Help me get out of this sticky situation

[Gettingfedupgrrrr]

To cut a long story short. I had a long time female friend (Louise, not her real name) who sadly died a year ago. She lived in another country for the last 20 + years. Married with 3 kids, now in their late teens/early 20s . One has some physical disabilities. I never was overly fond of her husband but kept my counsel about this to her.

When she became unwell I went to help out, he was very good about keeping me in the loop as he knew qe had been friends for many many years despite the long distance. I was made aware from her and her close friends, when i gor there of their longtime marital disharmony. Again I kept my opinions to myself as it was neither the time nor the place. So I was polite and considerate to him as well as her. My friend has been to see me over the years and always liked where I lived and so she was advising everyone (friends and relatives) to come stay with me. I am not the easiest to get to due to the distance and finances so I knew this would not be an weekly issue as such.

When I left her husband was very upset and I stupidly said if you're ever in my neck of the woods let me know. To be honest I really didnt think in a lifetime he would, because A we didnt really like each other and B due to his child's needs it would be impossible.

Since she has passed he has sent a few texts with a few updates on his children and I have sent a couple of texts wishing them Merry Christmas and condolences on her anniversary. I really thought quite quickly our communication would fritter out with the passage of time so haven't really thought anything of it.

Now he has sent a message with a text with I really need to come to your country for some decent beer. ' I know from friends of Louise he had been drinking quite a bit so some this might be fuelled by alcohol.

How do I politely respond without causing offence. Ive met alot of his family when I was there and they are lovely people, but he seems to be the dark sheep of the family.

I am forever 'doing the right thing' but get myself in these predicaments when I should just shut up !! All advice welcome ...but be kind. I haven't responded yet and the time difference is helping with this, for now. AIBU?

OK, what time of day (his time) did he send that? Are you single?

I'd wait a few days then send something like, "Oh the pubs in the UK are terrible now, they've all been empty since lockdown. I'm doing Dry January and think I might keep it up for 2024 - I'm feeling great without a drink. Hope the kids are OK."

I'd probably reply with something along the lines of "ha ha, well the beer's not that great where I am. If you do come, let me know and I can point you in the direction of best places (conveniently at opposite end of country)."

I agree with @MILTOBE "I'm on dry January myself haha, hope everyone's doing OK."

Something non-committal. He hasn't explicitly asked you to go for a drink or invited himself over so I'd just keep it arms-length and vague if that's what you're looking for.

The problem is you reached out saying if you're ever here let me know. So he's took that as you being warm and thoughtful towards him. I'd reply with a laughing face emoji but no conversation, it will end up fizzling if you're not giving him much in your replies.

Sorry for your loss 💐

Do you even need to reply?
Realistically, if your friend has died, are you ever planning on going out to see him or his family again?

I’d reply “I’ve gone tee total so can’t help with recommendations for where to stay to access decent beer. Send my love to the kids”

It sounds as though you didn’t offer to have him stay at yours but just asked him to let you know if he was going to be in your area. If so, you could just reply ‘let me know if you need hotel/BnB recommendations.’ Even if he decides to holiday there, you’re under no obligation to meet up with him. You might be very busy with work, for example, or- by unfortunate coincidence- away on holiday yourself at the time of his trip.

Or as PP said, just don’t have any more contact with him (although it sounds as though you might have wanted to keep in touch with the kids?)

Is that all his message said? Or was this said in a message with more context?

To be honest I'd just ignore. He hasn't asked if he can stay with you. No need to even bring it up. He may well be hinting just ignore the hint?

Hi he hasn’t asked to stay with you so point him in the direction of a large city with hotel recommendations. My friend passed 3 years ago and I didn’t have a relationship with partner but I have kept in touch with the children (adults) and it is a great joy to me and them to chat about their Mum. Also for them to know I love them and appreciate their friendship as I did with their Mum.

He hasn't asked if he can stay but that's a pretty hefty hint. He may also be looking for a mother figure to care for his children too, and OP has already shown she can do this...

Say ''Hope you enjoy your 'beer holiday'. Perhaps we could meet for a chat to catch up? ''
But I don't think you as a single female(?) would be expected to accommodate an adult single male who was husband of your deceased friend. But I may be old fashioned.
ALSO - you didn't exactly invite him when you said ''let me know'' etc if he were to come your area. People say the ''let me know'' thing all the time but they don't actually mean they want someone coming to stay. It's just a general vague friendly comment really.

Does he know where you live?

I can’t believe all the placatory messages suggested upthread!

OP, you are under no obligations to have a drink with this man or to catch up with him at all.

I would just ignore him or message back saying ‘I won’t be able to meet up, hope you have a good time. Goodbye.’

Some of the answers on here, don't make shit up or point him in a different direction.

Ignore and if he pushes it, tell the truth.

That you don't want to meet him.

Either ignore or reply that yourself and your partner ( doesn’t matter if they don’t exist) are teetotal now and madly busy with your (insert something he’d hate) commitments. Wish him well with the future and sign off by blocking him.

The best way to let communication fizzle out is to do so from your end. Don't reply with anything. It's quite an odd message to send out of the blue anyway. I'm assuming you're not known as a beer expert, particularly?

Do you want to keep lines of communication open for any reason at all? Like staying in touch with the kids? If you do, then if he follows up the message you can just say how busy you are etc and also you're not the best person to advise about beer. If you're not bothered about this feel free to ignore indefinitely.

I'm another one for ignoring it. You owe him nothing, you are not obliged to make him feel better by acknowledging what he has said. Even less encouraging him to think there's any hope with whatever he wants.

You aren't in a sticky situation. He hasn't asked to stay with you. You don't have to take any action at all.

I think you are over thinking it. If that is all the message says I would just do a laughing emoji and that's all. Seems very much like a throw away comment.

He hasn't asked to stay, it was a throwaway comment like 'We'll have to arrange a coffee or a lunch'. Unless you are booking a time and a date, it's just up in the air. Ignore it, don't respond.

I agree with PP either reply with emoji or just don't bother replying.
It wasn't a question it was more a statement so doesn't really need anything further. If you want to gradually drop the contact just don't reply or engage much.

Ignore the message. It is making you uncomfortable and you don't need that.

Continue with the Christmas and anniversary texts if you want, but I wouldn't bother anymore. Your friend will be in your heart anyway, and better to let things fizzle out, as you have no more connection with him anyway. You did your bit, and have nothing to feel bad about. Trust your instincts and don't meet up with him. Time to move on.

In answer to everyone's responses. (Thank you). He is literally the other side of the world. I am the world's most boring person I don't drink unless at Christmas or a meal out, and the meals out are as frequent as Christmas !! 😁 He knows this. I am single, but he is the last person I would have any interest in. On a one to one I am so awkward with him because other than his wife we have nothing in common. I did say to Loises children if they were ever travelling they were more than welcome to stay. This was very definitely offered because of Louise, they are still young adults and may wish to travel. My friend was the mainstay of the home and family she just wanted to be there for her children and honestly her influence was needed in respect of the boys especially.

A local good friend of mine had said to me to 'be careful there' when we were texting over Christmas and so i just did a polite festive greeting. Years ago he and Louise came to stay with with my ex and I. Even my ex said he was 'odd'. He just gives me the ick and the thought of him being very forthright (which he is) and saying he was on his way would freak me out, so I just want to handle this right.

No never. I ve been to stay with her a few times over the years but won't be back although I loved where she lived .it just makes me sad now when I think of that.

This is what I thought would naturally happen But it seems he has few friends. 99% of the friends who came to their home were for my friend. I have left the possibility for the kids keeping in touch but I am old and boring so I can't see that happening in reality.