DH sleeping in when he’s had a bad night’s sleep

[MinnieMountain]

I get it- DH has a bad night’s sleep, so he turns his alarm off and gets up after me and 10yo DS. We sleep separately.

AIBU to be annoyed that this leaves me as the default parent first thing? I never get the chance to lie in as I’m peri-menopausal.

You can eradicate the supervision by letting him forget things and experience inconvenience. That will gain you additional sleep time!

So you have to be up anyway?

I think you're just annoyed that he doesn't have to rush to work like you!

I know what you mean. I tend to wake up really early too, and then have to run around getting everyone else up every morning. I find it really annoying - especially when I have to tell them multiple times (including for my husband). Even though I am up anyway, it still annoys me that I am responsible for the rest of the household getting up.

@margotrose he works from home and generally starts at 7:30-8am. It’s being the default parent first thing that annoys me, but I’ve accepted that I am being unreasonable.

I would work on getting your 10yo to be more independent in the mornings - he'll be off to secondary next year so it's worth starting now.

By 10 surely he can largely get himself ready?
If he forgets things a couple of times he'll soon start remembering. Or write him a checklist?

He starts his wfh work at 7.30?! What time is this lie-in occurring?

I was thinking he’d get out of bed at 9.28 for a 9.30am Zoom (which is what I am also doing today)

If there is active parenting to do then he needs to do half of it, but I’d focus on training your 10 year old to get ready themselves.

I understand OP. Around here everyone is up and out in the mornings . DH does the school run mostly because of location. But if he's off or on a late, he sleeps in and I do the school regardless of work, whereas if I'm off or on a late start its assumed I'm still up and doing the regular morning stuff like finding lost gloves etc. Its default parenting left over from the baby days. We can choose to stop though!

so from OPs updates i understand that she does AM anyway because of dropping DS to school on the way to work. So I'm guessing this is a tired rant rather than a real request for change.

Are we going to assume though, OP, that your DH picks up post-school parenting?

Bloody hell, he starts work at 7:30 so he's not getting much of a lie in!

You have to be up to get ready for work and you take DS to school on the way so it's not an issue... DS is 10 and can get his own school stuff together. If making lunches is the issue, do that the night before so it can just be grabbed from the fridge.

What time do you need to get up to get yourself ready for work? Get up at that time. A 10yo can make sure they are up and dressed in time to leave with you for school.

How is he lying in if he starts at 7.30am?

Are you one of those "I'm up so everyone should be up" people?

Is the default parent thing a wider issue across the daytimes and weekends? Or just these weekday mornings?

I think it just means you should get to go to bed earlier, while he does any evening tidying/preparing for the next day.

Why sleep seperate ? Is the relationship over? Or just more comfortable that way ? It sounds like you're a bit resentful of his lay in.

If he has an 8am start, he's not sleeping late.

before he disappeared off for a long crap

Angry, much?!?!?!

it is literally in the OP folk: when DH has had a bad night's sleep he switches off the alarm and sleeps longer. That means if he has a good night's sleep he's up and doing what he does.

Which may or may not, of course, mean contributing to the things the DC need.

Sounds like if your up he has to be up and hes on the clock as soon as he goes to the toilet.

He seems to be living the dream.. or not. 😑

You need to make your ten year old and more independent such that they can get themselves ready for school without involving you. Unless they have SEN or something they can do it

Why does your 10 year old need so much parenting in the morning? Up, breakfast, wash, clothes, get stuff, leave house. You should encourage more independence from them if they can't manage the mornings.

Also, do you need to do the school run? Most kids round here independently travel to middle school.

I hear you OP.
I do all the mornings and always have done. DH is strategically incompetent/tired. I gave up arguing or expecting him to contribute years ago.
My DD is older but I still like to get up with her and make sure she has everything she needs before school.
If it's any consolation, she noticed a very long time ago that only one of her parents can be consistently relied on to support her in this way. She's perfectly able to get up by herself but it would feel really selfish of me to sleep in - plus the cats need feeding etc and it wouldn't be fair to expect her to do that too.
We enjoy breakfast together and have a chat and it's a nice start to the day. I think DH has missed out on the quality of this time.

DH finishes work at 6pm but he takes 90 minutes for lunch. He’s a contractor so there’s a balance of being very available but also being able to make time for himself during those hours. I work 3 days a week. DS goes to MIL’s after school those days as they both like it. Possibly this is resentment that on my work days I still become the default parent.

Hey ho. I’ve been told and won’t bother to post again.

Perhaps it's best not to ask if YABU if you can't handle being told you might BU

Hey ho. I’ve been told and won’t bother to post again

You seem to strop about daft things.

I'm sure we would be happy to support you generally, and this thread may make you look at the bugger picture. Your frustration with dh is manifesting itself in getting annoyed at something that's a non issue but it's coming from somewhere.