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AIBU?

To ask why my DH never listens to me…

34 replies

Tabithasettles · 10/01/2024 12:43

Just that really. There are areas of life where I have more skill, experience or knowledge than him and vice versa.

If I share advice I’m nagging, micro managing and he always gets annoyed. He literally will argue against my advice - even when it’s bloody obvious I’m right.

If he shares advice he’s helping and if I don’t agree or don’t listen he gets angry about it. I’m arrogant and not listening. He shares A LOT of unsolicited advice. Really obvious stuff too.

Mainly needed to vent but also wondering if other people get this too? Any strategies? I sometimes just let him fail but this often then has knock on consequences for me.

One example is I’m much better than him at judging how long something will take. Recently we needed to be somewhere by a certain time. We needed to leave in the next five minutes. It was crucial to be there on time. He started to put the kettle on and make a sandwich. I said we haven’t got time to do that. Conversation then went;

DH ‘we have got time for a quick cup of tea’
me; ‘we really haven’t, we need to leave in five minutes maximum’
DH ‘It will be fine’
Me; ‘it’s x o’clock now and it takes x amount of time to get there’
DH - frustrated and cross ‘No, it will be fine, I’ve got time for a cup of tea, I’ve been at work all day.’ (He works less hours than me btw)
me; ‘it’s x o’clock now, we need to be there by x o’clock, it takes x amount of time and we need to find parking and walk to venue’
DH ‘It won’t take that long’
me: ‘I think it will and I don’t want to be late so I’m going now. You can take the other car and join me’

I put my shoes and coat on, grabbed the car key and headed out. He then quickly stopped making a cup of tea got his coat and came with me and we arrived JUST in time, exactly when I knew we would. No sorry. No ‘you were right’.

No LTB please. It may well
come to that (for many reasons) but for now I’m stuck with him.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

69 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
7%
You are NOT being unreasonable
93%
Aquamarine1029 · 10/01/2024 12:46

He's a misogynistic abuser who has zero respect for you. That's it.

I'd be aggressively making a plan to leave him if I were you.

AmandaHoldensLips · 10/01/2024 12:49

It's really frustrating.

You can't do anything about his behaviour. All you can do is change/manage the way you react to it.

Your tactic in your original post was exactly the right way to go - you decided to leave on your own time schedule in order not to be late.

If you live with someone who turns everything into a battle, all you can do is not engage.

So for example when he starts giving unsolicited advice, just go "uh huh, mm," and let it wash over you like water off a duck's back. Also look up "yellow rock technique" which is a way of not engaging without appearing rude.

Continue to let him fail. If it has (or is going to have) a knock-on negative effect on you, then either do that thing yourself without engaging with him, or make provision to protect yourself from the knock-on effect.

AmandaHoldensLips · 10/01/2024 12:51

And stop sharing advice with him. Let him get on with it while you go ahead and live your life.

Highlandflapped · 10/01/2024 12:53

He doesn’t listen because he doesn’t respect you or care about you enough.

I’ve been in this situation, it doesn’t improve. My ex husband spoke to me and treated me like this (and worse).

Does he speak to others in this way? I’m guessing it’s saved just for you. I hope I’m wrong.

SequentialAnalyst · 10/01/2024 12:53

I was stuck with my useless H for decades. It cost me my mental health.
Start thinking about how you will be able to escape.

Stop having the conversations with him. It won't get through. Some men think they are right just because they are men. No amount of explanation will get through if it's from a woman.

If you do get into such a conversation without meaning to, just politely end it. And don't be drawn back in. This is likely to mean letting him have the last word. It is OK to let them have the last word, though you may feel odd doing so.

Towelrail · 10/01/2024 12:55

My DH likes to be 'on time' which means late. I just lie about start times and change all the clock in the house. Yes it's gaslighting (time lighting?) But I cannot stand lateness.

pinkyredrose · 10/01/2024 12:55

There's so many arrogant males out there that think they know best. I blame patriarchy, it makes them think they're more important than they are

NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore · 10/01/2024 12:57

I would have left without him if it was delaying me.

Or if the appointment was for him I would have just said let me know when we're leaving and put the onus on him. If he's late he's late.

