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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday get together with my family minus DH

32 replies

harveyluna789 · 09/01/2024 21:09

I have a big birthday coming up and would love to get together with family my parents siblings and nieces and nephews. My DD works at weekends and my son and nieces and nephew do lots of activities on saturdays and sundays so trying to find a date is a nightmare. I have found ONE date all year that most people can do (except my husband!) - and he is refusing to change his plans. He has suggested I go ahead without him but I would quite like him to be there. AIBU to expect him to change his plans or let him carry on with his plans regardless? I see my family a couple of times a year and very rarely altogether so this is something I would really really love to do. Although now I wish I hadn't even bothered as it has ending up causing so many problems. The more I think about it I see my DH daily but never my family. He does not mind missing out because he would rather do the other thing he has planned.

OP posts:
AGoingConcern · 09/01/2024 21:10

This depends heavily on what the other plans he has are.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 09/01/2024 21:10

It depends what his other plans are...

Starfish1021 · 09/01/2024 21:12

Agree what has he got planned?

PandaChopChop · 09/01/2024 21:14

Are his plans definitely not something that can be moved? I.e. is it bought and paid for gig tickets or something similar etc.

I think in those circumstances I would go ahead with your plans for your birthday OP but would feel sad that DH wasn't there with you.
If its something that can be moved then I think you have a bigger problem.

Original poster
harveyluna789 · 09/01/2024 21:15

Sorry I should have said. A football away game with his mate.

OP posts:
AGoingConcern · 09/01/2024 21:19

It depends on whether the away match he's planning to attend is a routine activity he does all the time/could move easily or something special.

If it's routine, I think it's reasonable to be hurt that he isn't willing to reschedule.

On the other hand, if it's special then I think you should consider that when selecting the date/time for dinner you've apparently prioritized everyone else's schedule in the family except for his.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2024 21:20

That’s a really crap excuse. He should want to be with you. As he doesn’t I don’t know if it’s worth trying to get him to join you though. He sucks.

Fiddlerdragon · 09/01/2024 21:20

So he’s already booked a weekend away you mean?

Fiddlerdragon · 09/01/2024 21:23

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2024 21:20

That’s a really crap excuse. He should want to be with you. As he doesn’t I don’t know if it’s worth trying to get him to join you though. He sucks.

It depends really. If this is something that has been pre booked and planned for ages and will lead to him letting his friend down, then it is quite understandable. You do have to ask why the op made sure her event suited literally everyone else in her family, apart from her husband

Needtogrowsproutsfordecember · 09/01/2024 21:24

Footy or dw?. And he chose footy...

Spirallingdownwards · 09/01/2024 21:25

As big a football fan I am and I generally try to explain the importance of certain matches to people on MN this is one occasion where I would say your DH is being totally unreasonable (as long as you are happy for him to take 2 hours out to watch it on tv/online).

mottytotty · 09/01/2024 21:26

harveyluna789 · 09/01/2024 21:15

Sorry I should have said. A football away game with his mate.

Please have the celebration without him.

Don’t ask him to reconsider again.

He’s a selfish twat.

User13579367337 · 09/01/2024 21:26

’’I have found ONE date all year that most people can do (except my husband!)’’

You picked a date that you knew suited everyone but him 🤷🏼‍♀️ are his plans easily cancelled? Will his friend mind going on his own?

DeeIee · 09/01/2024 22:07

Normal away game? FA Cup game?

Original poster
harveyluna789 · 09/01/2024 22:54

It is a normal away game but a team he specifically wanted to go to. Every other Saturday he goes to home games which I factored in but when he goes to away games as well means most Saturday's are out. It literally just leaves a handful of Saturdays and I would have been willing to wait until the football season ends but that is the summer when everyone is busy with holidays. You are right in the fact that I have worked around everyone elses dates in the family but I have rely on my siblings to bring my parents as they don't drive far now I would like to do it as close to my birthday as possible but there are home games either side of it. I honestly don't really mind doing it without him but i suppose from a slefish point of view I would have liked him to prioritise me over football.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 09/01/2024 23:03

Yes he should prioritise you in this instance. But I'd celebrate separately with him

DeeIee · 09/01/2024 23:04

He should prioritise you!

NewName24 · 09/01/2024 23:21

Needtogrowsproutsfordecember · 09/01/2024 21:24

Footy or dw?. And he chose footy...

Or, put another way

OP has chosen a day her dh can't make, due to already having plans, as opposed to one he could.

if it's special then I think you should consider that when selecting the date/time for dinner you've apparently prioritized everyone else's schedule in the family except for his.

This

You've said you are happy to do it some time around your birthday, yet can't do it the week either side when he has home matches. Presumably though, he would be home from a home match in time to go out with you (or be at the party, if it is at home) ?

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2024 23:27

autienotnaughty · 09/01/2024 23:03

Yes he should prioritise you in this instance. But I'd celebrate separately with him

I wouldn't bother.

He clearly could care less

SkaneTos · 09/01/2024 23:28

Happy Birthday, OP!

This big birthday -
Have a fun celebration with your family! Celebrate with your husband on another day.

Next big birthday -
Start planning the celebration way ahead, together with your husband.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2024 23:29

NewName24 · 09/01/2024 23:21

Or, put another way

OP has chosen a day her dh can't make, due to already having plans, as opposed to one he could.

if it's special then I think you should consider that when selecting the date/time for dinner you've apparently prioritized everyone else's schedule in the family except for his.

This

You've said you are happy to do it some time around your birthday, yet can't do it the week either side when he has home matches. Presumably though, he would be home from a home match in time to go out with you (or be at the party, if it is at home) ?

Show quote history

As there's not many days when he doesn't have plans he hasn't exactly made it easy, has he?

And he has all his other Saturdays to go to matches

(wonder when he fits his family in, in the usual run of weekends)

Original poster
harveyluna789 · 09/01/2024 23:29

Due to my parents age (which is prioritising them I know) it has to be a lunchtime and Saturday is the only day due to work commitments. My DD has just told me she cant make the planned day either due to other plans (fair enough as planned day is a month after my birthday) so I think I will just go with my parents and siblings and their families and do something separate with DH and my kids on my actual birthday.

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 09/01/2024 23:31

Thank you for the update, OP!
Sounds like a good and reasonable plan.

Happy Birthday!

mottytotty · 09/01/2024 23:31

NewName24 · 09/01/2024 23:21

Or, put another way

OP has chosen a day her dh can't make, due to already having plans, as opposed to one he could.

if it's special then I think you should consider that when selecting the date/time for dinner you've apparently prioritized everyone else's schedule in the family except for his.

This

You've said you are happy to do it some time around your birthday, yet can't do it the week either side when he has home matches. Presumably though, he would be home from a home match in time to go out with you (or be at the party, if it is at home) ?

Show quote history

Have you missed that he’s at football every weekend leaving only a handful days for OP work with?

itsmylife7 · 09/01/2024 23:32

Just do the big birthday with your family, that you don't see often.