To wonder how full time mums cope? Helpful hints.

[Lennon80]

About to start a full time role - no family support and three young kids (youngest is reception age). Please tell me what you do to make life easier as I feel like I won’t cope and already anxious.

People can use the phrase in whatever way they like, I guess.

Personally, I think it's offensive to use it in the sense of being a SAHM, as it implies that those who work are somehow part time parents, which clearly isn't the case. I therefore found it quite refreshing to see it used in a different way, although I agree that some people might misinterpret what the OP means by it. It's pretty clear as soon as you read the first post though.

I meant that people who would have some good advice might not bother to click on her post as the title is slightly misleading.

I seem to have touched a nerve with some people- I'm genuinely sorry, I've just always heard "full-time mum" used as synonymous to "stay-at-home mum". I'm not suggesting anyone, working or not, isn't a mum 100% of the time! 😬

If you can afford to, consider a live-in nanny/housekeeper as you have no family support nearby. We’ve had the same one since oldest of 2 DC was born and it’s the only way we’ve both been able to work FT in jobs that involve lots of travel and early mornings/late nights. She works weekdays and handles the bulk of school runs, meals, after school activities, doctors appointments etc. While they’re in school she does light laundry, cleaning, groceries etc. though we have a cleaner come in once per week.

This setup is very expensive and takes a massive chunk of our salary but we see it as short term because once the DC are older we won’t need this level of help. You’d also need to be comfortable with someone else being in your home most of the time, and 100% comfortable with their judgement, parenting/discipline style etc. because they’ll be looking after your DC for most of the day.

This arrangement works for us because weekends are usually work free and we spend quality time as a family with no work pressure. We also love our nanny (she’s amazing and more like family now) and after 6+ years I trust her with my DC and home completely. Good luck and congratulations on your new role!

No, they don’t. When people say that they’re being sexist.

You need to make your life as simple as possible and, depending on finances, buy in as much help as possible. Your Partner also needs to step up and take on his share of the responsibilities - you can' the default parent, default home organiser AND work full time. Make sure you and your DP are on the same page regarding time off for emergency sick care, school plays etc etc.

I hate meal planning, but it is a much smarter way to work as I can shop in advance and I build in planning meals that are easier/quicker on days that I need them and I don't have to think about food at all during the day. Similarly, meal planning allows you to plan for whatever meal preparation your DP is doing without it leading to a crisis and stress every day.

If you can, buy additional school uniform and PE kit. This allow you to simply do one giant load of school uniform and PE kit at the weekend, removing the need for daily monitoring and checking.

do not allow your children to get into the habit of packed lunch. School lunches all the way I did not learn this lesson plus I have fussy children with intolerances. It is a pain in the ass

Make friends with other parents on the school run, particularly ones who are the parents of your children's friends. Then, over time, build in optionality for emergency support. very very importantly this must be a two way thing - so you take Janet to ballet on Saturday and Janet's mum collects your youngest on a Thursday. Ad hoc or regular.

Do not get a pet.

I see your point, but tbh I've always found the phrase "stay at home parent" a bit silly, as it implies they never leave the house!

The only reason I mentioned it is that a lot of people with experience of working full time with young children may not bother to even read the post in the first place because of the title.

Can you elaborate? I genuinely never realised the term "full-time mum" was so controversial. I certainly wouldn't interpret it as sexist, as a SAHD could just as likely be referred to as a full-time dad.

I suspect that people who consider the phrase "full time mum" sexist need to widen their social circles -- every "full time dad" I know describes himself as such (conversely I have never heard of a "stay at home dad" and describing anyone as a stay-at-home doesn't feel like a compliment).

FWIW, I don't know a single SAHD who describes himself as a "full time dad". And I know quite a few SAHDs.

@2mummies1baby tbh I clicked on the post because I thought it referred to SAHMs and I have always wondered how they coped 😂 I don't think 'full time mum' is sexist but I can see that the implication that having a job makes me a 'part time mum' has potential to offend.

We have a big planner with key dates across the year on the wall plus I had a weekly kit/materials planner when the DC were younger.
I had a box of crafting materials for last minute projects.
Extra school uniform to minimise weekday washing.
Action school letters straight away and add them to the planner.
Agree with lowering your standards reasonably tidy, clean and fed is enough.

Make friends with school parents. If you do, you'll have back up to help with sports, play dates when school shut etc. You will have to reciprocate on weekend but thems the breaks!

i don’t have 3 but we both have demanding jobs.

tldr throw money at it

the house

• Robot hoover I put in on ground floor (all hardwood/tiled) before I do nursery drop off.
• cleaner if you can afford it. Mine changes the sheets, I wash them
• Washing i do a small load every day. I run overnight before bed and hang during breakfast / pre drop off. It’s a “3 day system” so I fold dry day 1 clothes into a basket and it goes on the stairs, day 2 I turn if needed and then I hang the day 3 stuff that just washed overnight. Takes 10mins
• tidying we have toys in kids/playroom only, limit/rotate toys and encourage independent play because I am lazy. I do a tidy around them/with them before bed. Not perfect but good enough.

