To be struggling with this or am I abnormal?

[tryingeverydayagain]

My eldest is 17 and is dating her first "serious" boyfriend. She's started staying over at his house this week. I'm just feeling a bit uneasy with it, and I think it's because it signifies the transition from child to adult for me. I'm feeling almost bereft and struggling with letting go of "my little girl" as she becomes a young woman. I've literally sat and cried about this tonight.

Can any mums of teens relate to this? Or am I weird? 😢

Ps. I'm feeling a bit fragile so please refrain from being an arse. Thank you.

I an relate. For me, it's the suddenly not being the most important female in his life. Also, if we've had words about something, it bothers me that he must portray us as awful nags to his girlfriend.

However, I find myself cherishing every hug and chat even more than before.

Explained really well !
I know exactly how you feel , i am so proud of my very beautiful feisty girl , i can't actually believe i could have produced something so beautiful !😁but i miss those days when she was so little and innocent and reliant on us.
I am so exited for her future but equally worried about all the bad things out there , i absolutely do not think you are abnormal quite the opposite.
I can't listen to slipping through my fingers either !

I feel the same as you. DD is on the cusp of BF sleepovers and I’m exited for her for this next stage of her life.

@Hurdygurdy12 "Sometimes I feel weird because I don’t feel like this! I love seeing her blossom and learn about life and relationships, it’s my favourite part of being a parent!"

It's possible to feel more than one thing at once. To be excited and awestruck and delighted by new horizons and wistful and a little regretful for the old life.

I can't relate, because I dont have children, but can I tell you about my parents, that might make you laugh and feel a bit better.

I know my mum and dad struggled, like you are, when I turned 16/17.
To be honest, they still "struggle" now, and I'm 42😂

Only the other week, I was walking with my dad and he automatically stuck his hand out to hold my hand to cross the road. 😂 I did point out I'm 42 and dont really need his supervision to cross the road anymore.
My mum still asks if I need a wee wee before we go on a long drive - but i think she does this on purpose 😁

@minou123
That did make me laugh 😂 I needed that!

I get what you're saying. Thank you, that helps x

I can definitely relate to this OP. I really struggled when my DD started growing up and going out on her own with friends and bfs. And don't get me started on when she went to uni. 😭 It was a very difficult few months building up to it. I kept thinking, this is the last time I'll tuck her up in bed; what if she doesn't get on with people at uni; we won't be able to have chats over dinner every night; we won't be able to go shopping every weekend; who will I do the weekly food shop with! Honestly, I was a mess. But I'll mention the awfully twee sounding saying, 'we give them wings so they can fly' and it is so true! I miss those days but we have the best times now when she's home to visit and we organise a few little trips every year for the two of us. Also my DH found it tricky too - he still does I think and she's nearly 26!

I'm another who doesn't relate. Mine are now mid 20s with one married, one marrying layer this year.

Perhaps it's just a personality thing. I look forward rather than backward, possibly to an extreme extent. We didn't hold onto a lot of their childhood things except those things which DGC (if we are blessed) might want to play with.

There isn't a stage of their childhoods I haven't enjoyed but I have always looked forward to the next stage to see what comes next.

If you have grandchildren and are lucky enough to spend quality time with them you will feel this all over again as they grow up.

I know it is because I love being needed.
Luckily as they get older and relationships change they too think fondly of the memories and the good times.

It's wonderful to see how children and grandchildren become adults you love and appreciate.

I'm not a parent, but I definitely think it's pretty normal to feel that way.

I think it would become abnormal if you were trying to stop her growing up and were being overly controlling with her or something like that, but clearly that isn't the case! You sound like a great parent - you love your daughter and you're struggling with the way you feel because you still have that urge to protect her, but you aren't letting that have a negative impact on her or making her feel bad. You sound a lot like my own mum was when I was your daughter's age!

Off topic, but how usual is it for teenagers here to sleep over at their boyfriend / girlfriend’s house? With everyone’s parents’ blessing? I grew up in a different country (albeit a long time ago!) and this just would never have happened at all.

