perhaps he can see some stuff going on for you which is out of character since you’ve had the baby?

TheFlis · 12/01/2024 13:30

The plates are very obviously different! I would not be impressed if DH served himself a carefully cut slice then handed me a mush that had just been scraped into a bowl! How did he even make such a mess of it, it looks intentional to me if he is aware of your food issues. It’s selfish and shows a complete lack of care for you.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 12/01/2024 13:32

Both look equally messy and I don't understand why there is so much meat sauce smeared around the plate.

But either way, imo, life is too short for this type of thing. If it tastes good eat it, if it doesn't don't.

JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 12/01/2024 13:32

What do you mean about mixing colours? Both plates are very messy and lasagne should be shown more redirect but I'm confused what's going on here.

MaggieNextDoor · 12/01/2024 13:38

I'm hungry for lasagne now!

If his plate is the right hand one, then he's dished up his portion with a lot more care than the left hand one. If you like to be able to see the separate layers in lasagne, then he's effectively ruined that by scooping your portion out in the way that he has.

AliasGrape · 12/01/2024 13:44

When I was newly postpartum my husband several times gave me a cup of tea in the type of mug he knows I really don’t like drinking out of (and would happily dump at the charity shop only HE likes them). Once in my hormonal sleep deprived state I remember crying ‘do you just not give a shit about me anymore?’ He’d actually mistakenly handed me his that time, being pretty sleep deprived himself. It’s now a silly ongoing joke that we both say whenever something doesn’t go entirely our way - supermarket was out of the particular bread he likes so I buy a different one, I ask him for a stamp and he doesn’t have one, he wants me to get up and find the remote and I want him to do it - ‘oh what so you don’t give a shit about me anymore?’

You mention cooking with a baby on your hip so I wonder if that’s what’s going on here a bit? (Although why wasn’t he watching baby whilst you cooked? Was he working/ otherwise occupied or something else?)

For what it’s worth I can see a big difference between the two and I’m not sure why others can’t.

The one on the left is a sloppy, unappetising mess that I wouldn’t particularly enjoy eating. The one on the right looks like a properly sliced portion of lasagne with the layers.

I also have a bit of a thing about presentation and have preferences about what foods can mix/ touch each other. As a child/ teen they really impacted me (I wouldn’t have eaten lasagne in the first place until well into my 20s for example) but now they’re more just my own preferences but I can have a little internal word with myself, get over them and crack on with my meal.

If my husband served the plate on the left (and him the one on the right) though I’d either make a joke like described above, or just inwardly roll my eyes and make myself eat it anyway. But it wouldn’t particularly reflect anything about our relationship other than he just isn’t that bothered about how food is served (and if I pointed out the discrepancy I’m sure he’d just swap anyway).

However, if it was in a broader context of a partner ignoring my needs/ feelings or preferences I can see how it would feel symbolic.

SemperIdem · 12/01/2024 13:45

I can see your point.

He also has the serving skills of a toddler.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 12/01/2024 13:47

There is a clear difference, one is how you would expect a piece of lasagne to be served, with the cheese and béchamel on top, the other looks as if he has mixed it or just slapped it on the plate and popped some of the ragu on top.

Let me guess, he got the nice looking plate?

Ddifficultday · 12/01/2024 13:49

SemperIdem · 12/01/2024 13:45

I can see your point.

He also has the serving skills of a toddler.

Yeah plates look a mess. Also no side salad 🫠

tara66 · 12/01/2024 13:53

What?? Don't understand what you are actually asking.

ManateeFair · 12/01/2024 14:30

He comes in and I try to hide my upset as I look at his plate and mine but it felt like right there was a symbolism of how much he respects me

This certainly seems to me like a huge overreaction, but not necessarily a sign that you are mentally unstable. I genuinely don't understand what the problem is with either plate? Neither plate would break your colour rules, surely?

I think that, just because you happen to notice these sorts of differences, it really doesn't mean that everyone else does/should notice them too.

I have no idea whether you are mentally unstable, and nor can anyone else have any idea if you are mentally unstable based on this one thing alone. You certainly sound hyper-sensitive, and possibly you have OCD symptoms, but that doesn't mean you're unstable. Without knowing you (and your husband) nobody can possibly determine that. We can't know whether your husband is a decent man at the end of his tether who has been walking on eggshells for months, or whether he is being deliberately uncaring. We also can't know whether you are just struggling a bit while post-partum and caring for a newborn round the clock, or whether you are actually being unreasonable and volatile.