Trigger warning ⚠️ SA. Can't shift the feeling

[ABCDE01234]

So long story short I was SA by "step dad" from ages 10 - 15 when I left home to escape it. I now have a 10 year old daughter and for some reason I am literally watching how men act around her, How she acts around men.

I have no reason to believe that any men around her would do such a thing DH and DDs uncles who are young and in their 20s but I cannot shift this feeling.

For example if DD has pyjamas on which are shorts and tshirt I am watching DH making sure he isn't looking etc if DD is playing like a normal child doing handstands while her uncles are in and her tshirt inches up slightly I'm watching them all to make sure they aren't looking.

Now I'm writing this out I sound absolutely insane I know DH and DDs uncles are not like that at all but my brain just won't stop.

Just looking for some advice really, has any one been in this situation is this part of trauma and I'm just being overly protective.

Any advice would be appreciated.

You're not insane OP, you have a loved experience that makes you hyper vigilant to ensure it never happens to your DD.

Have you had any counselling to try and help you move forward from what happened to you?

Also, are you being subtle? As, to be honest, if noone else can tell you're being hyper vigilant then to be honest I don't think there is any issue with it other than your own mental health.

I’m sorry to hear of your experience OP. I can assure you that you’re not the only one who thinks this way.

I’m very lucky in that I haven’t experienced CSA however my mum and her siblings were victims from their own biological dad. My mum raised me to be super alert and weary of people, especially men. Regardless of whether they were strangers or not.

During my first pregnancy, I couldn’t stop reading experiences of people who had experienced CSA. I read up on as many cases as possible to try and make myself see the signs. It drove me crazy. I have two toddlers now, one boy and one girl. I’m always on watch for anything untoward that comes from their dad. He’s never given me any reason to think he’ll hurt either children but it’s something I’ll never put past anyone.

I don’t know what the solution is but people that haven’t experienced (or have been impacted) by these things will tell you that you’re being dramatic or overprotective. It really is better to be safe than sorry but at the same time, obsessing over these things will drive you crazy. Maybe some sort of CBT will help? I haven’t looked into it because I don’t want to let my guard down but I know this way of thinking isn’t healthy. Sending you love x

I don’t think your behaviour is insane. When we experience something unpleasant the reality that someone else we love might experience it too comes to our awareness. For a lot of people the reality of SA is outside of their awareness even though it is incredibly common. 1 in 4 to 1 in 6 children experience SA. I think it is better to be hyper aware than not aware at all.

You're not going mad, you were abused by a man who presumably nobody thought would do what he did. Children are most likely to be sexually harmed by their father /male carer than anyone else. No wonder you're very protective. Sexual abuse ruins lives.

Can you share your worries with a friend?

@44PumpLane I have had loads of counselling been to so many therapist from child therapists, hypnotherapists to CPNs can't say either really worked but the older I got the more I just learned to live with it after years of self destruction and extremely low mental health I finally got on track and now this feeling has been here for a few months I kept telling myself it would stop but it hasn't and I'm driving myself nuts. I would think so I'm not making it obvious just a glance here and there.

@MinnieTruck its a horrible feeling isnt it! I have had therapy etc in the past but maybe getting therapy to help my mind with this situation may help.

@rumred I've been keeping it to myself with the fear of being seen as insane and also I'm not sure how to word it without sounding like I suspect people of being like that.

I finally got on track and now this feeling has been here for a few months I kept telling myself it would stop but it hasn't and I'm driving myself nuts.

I wonder are you driving yourself nuts for judging yourself for having these feelings @ABCDE01234 maybe just notice you’ve had the thought but don’t judge it. You have been through an incredibly difficult past, I was abused too so I get it, but I think you need to mind yourself kindly rather than judge yourself. You are right to be concerned about your child and to keep them safe, maybe you are a bit OTT but that is just a protective part of yourself doing what it does and protecting you and your family, I’m incredibly grateful for my protective parts even though as you find yourself they can be a bit OTT but another family member was abused for decades by the same abuser. She absolutely could not protect herself in that way. I’m eternally grateful to my protective parts.

Unless someone has been in your shoes, they cannot really understand what you are feeling, but I think your fears are completely understandable. I would try to talk to loved ones in real life so they do understand your fears, but try not to pass them onto your dd

I've been in your shoes. I completely understand where you're coming from.
Important for you to accept you will always be vigilant, but also important to not let this place boundaries on your dd, in what she wears, where she goes etc. the coming years will see your dd change so much and you can't let your experience cloud hers. I know you wouldn't want that.
I think perhaps you could do with a few top-up sessions to help you cope with the situation now as your dd grows up.
My own dd is 22 now, she's sassy enough to cut the wotsit off any man she doesn't want near her.
I think as a CSA survivor, our DD's coming up to puberty is something of a flashpoint, and also maybe expect another when she starts dating (and she will!). It's no shame to need a top-up counselling in order to get your head straight around this. I also feel that as we get older sometimes we need to revisit things with our older head on.

I know a friend who went through this and say they will never bring a step dad for her children. Pretty normal to feel protective after you and my friend went through.