Food - I’m a bit crap at. Meal plan just hasn’t worked for me

• Monday dinner is always Sundays extra portion leftovers
• 1 x per week mid week we do a lazy dinner (eggs on toast, beans on toast)
• Friday is fakeaway - general chicken gyros or a pizza from the supermarket

in between that we just muddle through 😅

oh kids activities we keep REALLY simple and low effort. Parks, forest, visiting friends or relatives, going to the supermarket…

Nah it's not the opposite, I have never stopped being a mum

But agree the wording should say full time at work

I’m a sahm now but I used to work long hours and I was carer for my Mum.

My tips

• make sure you get enough sleep (even if these means a messy house)
• routines, routines and more routines. It means less mental energy is used up. On a Sunday night, double check everyone has clothes for the week. A list of everything which needs going on an evening in the inside of cupboard eg put on robot hoover, set machine timer, prepare stuff for dinner tomorrow, fill water bottles, get everyone’s bags ready (supervise the kids doing their own)
• Make sure kids have their own tick list of things they need to do to get ready
• Food, online shopping same time every week, batch cook for swimming lesson night or whatever is the busy night, 2 or 3 week meal plan, always have the ingredients for an emergency meal in the cupboard eg tuna pasta bake
• cleaner
• building in set tidying time for the kids
• cut yourself some slack
• good storage

My tips as a single parent of two

Lower standards
Do as much in advance as possible - batch cooking, laying out clothes night before, etc
Book childcare for holidays as far in advance as you can
Accept that you will have to adapt your lifestyle in some way and know that it isn't forever.

The only ones I know who cope have partners who split 50/50 and local family.

Routine routine routine
Boring, predictable, low stress

Eg in the day:
Everyone sort bags for next day the minute you get home
Everyone set table
Everyone eat
Everyone clear up
Reading
Bedtime

Eg in the week:

Monday - homework, weekend leftovers
Tues - tidy bedrooms, spag bol
Weds - swimming, jacket potatoes

As well as batch cooking, do batch thinking!
Meal plan and shop every Friday / Sat whatever works best as well as having a running list that everyone can add to (we use Alexa)
Sort all bday cards and presents once a month
Decluttering clothes once a season
Etc etc

Drop your standards around housework and cooking from scratch

Have an hour with DP On a Sunday which you designate for weekly planning. Who needs to be where, when. Who is doing what. It helps to plan this stuff out and make sure it's evenly delegated. And we meal plan and do online food order during our Sunday business hour too.

I'm a SAHM and I'd suggest that if a SAHM friend offers help - take her up on it!

It's taken a couple of years for my lovely working mum friends to realise that I really did mean the offers to do school pick up in an emergency or to have their children for a day each school holiday.

It's not much, granted. But I hope that every little helps when annual leave is limited and childcare is expensive.

Printed out timetables to help remember who has PE on what day. These were at eye level on the fridge door.

I really don’t think it’s difficult, but then I’ve never know any alternative!

Make sure you do all washing and ironing at the weekend, all uniform and sports kits for the whole week.

I’ve never batch cooked, but it might be helpful depending on what you like to eat. I do use a slow cooker in the winter sometimes.

When they were small we used to do reading in the bath - saving the time!

I never left the house with it making all the beds and clearing the breakfast dishes. Doing everything immediately stops it all piling up.

you’ll be fine, might take some adjustment but it’s totally doable!

You can get your DC to help, so when they get home, they take coats/shoes/bags off and put them away.
They can take lunchboxes/reading books/water bottles out of their bags, put the rubbish in the bin and then put them where you want them (sink/dishwasher). In the mornings they can repack their bags.
After eating they can put rubbish in the bin and then rinse plates and put them in the dishwasher.
My DC have one place to put dirty clothes and they put them in there every night, so not left in their rooms/bathroom. No cups/plates/devices in their rooms and when finished with, they put them back on charge/in the dishwasher (make sure they get this the right way round 😁)
My DC can make their own beds if they need changing and help dust/hoover.
If they use the shower, they wipe it down as best they can after and open windows.
I've built up to this over time as I realise that writing this down it seems quite a lot, but they just do it automatically now and don't need reminding. They are only little things but when there are multiple children just doing these little bits and pieces can take a while.
Then the more obvious, meal plan, batch cook, weekly shop, clean as you go.
If you have a partner get them to do something.

We both work full time. Things that I find help:

• deal with letters etc. from the school as soon as you get them. Sign permission slips, put things in your calendar, respond to party invites etc. Do it as soon as you arrive so they don't get forgotten about!
• Log important dates for school in your diary - non-uniform days as soon as you know, days they need to bring in a potato dressed as a book character, days they need to be dressed as a Victorian.... 🙄
• Log anything that impacts work in your diary too - teacher training days, school holidays, parents evening etc. and make sure your DH does the same and doesn't expect you to cover them all..
• Meal plan (or even better, sign up to Gousto or similar)
• We have a cleaner, but in the past, doing things like having a set day to focus on a different room/task helps with keeping on top of it
• Following on from that, I have specific days where I wash all the bedding or change all the towels.
• Do washing every time you get a full load.
• Weekends we tend to have one day where we do 'jobs' - so anything that needs doing and then the other day is free to have family time
• Shopping gets delivered so we're not spending weekend/evening time traipsing around a supermarket