Ex husband opened child maintenance case

[Twitwooooo]

So as the name suggests really.

Won’t put too much info encase it drip feeds.
ExH and I have two children together. When we split 10ish years ago he refused to pay anything while working so I opened a child maintenance case against him. Every time they found him, issued warrant to deduct from income etc he’d quit his job and get another then stopped working entirely unless cash in hand which was a regular income for him and CMS couldn’t track apparently regardless of being told places and employers.
He was also abusive in our marriage.
This year our teenager decided the grass would be greener after 2 years of no contact (his choice). Other child stays with me and has no wishes to visit him.
He’s now opened a maintenance case against me after so many years of refusing to acknowledge how expensive children are and as I am a law abiding citizen they know how much I earn demanding I pay x amount a week/month to him.
So would I be unreasonable to take it to appeals? Would they even take into consideration my cooperation with the case verses his lack of cooperation?
I am more than happy to give teen money however, I am unsure they money would get spent or given towards their care if given to him.

Lucky lady that is with him now and decided he'd make a good dad enough to have a baby.

@maybejustonemoretime right? Did I sell him enough? 😂 sounds a proper keeper! If anything I feel I’ve missed out from the day I kicked him out 😂😂

You can take very small comfort in the fact you almost entirely free of him.
I would honestly consider giving up work and doing cleaning/ home care/ dog walking for a little bit rather than give him a penny.
You'd probably be better off for a little bit and as soon as he realises he isn't getting any money he'll be sending your teenager back to you anyway so it'd be win win.

What a total spineless dickhead. The law should changed so that it stops children from being allowed to live with a parent who has shown this pattern of avoidance or parental responsibility through the children's lives. It's a well known avoidance tactic and personally any benefits or student loans they get should be cut until the money they owe is paid. What is so difficult about forcing a parent, to pay for a child who they have brought them into the world? I think they should be publicly named and shamed.

Going back years now but I had mine offset from my ExHs debt when DS decided to go live with him as he had arrears totalling thousands. I did have to argue lots though.

They should off set it against what is being paid to you but if his payments are 0 due to student finance that won't help you. Would CMS accept you providing for essential items over sending actual money? So if you were instructed to pay £100 a month could you buy clothes/top up dinner money account etc instead?

Unfortunately, whilst it's not fair given he's never paid, it might be a case of being the 'bigger person' and just paying. Its money to support the care of your child so whether it goes direct to them for pocket money or into the family pot and the bills get paid and food is on the table your DC will still benefit from this. Again I can understand your frustration but just because he was a prize pratt and actively avoids proving for his children doesn't make it any better if you do the same. Justifiable anger is the hardest thing to make peace with but fighting it might just feed your anger and frustration and cause you more pain in the long run.

Absolutely.

Infuriating, entitled, greedy, selfish prick.

@NeverAloneNeverAgain I might agree with that if the op wasn't providing for their other child with no support from him, or she was on a high salary. But as it stands, I agree with her stance. the child has gone to live there in a fit of pique by the sounds of it and may well return when it turns out not to be a cushy option funded by the op.

@NeverAloneNeverAgain i completely agree, if he was in squalor or was struggling financially I probably wouldn’t happily agree to CMS but I’d be more likely than now. However, they live in a house mortgage free, with himself, his partner who is on good money and even has a good maternity package and one of her parents live with them equating to two adult incomes, his student finance, probably UC top up now because of two child elements, child benefit and I’m assuming PIP going off what my teen disclosed a few months ago. I highly doubt they’re going without each month.
We on the other hand have his other child, thankfully as that child is terrified of him and we have another child. If I was to have to pay £176 a month as suggested by CMS, both of these children will be going without and it could potentially place us at risk of homelessness as we would struggle to pay everything unfortunately. My partner is also on low income, he works in education at the bottom of the scale while finishing his degree, I could get a better paid job but due to other child with childcare and constant nursery illnesses, this job is more stable/flexible with constant calls to collect. My plan was to get a better job once he starts growing out of this illness phase which is never ending.

@BibbleandSqwauk I think return is imminent, over Christmas she was home explaining why she was grounded which was for a much lesser offence than she was grounded here before she went to him. I want to encourage her return faster as tbh I feel like I’ve been grieving since she left, I’d never been apart from either of them for longer than 2 days and all of a sudden my baby wasn’t where she should be. I just don’t know how to encourage or speed it up.

Does 1 of your children want to go and stay with your EX for a few nights or live with their day full time? I'd be fuming OP... I actually wonder of this will happen to me one day also!. Do you think your child will actually wants to stay with their dad long term? Hopefully not!

Do your children know about all this? If the one that has left is old enough to understand the difficulties you are facing, you might be able to have a no-pressure chat about her switching to 50/50

I would be wary @Twitwooooo I thought my DS would be back but it's been a good few months now, his dad gives him his DLA money which is nearly £300 a month and basically he can do whatever he wants - for example last night he was still on the PlayStation at gone midnight as I had a email come through for something he'd brought on the PlayStation store. At the moment Ex is treading very carefully with him to ensure there's no upset. Although his dad was messaging me asking to drop the cms case against him and he'd pay £100 a week and drop the one against me, claiming it was in a mistake and their soliciter had appeal etc and it was going to court in April, I've said no and I've been paying the csa I owe and being the bigger person. It's a load of lies so obviously he's desperate to get rid of the claim - this is the whole reason he convinced DS to go and live with him. He used that as a tactic to make me drop the cms case.

It is horrible not having DS here so I get that feeling of loss. I have been so upset over it but just trying to make the most of time we do have together. Sadly my son has pulled back (I can only imagine the things he's told him) so it hasn't been a lot.

I'm so sorry. The system is incredibly unfair to parents like you who work hard to support their dc.

What a shitty “father”.

Ooh that sucks so badly and I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I had 13 years of no maintenance and my ex-husband now has an arrears only case for our child (just to give background)

Sadly, I think you need to be the bigger person. As galling as it is, you have a financial responsibility to your joint child. Don’t turn into your ex and refuse to pay. Don’t let his past behaviour dictate yours. Your child will remember how you behave now and thank you for it later if you do it right.

Again, so sorry this is happening and NRPs shouldn’t be allowed to get away with this. Non-payment of CM should be as shameful as drink-driving but the government just don’t care.