@upwardsonwards you could be right with this one because I've sat and played scenarios over in my head so many times and I know DH for example loves our kids the way I love them and he does everything he can to keep them safe so when I feel this way I then start feeling horrible for having the feelings so I end up feeling twice as bad in the end. I love having the over protective side in certain circumstances but when it comes to this I just feel sore of torn in 2. I've blanked most of my abuse out I only really remember bits here and there and I think this could be another reason it eats at me because for example when it started at 10 I can't remember if I was maybe doing things like handstands etc. I know it's never the victims fault what they wear, do etc but missing these small details begs the question was it because I was doing stuff like that. If that makes sense I am in no way victim blaming but I just wish I could remember the smaller details maybe it would help ease my midland a little. I really don't know.

I have a friend who was SA at a similar age and she's exactly the same. Therapy has helped her. I think it's normal when you've been through something like this go be vigilant about your kids. I'm sorry that this happened to you.

@anothernamechangeagainsndagain I've played out a conversation with DH in my head over and over again and I really can't work out a way of trying to explain how I feel without him thinking I think that of him, I don't but its not an easy conversation to be had.

I am sorry you are going through this. When my daughter reached the same age of 10, and it was also the age I was SA - I remember looking at her and drawing parallels with how innocent and child-like I would have been at that age. Unfortunately, I was also paranoid about my daughter and males and I suspect it made her feel unsafe - I never said or did anything but I suspect she was tuned into my body language etc. She certainly started being odd and anti male to the point she wouldn't let male medical specialists examine her. Please seek help from your GP or local NHS MIND service to help you process things.

I’d ask other people just to ensure you are being subtle. My mum was sexually abused and she wasn’t subtle about her hyper-vigilance at all, which meant she used her sexual abuse as a way to traumatise me and this has had an impact on every sexual relationship I’ve had.

It sounds like you need coaching on how to manage your past trauma to ensure it doesn’t negatively effect your daughter and her future relationships.

@trulyunruly01 your so right, I'm sorry you've been here before also but I'm glad that I'm not the only one. It's a horrible worrying time I really didn't think it would have bothered me after I finally learned to deal with it and started loosing some of the memories it brought with it but now my DD has turned the age my SA started It has affected me. I'm no longer in contact with any of my previous therapists etc so would need to start the process all over again but I think I will make an app to speak to a doctor and hopefully we can start the ball rolling to have a few sessions.

@keylemon so sorry your friend went through it also. Its horrible when it's someone who is supposed to step up and be a parental figure.

i know how you feel, ever since my dd reached the age I was when men started to take an interest in me (4) I find that I am very protective and mistrusting. I do not leave her alone with any male who has hit puberty.

This is also why despite being a single parent since before my daughters first birthday there has never and will never be step parents

@LambriniBobinIsleworth you think the dealing with overcoming it when your younger is it, I definitely wasn't prepared to feel this way when my DD reached th3 age I was SA.

Firstly I’m so sorry for what happened to you.

I was raped and it definitely colours my protectiveness to my DD. She is still tiny but I’m strict on who can change her nappy. I’ve put in strong boundaries that relatives can’t demand hugs and kisses from her. I’m going to be clear with her that it’s her body and she decides who touches it.

I do wonder if some more counselling could be useful to help explore these feelings and how to mitigate them being passed on to our children?

@ittakes2 I don't let her see me glancing etc but one time I was so overwhelmed she had shorts on and was sitting with her knee bent and I mentioned that I could see her underwear when it was just me and her in the room, I don't know how to approach it she's a child she's innocent and obviously doesn't know any better. I feel like my head is just constantly in fight or flight mode to keep her safe.

@DsTTy sorry if I'm intruding but can you tell me how she traumatised you? I'm trying to tread so carefully with her

@SomePosters I'm so sorry this happened to you too. It is horrible.

Weirdly it was when my second DD reached the age when I was abused that I absolutely unraveled. I spoke out about the abuse at that time and I experienced that second wounding from my dysfunctional family that is so common for victims of abuse. Tragic.

I don’t think there is a magic wand to wave that makes this okay for victims of SA trauma. Sinead O’Connor called it ‘shit life syndrome’ or something like that - as in there isn’t a magic cure that makes it all go away.

I’m in a great place now at the moment, doing really well but I can and do have set backs. We are always just doing our best with it. I agree with the poster upthread who said dipping in and out of counselling at different stages and phases of life is a very positive thing to do. I have a therapist I use for that.

@DsTTy Im so sorry it was passed down to you too. My kids have suffered as a result of what happened in my family without a shadow of a doubt too. That for me is the absolute saddest part.

I wouldn't tell your OH, I would tell a therapist. The issue is your (perfectly reasonable given what happened to you) thoughts and reactions, and how you manage those reactions so that you don't inhibit your daughter or your husband in their relationship with each other, and in your daughter's case with men/boys when the time comes.

Talking to your husband isn't going to stop your thoughts or reassure you, but may make him uncomfortable around his daughter. Agree with a pp who pointed out you are being very hard on yourself for having these thoughts, and a therapist can help with that too.