I can relate but only by analogy. I’ve been very anxious about our baby cat going out for the first two times and many of my friends are much younger (met while doing a degree in middle life) so I can sympathise. It’s a big and difficult emotion to cope with but I bet you’re less unusual than most would cop to. I’d do some self soothing and when you’re a bit calmer and able to have the chat in a less emotional way, talk to your daughter. If you’ve got a fairly good relationship then she’ll be able to reassure you and you can reaffirm your love. Maybe you can phrase it as “I am really happy you’ve found your first love [insert name] but I’m feeling really emotional about this big life change and I’m also worried he might hurt you. I don’t want to be interfering but please know I still love you and I’m here if anything troubles you, even if you aren’t sure it should be troubling. I trust you and I love you loads and nothing will change that. Don’t be afraid to come to me for anything.”

My daughter isn't (thankfully) old enough for boyfriends yet but I can totally relate to this: I think its very normal to grieve the loss of the sweet child who is very dependent on you.

As an aside, I am not looking forward to the boyfriends because I think the vast majority of boys are a thoroughly malign influence on teenage girls.

At best they are a distraction, at worst they are terrible for girls' self-esteem and just vacuum away their focus and drive with the potential for pregnancy and being led astray. Boys hammer away at girls' sense of self, they put them down and make them feel their opinions and views aren't valid and that they are inferior at most things they do. Even the "nice" ones are usually dull time-wasters. And apologies to mothers of boys; boys are nice enough on their own terms but the dynamic between teenage boys and teenage girls is a car crash for girls.

I think once they are in their 20s and have a more secure sense of who they are its different but teenage girls just aren't equipped to deal with it. I see no upside whatsoever in my DD having a boyfriend and frankly I just pray she's going to be a very late starter or best of all a lesbian.

Obviously I realise it's nothing I have any control over though and will take this as it comes!

I cried my eyes out when I found out my oldest had had sex. He was 16 and we were going through a rough time with his mental health and various other issues, so I was a bit emotionally raw anyway.

Lots of us struggle with milestones and moving on and kids growing up, more than is generally known or talked about. Motherhood involves lots of endings and small losses alongside the gains and joys. It's natural that we cry sometimes.

I lost my virginity at nineteen, the same age I held someone’s hand first and had my first kiss. First official sleepover was twenty. I was WAY behind most of the pupils at my posh girls’ school where the median age was roughly thirteen for losing their virginity. I’ve got a much younger BF who tells me he started watching porn at twelve. TWELVE. At thirty I recently saw some and managed to put up with fifteen seconds before basically running out of the room shaking. None of this is exaggeration.
Anyway, when my then boyfriend would visit during my uni years (18-21) he would sleep in the double bed with me once it was clear we were together. Current boyfriend is a little heavier and single bed is on its last legs so we just make a soft place on the floor with pillows. I am thirty.
Not sure about blessings but sleeping over with my first boyfriend (I was nineteen, he was twenty) was entirely unquestioned on his parents’ end and resulted in THE TALK with mine when I was twenty-three, which was odd and hilarious as I was actually fertile at that point and was listening going basically a) I’ve pretty much had the sex Ed from mean girls for the entirety of my academic career b) I’ve been having sex for four years and you know it and c) do you just not have anything to do today?! WHY NOW?!

@Thepeopleversuswork I wish you could see the dynamic between my two 'dull time wasters' and their girlfriends. One has bought a chess set so he can teach her to play, the other has encouraged his to return to a sport she loved in childhood and regrets giving up. Both are with strong young women who are their intellectual and philosophical equals, and I couldn't be happier for them

Such a broad generalisation of young men is not helpful or accurate

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau 😂When I was growing up most people’s parents were fine with them sleeping in the same bed as BFs / GFs if they were home for the hols from uni, but not when they were living under the same roof as their parents full time. If I’d asked to have my boyfriend to sleep over when I was 16 or 17 my parents would have thought I’d lost my mind.

