Two year olds behaviour, aibu to worry

[Independenttwoyearold]

I've name changed for this as asked a few people in RL too. Just looking for some advice.

Dd is 25 months (not saying that to be pedantic, just to be clear she's only just turned two and isn't nearing three yet!). Her behaviour worries me and want to know if this is normal and how we should deal with it.

There are a few issues:

• she is demanding, asks for something and will shout and cry until I give in and give her it. For example a biscuit right before dinner. If I refuse, which I've tried to do, she will scream and become so upset, refuse to eat dinner and takes forever to calm down. This could happen for a number of things and I know toddlers have tantrums but it feels like a neverending battle to get her on side sometimes.
• is very independent. Used to love being read to, now demands to hold the book and flicks through the pages quickly before tossing it on the floor. If I try to read it or even hold it she screams and cries and then will start another tantrum. Reading isn't enjoyable anymore.
• wants to do everything herself, even if she can't. Dressing, shoes on, cutting veg for dinner. Everything! Sometimes I let her help, other times I just can't for various reasons and again, results in a tantrum. Can barely get anything done as it's just not worth the upset sometimes.
• sleeping is still rough! She falls asleep in her cot , had the same bedtime routine since birth. She always wakes though and asks to come beside us. Cannot get her to settle back in the cot. She is asleep by 7pm but isn't waking until around 8.30am and that seems so late! She's recently stopped daytime napping which is helping her go down at night but is this why she's sleeping so late? Feels like I'm missing half the day by the time we get out. If we let her nap she won't go down for 7pm and therefore is down later and still gets up later in the morning. How do we fix this?
• she is big on routine, if we go out one day and get a sandwich in one place next time she'll remember this and cry until we repeat the same routine next time. If I give her a snack/biscuit as a treat in the car on a long journey she screams next time because she has wants it again every journey .
• she demands who does what. Eg I help at dinner time and she'll then say 'dad do it' and will refuse to eat until DP takes over. This happens at bath time, dressing, even just putting on shoes. If dp is changing her she'll scream until I take over. It's like she is just running rings round us sometimes. Is this normal two year old stuff?! If we do persevere, she'll kick and scream until she gets her own way and the other takes over then she'll immediately calm down.

aibu to worry?
In general she seems really switched on, already forming short sentences, able to sing various nursery rhymes and constantly asking 'whats that called', 'whats that noise ' etc. she's sociable and in general quite happy around other children. Just looking for some reassurance as a ftm and more importantly, how do we deal with this behaviour? Can we even reason with a toddler?!

YABU, all normal totally unreasonable toddler behaviour

Thanks, been really doubting myself and worrying I'm doing something wrong!

My DS the same age and have older DD…this sounds super duper normal.

Doesn’t stop any of it from being super frustrating and painful!

Yep, I remember worrying when DD was the same age about virtually the same things. She’s now a confident, happy 4 year old with glowing school reports.

All sounds completely normal

I could've written this myself!!!!!

Sounds like the terrible twos right on cue Sorry!!

You can't really reason with them at this age. Pick your battles (one biscuit before dinner isn't the end of the world, even less if it's something you might have as a side dish like a breadstick, a cracker, or a piece of the almost-prepared dinner you can redirect to) and try to keep on top of physical needs - if she's hungry, tired, teething (does she have the two year molars yet?) or coming down with something she will probably be more unreasonable than when all these needs are met. Smaller, frequent meals are usually more successful than large spaced out ones. If you have started potty training you can add "needs toilet" to that list too.

How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen is a good book. Trying to see things from her perspective, letting her have a bit of control when it's appropriate (e.g. choosing between two clothing options, letting her do some things herself) and holding a boundary when you want to be clear about something are all good things to do.

For night time maybe it's a good time to move her into a bed? Then if she wakes in the night and wants to come in with you, you can be firm about her staying in her room - one of you can lie in her bed with her if she wants that, in order to set the boundary that she stays in her own room. Then once she's clear on that you can shift to sitting with her rather than lying with her, moving the chair further away and then giving her a kiss goodnight and leaving. It's been cold recently too - check if her bedroom is warm enough overnight.

All completely normal! You just described my 2 year old

All sounds normal. But I would work on how to say no to her and develop an emotional vocabulary. So I found saying yes tomorrow or yes later/if X and Y then distract is more effective than no not now. Otherwise you're not teaching her how to handle negative emotions in a constructive way. Phillipa Perry's work is very good for this.

She sounds very strong willed and determined but I don’t think there’s anything wrong - just that you have a smart cookie who knows what she wants.

I find toddlers get easier as they get older and have more independence. Right now she’s really learning what the limits are by testing them. Exhausting for you!

