Trigger warning ⚠️ SA. Can't shift the feeling

[ABCDE01234]

So long story short I was SA by "step dad" from ages 10 - 15 when I left home to escape it. I now have a 10 year old daughter and for some reason I am literally watching how men act around her, How she acts around men.

I have no reason to believe that any men around her would do such a thing DH and DDs uncles who are young and in their 20s but I cannot shift this feeling.

For example if DD has pyjamas on which are shorts and tshirt I am watching DH making sure he isn't looking etc if DD is playing like a normal child doing handstands while her uncles are in and her tshirt inches up slightly I'm watching them all to make sure they aren't looking.

Now I'm writing this out I sound absolutely insane I know DH and DDs uncles are not like that at all but my brain just won't stop.

Just looking for some advice really, has any one been in this situation is this part of trauma and I'm just being overly protective.

Any advice would be appreciated.

@GodspeedJune I'm so sorry! I am the same with DD DH stopped bathing her when she was big enough to come out of the baby bath and into the big bath, she has stayed with aunties in the past but she never stays out now she's always at home. I think more counselling is a step I'm willing to look into I don't want to make DD feel awkward and at 10 she's still to young to understand what happened to me so until she's of age I can explain to her my reasons for being over protective I need to try and manage my feelings a bit better.

I don't think there is anything amiss with being aware. You are subtle about it. I am sorry you had such a dreadful experience.

@ABCDE01234 Although she’d let me go off on my own with male relatives, afterwards she’d spend a lot of time asking if anyone had touched me. This went on for my whole childhood. Rather than growing up feeling secure as a sexual being these continuous ‘chats’ year after year after year conditioned me to believe that sexual touching was wrong. Due to negative feelings around sex that this created I’ve lost many a relationship and it’s impacting on my marriage.

@upwardsonwards I'm so glad your in a good place at the moment 💗 your right it is shit life syndrome one minute you feel like your doing OK and sort of over the hurdle and then something like this happens that you do not expect I mean I was obviously always protective because of what happened to me but now she's reached my SA age its spiralled. I think the PP is so right and I'm going to look into getting back in touch with a therapist.

@Speedweed this is the reason I've kept so quiet, I don't want DH to feel awkward around DD nor do I want DD to feel awkward around her dad as she absolutely idolises him. My own dad wasn't around until I reached 16 and my abuser was introduced to me at 5 so I didn't have that father/daughter bond and I would hate to meddle in-between them 2.

OP, I completely understand and I think you are being so switched on in noticing what you are doing and looking for support. I don't have children but I have felt very concerned/fearful for close friend's children when they were at a similar age to me when I experienced SA. That said one of the most healing experiences of my life was spending a morning playing with a friend's young grand daughter and getting in touch with that innocent, lost part of myself before my trust was betrayed.

I would suggest getting further support from a specialist - I really,, really resisted seeing myself as a CSA/incest survivor for a long time and thought I was being so smart by staying single and deciding not to have children so there was no risk that I would continue the cycle. But as previous posters have said CSA is very common and with hindsight I acted out in relationships at work and with friends. The shame is not yours to carry. It does not have to define your life. I would recommend working with Sadie Cissell - she does a 1:1 10 week course for adult CSA survivors and works remotely.

@DsTTy oh love I am so so sorry, no wonder you feel the way you do I can completely understand. I would never sit her down and grill her like that and as I said in a PP she doesn't stay out (I'm glad of that tbh). It must be horrible for you to still be dealing with that trauma.

"after I finally learnt to deal with it"
Kindly, you haven't and you won't. I'm 54 years on and what changes is the way in which you deal with it, and the ways that you allow it to affect your relationships with other people - with your family members who were around at the time but didn't see it, with your partner, with your dc who weren't around then but are still affected (which is where you are now), with your friends some of whom will have experienced it and some won't.
What you can deal with is allowing yourself to choose happy and not let it become a millstone around you and your family's neck, and hope that at some point your experience allows you some insight to help others.

@CabSauv52 I'm so sorry you've experienced this and the way it's altered your life. It's so unfair that we have to life our lifes constantly on edge, worrying, wondering because of pathetic people's actions.

I have never heard of her but I will look into it as I think going with a few PP councelling/therapy is the best way forward here.

I personally think it is better to be over vigilant.
I worked for the criminal justice system for years and it's shocking how naive some parents are when it comes to CSA, and their children pay an enormous price for that.
I would never introduce a step parent to my own children on the evidence I've seen.
I think your feelings are valid and normal considering what you've been through.
Trust is going to be a bit issue for you.

@trulyunruly01 you are so right, my choice of words could have been better. It's all a coping mechanism.

@DsTTy I’m so sorry you experienced that it is so so sad. It is an abuse in itself. I know for me personally the stuff my children experienced was loss of emotional connection while I was completely overwhelmed with trying to rescue any kind of relationship with any members of my extended family for my children’s benefit. That wasn’t possible so my children miss out. It is horrible for the children that this stuff passes on and on.

I saw other unspoken issues among other family members with their children that were a consequence of the environment around this abuse that was very sad too. We can’t solve it but by speaking about it our children as they get older can begin to understand that they are not and never were the problem.

@LetMeDream I have always been on edge since she was little but it just seems more severe now that she's reached the age I was. Its not something you would ever want to happen to your child but it is also something if I can prevent from happening then I will give it my all to prevent.

Your daughter will be tuned into you - kids are more observant than you realise its the phase of their life where they are tuned into adults as role models because they learn from us. I am sorry there is no way your daughter has not picked up on your anxiety - her instincts will be telling her that she needs to be cautious of the world. If you can learn tools to deal with your anxiety you can teach them to your daughter.

@ittakes2 this is true, I will seek some counselling/therapy sessions. I don't want to alter her childhood and be the cause for adult resentment. I just want to keep her safe.