It’s a husband and porn one…

[Chickenfeed67]

A few days ago, I got up, went into the bathroom to have a shower and left DH in bed. I turned on the shower radio, and it must have been connected to his phone by Bluetooth because the sounds of a porn video came through it.

I shouted through to him, ‘what are you listening to’ and he came through a minute or so later all apologetic. Said ‘oh it was just some silly thing I clicked on, blah blah’. I’m not daft - I know he watches porn and if I’m not in the house I don’t really care…but the thought he turned it on as soon as I left the room feels different somehow. It’s not a sackable offence, but I can’t really look at him and it’s been a few days.

Should I get over it or has he really done wrong? I just don’t know.

I know what you mean, there's a difference between assuming he looks at porn and it actually being forced in your face! It's like he was waiting for you to go in the shower and immediately put it on. You will get over it but it would piss me off too

He could have had the decency to wait!!! I'd find that really disrespectful.

how was it left and what has it been like between you since then?

so you’ve barely spoken and awful tension since then?

do you have children?

Not really awful tension, just an uncomfortable feeling. He’s trying to be extra nice. No kids in the house.

How is your sex life generally?

If it's ok then I'd still feel a bit hurt because hes choosing it over you but id take the view that sex and masturbation are 2 different things and he just wanted 2 minutes to himself, not the intimacy of sex. A bit like wanting a takeaway in your jammies infront of the telly rather than a sociable meal out with friends.

so after he denied it… then what? he continues to deny?

either way… you know he watches porn. he knows you know he watches porn. whilst thoughtless of him, if you haven’t discussed “ground rules”… it seems unfair to have days of barely being able to make eye contact with him.
Talk to him!

If you're not bothered that he watches porn, then why are you bothered he's watching porn?

Quick thought experiment. Take the porn out of the equation for a minute. You've gone for a shower, but forget your towel so pop back into the bedroom for it. You find him in there having a quick wank (without porn). Are you still annoyed?

Are you annoyed he's wanking when you've just left the room?
Are you annoyed that he's watching porn when you've left the room?
Are you annoyed that you've been exposed to the (sound of) the porn?
Are you annoyed that he watches porn at all (and you just didn't realise it).

Right now, his understanding is that you haven't had a problem with porn, but now you do. Identifying what exactly has pissed you off will enable you to identify what boundaries you want to establish. At that point you can have a reasonable conversation with him.

Hopefully he'll agree to those boundaries and all will be well. He may not though, (for instance, I wouldn't accept a "no wanking when I'm in the house" rule), and you're the ones trying to introduce a boundary into the relationship that wasn't in place before.

I think I would be annoyed to find him wanking if I’d popped back in, yes. It might be illogical as I’m pretty sure he does when I’m not in the house. But sometimes we find ourselves annoyed at illogical things! And as @MaggieNextDoor said, it seems a bit disrespectful.

Totally agree with this. I’m anti-porn so it’s moot for me, but I don’t get why this particularly situation is problematic if you accept porn in your relationship. It feels to me like OP is basically saying she doesn’t want to feel like her OH is immediately looking at porn as soon as she leaves the room (as if he is specifically waiting for her to leave to do so) but that is exactly what she’s allowing by allowing porn. 🤷🏻‍♀️

so…..

basically say this to him

it doesn’t bode well for your marriage op that this incident results in days of you not able to even look at him

If your sex life is otherwise OK (and you already knew that he watches porn and don't care) then... does it matter, really, if he has a quick wank when you're in the shower and that he used porn for that?

If he typically wants sex less than you, or had just rejected an attempt from you to initiate sex before you went to have a shower, then that puts a very different slant on things, but otherwise I personally would accept that he's entitled to masturbate and that the porn is what he's using to hurry it along, basically. It isn't a rejection of you. Sex and masturbation are two different things. FWIW, I think most women have probably had a quick, um, release while their husband was in another room at some point in their lives too. If someone posted 'AIBU to masturbate in the shower as a quick release while my husband is still in bed?' I don't think you'd get many people saying YABU.

I completely understand why actually hearing it over Bluetooth was a bit grim - I don't think many people would choose to hear that! - but it's not like he did it deliberately to hurt or taunt you. It was a genuine mistake and I'm sure he's mortified.

I think you need to have a proper conversation about it, and just explain why it made you feel a bit weird, but at the same time accepting that it was just unfortunate that you heard it and not something he was doing to be horrible. In general, can you have honest conversations with each other about things like this.

Wait for what? Until the next time he's got the house to himself? What if that's a really rare occurrence? I don't think it's that reasonable to tell someone they can only masturbate under specific conditions, to be honest. It's a very normal and healthy urge!

Ok, while that's a perfectly acceptable boundary to have, it's also one I'd be very careful about introducing into an already established relationship.

Personally, I'd see it as a big red flag if a partner tried to control my bodily autonomy like that. Sometimes, I want a little five minutes alone time before I get out of bed in the morning, and I don't want to be banished to the bathroom or the shower in order to do it.

So I'd think very hard about where you draw the line.

"You're not allowed to wank while I'm in the house" would be a relationship ender for me, whereas "I'd prefer it if you tried to ensure I wasn't aware when you had a wank" would be perfectly acceptable to me (and in fact is how it works in my relationship)

Given that this is the first time you've caught him though, he's probably already doing this, so you have to be able to let it go when the rare slip ups happen.

Either way, you're trying to introduce a boundary into a relationship that wasn't there before, so you're always going to run the risk that you're not going to be able to come to a compromise and this is what ends it.

Well this is one time when I’m happy to be told IAMBU! I’d much rather get over this, and I’m glad most people wouldn’t see it as a big deal.

can anonymous posters telling you something really make you go from upset, barely about to look at your husband for his disrespect to… oh ok then, all good?

I didn’t say I was over it… I said I wanted to be over it, and this is helping.

Why wouldn't it? That's the whole purpose of AIBU surely, to help people work out whether they're overreacting about stuff.

yes but to be able to just flip your feelings because a dozen anonymous posters tell you they would feel differently?

She said it's helping her to see it differently. That's the point of these forums isn't it? To get others opinions.

"I feel really disrespected by this, surely anyone would. Oh, it turns out that most people wouldn't find this a big deal, maybe this is my issue rather than something my partner has done wrong. I should try to work out why that is so it doesn't bother me in future"

Seems like a perfectly normal thought process to me. And quite refreshing that someone has asked AIBU, and then taken it on board when most people say "Yes, YABU"

You must surely be able to see you're both going to laugh one day about the time you turned the radio on to Debbie Does Dallas blasting out?

He’s an idiot, everyone knows you should disable Bluetooth just in case.

Ultimately there is no objective right or wrong in terms of what's ok in a relationship.
Some people aren't ok with porn.
While others have open relationships!
You get to set your rules, but you have to communicate your boundaries, and mutually agree to them.

Ultimately it sounds like you you have a sort of "out of sight is ok" situation with porn in your relationship and husband has broken it - but completely accidentally.

So you're justified in feeling upset - but it isn't really his fault. Kinda like if someone breaks something precious by accident - you get angry with them but ultimately it was just a wretched accident and you calm down and move on.

I'm pretty sure he'll have learned his lesson and it won't happen again!