So jealous of pretty women

[bakerylady]

I've never been a jealous person, especially before getting married, i am 31 and I recently had my second baby and second c section and I have a c section shelf/overhang and it's really been getting me down. I'm a size 10-12 on bottom and a 12-14 on top. Now when I look at other women had flat tummy's I get really self conscious and jealous, its making me really depressed to go out in public and if my dh and I go out and I see a woman who I think is good looking I get quite sad, I posted this in the aibu category and I already know I am being unreasonable. It's starting to cause arguments between us as I get really upset and depressed thinking he would rather have a wife who is in great shape. I used to love jeans and couldn't wait to get back into them after giving birth but now I have an unsightly bulge at the front, I have been living in waist flattening leggings which I'm getting really fed up of. Is anyone else in the same position? Or am I just being a fool?

I meant with* not "had"

You're not being a fool and you're not alone- I felt a profound sense of alienation from my body after having kids and it really destabilised my self- esteem. I ended up going to quite extreme lengths and spending a load of money that would have been better spent on the kids trying to get my body back (eg emsculpt, coolsculpting etc, also a PT). It's hard because we kind of take our bodies for granted until we have a baby and all of a sudden there's a huge change- it's very difficult to come to terms with. Go easy on yourself- you won't always feel this way- once you can exercise again you can work on it and nobody is looking at you with the same critical eye you're looking at yourself.

I feel the same. I see women who’ve had twice as many kids as me and they have flat stomachs. Mine is fucked. It hangs like an apron and is covered in stretch marks. And my kids preferred the left breast so now that one’s bigger than the right. If this deformity had resulted from cancer the NHS would fix it, but because it was caused by breastfeeding I just have to live with two different size breasts. I will never look nice again no matter what I do.

And that isn’t even my biggest problem - I’ve developed some other health issues and the doctors have no idea wtf is wrong with me. I wish I could go back to just being deformed and healthy. This is my punishment for whinging about my body.

OP, I don't think there's a person alive who doesn't feel like this no matter how it seems. Even I sometimes do - and I'm absolutely incredible. I try to see self acceptance as a gift to my children, because I do have a good life and if I choose to enjoy it, a very happy life. I want them to see that love and happiness aren't dependent on how you look.

Of course, I don't always succeed in this mindset, but I do find it helps to refocus me at times.

I think you’re being a bit silly to be honest, although I understand you’re feeling insecure. I don’t yet have kids but I’ve always had a bit of a tummy due to my build, doesn’t make me unattractive and I’ve never struggled for male attention. Just wear more flattering clothes/underwear and highlight your best features so you feel confident. You can still be pretty without having a flat stomach!

Nobody cares how flat your stomach is. It’s not what makes you sexy or loveable. Small children have very cute feet but you wouldn’t want them man sized on your husband. You aren’t a woman without children. Your body will not look like you are. Soon there will be more changes as you move from young mother to older mother and on to older woman and your post menopause life. What you are experiencing is no different than a young woman missing her prepubescent body. Honestly it just is so much better as you age. I know it’s not what’s pumped into media and shouted loudly from all sides.

It's funny isn't it?

I had a (horrific) vaginal birth, no stretch marks, stomach is flat as a pancake and looks like nothing ever happened in there, and I'm so, so envious of women whose bodies show the journey they went on through pregnancy and birth. Perhaps because my birth was so horrendous, but I've always had a huge regret I didn't push for a c section given how awful birth was, and during pregnancy I used to hope and hope for stretch marks as I just think they're so beautiful and such a gorgeous reminder of the incredible thing your body is doing during pregnancy. I hate looking down at my abdominal area and it looking the same as when I was a teenager. I know it's a stereotypically 'desirable' thing, but I would just love to have a scar or a shelf or stretch marks or some saggy skin or anything that said 'MUM' instead of looking like nothing ever happened.

Bodies and people are weird. I bet you look incredible. I sure wish we could swap.

Your body is an instrument not an ornament. You have literally grown and created life, that’s amazing. When ever you find yourself talking negatively about your body, quickly remind yourself of a few great things it does for you.

Your legs allow you to walk and run around after your darling child which is a luxury not everybody has

Your eyes allow you to see this beautiful world and everything in it, again a luxury not everybody has.