CucumberBagel · 10/01/2024 12:57

My DH (who has always had short hair) explaining to me (who has always had long hair) how to brush our daughter's (long hair) in the best way to carefully remove the tangles will always stand out to me as a personal highlight.

NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore · 10/01/2024 12:58

CucumberBagel · 10/01/2024 12:57

My DH (who has always had short hair) explaining to me (who has always had long hair) how to brush our daughter's (long hair) in the best way to carefully remove the tangles will always stand out to me as a personal highlight.

Grin
Littlebitpsycho · 10/01/2024 13:00

@Tabithasettles no real advice from me but my OH is exactly the same and it's rage-inducing.

Have some wine 🍷 and chocolate 🍫

MonsteraMama · 10/01/2024 13:07

Short answer? He has zero respect for you and views himself as significantly superior to you in every way.

Isheabastard · 10/01/2024 13:14

I used to joke that my STBXH had a hearing problem. I reckoned he couldn’t hear a certain pitch, and that pitch was exactly where my voice was.

I finally worked out my husband just wanted to do everything his own way, without reference to me, or take my advice or any advice.

It showed he didn’t respect me or value my opinion. He had a fragile ego so anything I said that was counter to his high opinion of himself caused problems.

He thought he was better/cleverer/than me so he often stopped listening. He hated being told what to do by others, but knew that he couldn’t be blatant about showing his lack of respect to family, friends and strangers. Me, he didn’t care.

He simply doesn’t see you as his equal. Unfortunately this bleeds into other parts of a relationship which you have hinted at.

My only suggestions are to follow up conversations by text/email. In case you get accused of not telling him something. Perhaps keep a journal, maybe this will clarify the sort of situations that will most likely cause trouble.

It’s annoying not being listened to but it can be soul-destroying when you cant get heard and eventually realise you no longer have a voice in this relationship.

BishopLenBrennan · 10/01/2024 13:21

Pardon…?

FreeAdamsApples · 10/01/2024 13:22

Death by a thousand cuts.

ButterflyOil · 10/01/2024 13:25

Well quite simply he doesn’t value your opinion, has a need to be right all the time and sees a conflicting opinion as a direct attack. Why would he say sorry or you were right - in his view he’s just ‘lost’ to someone inferior whose views are not as important as his are. Whether that’s down to your respective sexes or not who knows.

Isheabastard · 10/01/2024 13:27

@CucumberBagel Ive had similar. Although I was a STAHM and regularly was left to do 99% of all housework chores, he regularly told me how to load the dishwasher (even though he only loaded it about once every three weeks).

The most ridiculous was when he was cleaning the kitchen (we were living separately but together in the marital home by then). He stopped me to tell me about a really good way he had of cleaning down the kitchen counter.

Yep, his superior system was the use a damp cloth. That’s it and why he didn’t think I’d never worked this out after 30years of cleaning kitchen counters I don’t know.

But at least he didn’t tell me he knew more that me about long hair!

WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome · 10/01/2024 13:29

XH was like this. He used to accuse me of being controlling until I actually believed it.

Now I can see I never wanted to control him, I just wanted control over myself, which I was repeatedly denied.

You are doing the right thing, saying you will leave yourself and he can do whatever he wants. I got to the point where I didn’t want to go anywhere with XH unless we had two cars.

C8H10N4O2 · 10/01/2024 13:33

He doesn't respect you.

You have to decide if you want to spend the next X decades living with someone who doesn't respect or value you.

DaftFlerken · 10/01/2024 13:35

my DH occasionally tells me all about the really interesting he learnt/heard/had a good idea about while completely forgetting it was me that actually told him

DuchessOfSausage · 10/01/2024 13:37

FGS, @Tabithasettles , stop nagging will you. Wink

rainbowsparkle28 · 10/01/2024 13:39

Why doesn't he listen to you? Sorry to be blunt but because he doesn't want to. He doesn't respect you and is an arse.

LightSpeeds · 10/01/2024 13:42

He thinks you're inferior.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 10/01/2024 13:42

I hope you both eventually get to find someone who you can tolerate and love 🤣🤣

PurpleOrchid42 · 10/01/2024 13:47

FreeAdamsApples · 10/01/2024 13:22

Death by a thousand cuts.

This is so true. My husband is just like the OP's. And my marriage gets worse by the day. Death by a thousand cuts it most certainly is.

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