I'm sure you're right and there are definitely nice teenage boys so I'm sorry if my post sounded disparaging about them.

But I'm afraid it doesn't change my view that in general, and with some notable exceptions, having relationships with boys in the teenage years isn't beneficial to girls.

This isn't because I think boys are bad or harmful per se: I just think that the whole setup around teenage relationships is based on the idea of "play acting" at being in grown up relationships and for girls this comes too soon. I don't think girls are emotionally ready for relationships before their 20s really; all they are doing is displacing far more useful activities and chasing something they aren't ready for. In the most benign cases (such as with your sons) this is all fairly harmless but it's still just a waste of time which could be much more productively spent on other activities. And in the worst cases it leads to unscrupulous boys taking advantage of girls.

Anyway generally I don't see the upside in encouraging girls and boys to couple up in their teens. I think they are both far too young.

please don't think that. my son is a kind, gentle, thoughtful boy. he experiences as much pressure and insecurity, negativity and prejudice as my daughter does. with an added dollop of this kind of stereotyping.

his friends are supportive and accepting. it's my daughters friends who are judgmental, fickle, limited in supportiveness and understanding. they have done far more harm to her self confidence / belief than i can imagine any boy will. i won't tar all boys or girls with the same brush and i would urge you not to either

@Thepeopleversuswork As a secondary school teacher of roughly 30 years I would disagree with you. Particularly on this part " Boys hammer away at girls' sense of self, they put them down and make them feel their opinions and views aren't valid and that they are inferior at most things they do. "

Most boys are far more reasonable than you seem to think. The majority have actually experienced possibly more negativity and lack of self esteem than the girls. And in many ways we've skewed life/school so that the girls are given more opportunities than the boys. The biggest thing that affects most girls is social media and their own friends/frenemies.

There is nothing more destructive to many girls than the dynamics between peer groups - the level of bitchiness and bullying I have seen take place over social media is appalling. Boys aren't taking photos of girls getting changed for PE (or standing over toilet doors and photographing them on the loo) and then sending to everyone they know with mocking comments about how fat they are. Other girls are.

If you worked with teens the vile nastiness over Snapchat/Tiktok/Instagram has to be seen to be believed - but it's nearly all girls. Boys are generally calmer and less spiteful.

OP I hear you. I felt a bit weird about it when DD started a physical relationship with her boyfriend when they were both 17. But I was really glad she talked to me about it and that we were able to discuss contraception, consent, boundaries etc. The weirdness didn’t last long though. I mean obviously I wouldn’t want to hear or see evidence of it, just as I wouldn’t have wanted to hear my parents or my brother or whatever, but I’m fine with the fact she and her boyfriend have sex. It’s a long-term relationship and it is a loving and respectful one and I can’t think of any better situation for a first experience of an intimate relationship.

I see I have focused on the sex bit and that’s not necessarily what you were talking about OP- apologies if I’ve derailed a bit.

But yes, relate to the other stuff too- DD is 18 and will likely be either at University or travelling by the end of this year and I don’t think I’m ready for her to just not be here!

She has developed so much more independence over the past couple of years and we’ve been through phases where we’ve hardly seen her for a few days or so because she is at college/work/out with friends/seeing boyfriend. She drives now too so that has given her a lot more freedom (but the first time they go out in their car alone after passing their test- I wasn’t ready for that! 😫) So yeah, it’s definitely normal to feel the pangs of sadness alongside the pride.

I still old my daddy hand, he’s in his 80’s I’m nearly 60!
I also message him every day and finish with I love you, nothing wrong with still holding hands and kiss and hug goodbye

@ChristmasTreeMagic oh god that song. I bawled the first time I watched Mamma Mia amd that came on; it came up in a playlist just after DD (then 18) ended up staying with her then BF as it was the first lockdown and he lived closer to her work.

It does get easier but I bawled my eyes out off and on for about a month as all of a sudden my baby was an adult. 3 and a half years later, a new (far nicer!) partner and we treat the nights she stays as his as date nights for us too.

Hang on in there @tryingeverydayagain xx