Make small positive changes that are manageable to help you get on the path of feeling better about yourself. Set a goal to drink a pint of water when you wake up to start the day or aim to go on three 20 minute walks a week as and where you can fit them in. Start small and it’s less over whelming.

but most importantly remember that one day when you’re gone, your family and friends won’t be saying “it’s such a shame she’s gone, she was so slim and beautiful” etc. They will be remembering what an amazing kind person you were. Also, if you friends and loved ones bodies changed you wouldn’t decided you loved them less just because of how they looked so the same goes for how people feel about you. These “beautiful” women you see walking about could be miserable on the inside and looking at your happy family in envy!

I've teared up reading these replies, I feel so much better, thank you all so much.

That's the bit that is a bit hard to swallow isn't it? I have a friend who is expecting her 7th child and when she isn't pregnant she's a size 8 and no sign of ever have given birth.

So sorry to hear about your health issues, health is the one thing money can't buy and we all seem to take it for granted a lot of the time.

My wife has had six kids, not all of them mine but that's irrelevant. Her body tells the tale well! Obviously I don't have control over her own self-image, nor should I, but from my perspective I couldn't care less. The skin she's in does not define her and I love her for the person she is and the journey through life we've been on together. I wouldn't swap her for anyone.

You say you and your husband have argued over this but you don't say in what manner. Are you arguing because he is getting frustrated with your low self-esteem despite him reassuring you, or is he actually putting you down over your shape? Frankly, if he is so shallow that he would covet other women, to the detriment of his life partner and mother of his children, then he's not worth having in your life.

I had the same and felt the same (from c section) got liposuction and its the best thing I've EVER done (after having my kids lol) seriously recommend it.

I do think there is a huge difference between the insecurities we have pre and post children.

it’s the sudden change from our old physical normal on top of the identify shift to mother. It’s next level. And it’s all got an underlying level of guilt to it - because mothers are supposed to be happy + grateful + self accepting. there’s no way to win. it is really flipping hard.

Well bully for you, some of us cant afford to spunk our money on stuff like that.

I completely empathise. It's so hard when our bodies go through so much and then feel so alien to us.

If it makes you feel any better, with time you come to accept your flaws and you find the energy to work on yourself. After my first child and being in the worst shape of my life I finally took myself in hand 😂. To start with I lost weight and worked on my fitness for vanity reasons (I was getting married and wanted to like my wedding photos!). But actually it became a habit and I just felt so much better about everything - mental health included. The best part was that eventually I learned to like myself enough that I lost all the self consciousness and now I don't really give a shit what other people look like or what they might think about me. 💪 Just go one step at a time. Do what you can. Xxx

We argue because he tells me I'm being silly and am still as beautiful as before I had children and I don't believe him. I realise I am lucky to have someone who thinks so much of me and so is your wife.

I was actually considering it, I was leaning towards a tummy tuck but the scar is huge, how is the recovery after lipo?

Thank you for the advice, also, well done!

Beauty fades, dumb is forever 🤣 but seriously, you are more than the way you look.
Anything can happen to you physically which can zap your looks, zap your life and change it forever.

Make the best of yourself. Invest in some good undies - bra, pants, whatever! Keep as fit as you can and eat as well as you can.

I think your only noticing the fit ones who are probably constantly at the gym and on strict diets but not the numerous ladies like yourself and there are plenty.
Go easy on yourself you've created human life and a real woman isn't truly perfect.

And? Others can, and may find it relevant.

You are only 31, you still have plenty of collagen. If you want a different body you can get one. Do some at home workouts and gym if you can. Try intermittent fasting if your not BF too(one of the easiest methods when busy with children!)

In the meantime, try clothes for your body shape. I really like 1950s style dresses on top heavy people:
Those don’t sound like big clothes sizes anyway so it is probably more about perception!

Haha yeah I totally get you! I'm pregnant with my first, and hoping for some 'battle wounds' 🤣

Some people are too scared of things like surgery. Doesn’t always go well and I’d hate the recovery time, plus I’d rather buy a bag🤔🤣 or whatever.
There are still things you can do- walk, run, yoga, weights etc