Help me get out of this sticky situation

[Gettingfedupgrrrr]

To cut a long story short. I had a long time female friend (Louise, not her real name) who sadly died a year ago. She lived in another country for the last 20 + years. Married with 3 kids, now in their late teens/early 20s . One has some physical disabilities. I never was overly fond of her husband but kept my counsel about this to her.

When she became unwell I went to help out, he was very good about keeping me in the loop as he knew qe had been friends for many many years despite the long distance. I was made aware from her and her close friends, when i gor there of their longtime marital disharmony. Again I kept my opinions to myself as it was neither the time nor the place. So I was polite and considerate to him as well as her. My friend has been to see me over the years and always liked where I lived and so she was advising everyone (friends and relatives) to come stay with me. I am not the easiest to get to due to the distance and finances so I knew this would not be an weekly issue as such.

When I left her husband was very upset and I stupidly said if you're ever in my neck of the woods let me know. To be honest I really didnt think in a lifetime he would, because A we didnt really like each other and B due to his child's needs it would be impossible.

Since she has passed he has sent a few texts with a few updates on his children and I have sent a couple of texts wishing them Merry Christmas and condolences on her anniversary. I really thought quite quickly our communication would fritter out with the passage of time so haven't really thought anything of it.

Now he has sent a message with a text with I really need to come to your country for some decent beer. ' I know from friends of Louise he had been drinking quite a bit so some this might be fuelled by alcohol.

How do I politely respond without causing offence. Ive met alot of his family when I was there and they are lovely people, but he seems to be the dark sheep of the family.

I am forever 'doing the right thing' but get myself in these predicaments when I should just shut up !! All advice welcome ...but be kind. I haven't responded yet and the time difference is helping with this, for now. AIBU?

Thanks SlippyDip, she was a good friend.

This sounds exactly like something I’ve done in the past.

On two occasions the people did actually visit. The first time I offered a sofa (I was living in an apt). The second time I was older and wiser but still stupid enough to offer and the offer was taken up. I sent a list of local B&Bs and met up with the person twice.

This guy sounds like a drinker and you’re in a country known for beer. He just used that as an excuse.

Personally I’d ignore the message and if sends it again, send a list of accommodation to him. You can’t stop him coming but you don’t have to be responsible for him.

Im guessing you’re in Aus. and it isn’t likely he will go.

I wouldn’t be quick to cut contact as the children may reach out to you when they are older. You’re their mum’s oldest friend. I’m sure your friend rested easier knowing her children could contact you if they needed to. When they are old enough to email/use social media give them your contact details. They may wait years to contact you or they may never reach out at all but when they become parents themselves, having someone who was close to their mother might help with any questions they might have.

The first poster is on the money

Text that.

Feckin chancer!

Do you have numbers for the kids?

If so I'd just ignore him.

Think I will just ignore it, as any comment might encourage further engagement, especially on this topic. It was sent in the evening so he may have been already been a bit pickled if it's a regular habit, which it most likely is, and so fuelling his cheekiness to just ask if he can visit. Thanks everyone.

I would just be honest with the guy. 'I'm really sorry, but the making of that offer must have been the grief talking',or something like that. Wish him well and just get on with your life.

I'd block him to be honest. You have no responsibility to him.

It's only been a year. He may see you as a connection to his late wife and be holding on for that reason. I'd just give him friendly and short responses. Chances are it will fritter away over time, but a year is not long after such a major loss. I doubt he plans to really come but if he does, I'd offer him a suggestion or two but not take responsibility for meeting or entertaining him.

Sorry for your loss.

Ignore his message and I think if he pushes it again you need to be very clear saying that it doesn't work for you to meet up with him at this time. You don't need to say why.

Am I missing something? He just said 'come to your country' not I must come and sleep on your sofa for a month.

He's grieving for his wife it's all still raw. I know you don't like him that's fair enough, and you are not ever under any obligation to host him or even ever see him again but in this instance I would do as a pp said, send a laughing emoji or a non-comittal response and that's that.

I'm sorry about your friend.

I agree with ignoring it for the moment, but if he pushes it again, say something like 'I don't drink much so can't give you recommendations, but my friends always say the best places for a beer are in Manchester' (or if you are in/close to Manchester, say Glasgow instead).

Just ignore. There is no reason not to. You don't want to see him and this is the best way of achieving that.

I wouldn't even reply.

I also feel like I'm missing something here. He hasn't asked if he can come and stay he's literally just said "I really need to come to your country for some decent beer".

Where does that mention you or staying with you?

If I were friends with this man, I'd text back something like, "it's a long way to come for a beer! 🤣"

If I were not friends, I'd ignore it, or send a thumbs up maybe.

You do not have to engage with this man if you don't want to.

You appear, from your op, to even be worrying about the time scale of answering him. Don't worry about that either. Just because someone messaged you and you've read it, doesnt mean you have to reply immediately!

Some of these responses are really horrible. Would people really treat someone like that? It reads like folks are competing to see just how badly they can treat this man.

personally I’d simply respond and say, let me know if you decide to come, I’d love to meet for a coffee or lunch if available.

and leave it there.