Keep maintaining consistent boundaries and she will come through it ♥️

pretty normal.

my only advice is to NOT give in to the tantrums. if she has a tantrum, let her cry and calm down and then offer the same dinner / book / toy / whatever was on offer before the tantrum. a 2 year old can get scared by her own tantrums which are a big overwhelming emotion that changes things in the world. If after the tantrum, nothing changes and the world is the same, that is better for the child learning to feel secure and tantrum less in future.

You could literally be describing my daughter! Honestly - especially the part about remembering doing something somewhere before. Only thing that (occasionally) works now she's a bit older is prepping - "i know last time we got a sandwich here but this time we won't be" before you get in there so the expectation is set. Feel like its all totally normal though"..

Yep two year olds are basically tyrants with very concerning personality traits that dilute over time.

It's hard work but everything you have said is typical and developmentally appropriate.

It also shows she is a bright little one and that should, (hopefully) mean her frustration will lesson quicker, 🤞

Sounds exactly like my 24m old!
I have to preface everything with the question 'X do it?' She will then say Ok and try for a bit and go mama do it.
And I mean everything. giving her that sense of control and choices.
If she has a cry or mini tantrum I hold my arms out and she'll either lye on the floor or come for a hug.

Sleeping wise I was always under the impression that they should have naps till about 3 and try and make sure their awake for about 6hrs before bedtime. So our bedtime is about half 8-9 😴

Always worth texting or calling your local HV duty line for some advice and any tips

If she won't do something e.g. I say X pick it up we end up having to say mama do it and pretend to race to it and she then picks it up. And lots of well done X, she then goes well done mama well done Dada 🤣

The things she can't do e.g. use sharp knives maybe stand her next to you with some cookie Cutters and playdoh, or some play food?

Sounds pretty normal to me.

I hope this comes across kindly (as intended) but please be careful with giving food in car seat (my SIL gave her little boy a treat and he started choking and she had to do an emergency stop- terrifying).

Yes one tip with tantrums that I heard that I think is very good (I am on my third two year old) is - if you're going to give in, give in straight away or very early on, don't let them get really far into the performance and THEN change your mind.

Also, never withhold anything that is a basic need in response to a tantrum - water, food (not counting sweets/junk food when you KNOW they aren't hungry, but something like bread or a banana), affection, safety - including a comfort toy/item.

Although honestly I don't think the majority of tantrums are deliberate or manipulative, I think they are a small person being overwhelmed with emotion. You can learn to see the difference between when they are losing it and they don't really know why vs when they are looking around going "Hmm... if I stamp my foot and cross my arms will that work???"

If they have got into that utterly melted down state and nothing is bringing them out of it then taking them somewhere else (change of scenery) usually helps and then offering the four basic things - some kind of sustaining food, water, a hug, some cue of safety (which might just be the hug!)

My daughter is 6 months older than yours and this all sounds very familiar! It's got a LOT easier to reason with her in the last few months. Definitely hold your ground through tantrums and they should lessen soon enough!

Now if only I could get her to sleep on her own or eat something that isn't plain pasta I'd be ready to have another 🥲

Do you have my child by any chance?

Mine was exactly the same at the same age, she got over it fairly quickly.

I think because we either held the boundary and continued to say no if we had initially or quickly learned what was worth giving in to and saying yes from the start. Saving the no for things that are more important limits the tantrums and saves your sanity, and they quickly learn you mean it.

Yes, my 2 year old is also very unreasonable! It sounds very normal.

My DS is also having a phase of sleeping for a very long time overnight (14 hours if he doesn’t have to get up for childminder). I’m enjoying it while it lasts 🙏

Op, you've just described my child at that age. Remember it being relentless at the time and driving me mad, however, said toddler is now a preschooler who is very independent and capable and I am very proud. Still extremely stubborn and demanding at times especially when tired, I have a feeling this will never go away.

All very normal I am trying to say 😆

Yes 100% normal

My daughter is almost 3 so older but does all of this and has done for a while

What I would say is boundaries are important, so if you say no stick to it don't keep giving in because next time she knows just ask more to get the biscuit. Boundaries are good for children they know where they stand and feel safe. Empathise and be there to emotionally regulate and support her but stand firm on what you've said.

Give her more control where you can, so offer her more choices and you'll find she's easier going on the stuff you have to do

Really recommend Sarah Ockwell Smith's books on parenting

She sounds just like my 15 year old!

In all honestly she sounds like a perfectly normal growing toddler

It all sounds normal.

It's fine to wake her up because you need her to be up. Parents who need to get their kids to childcare settings before work don't let their kids sleep as long as they want.

As for the biscuit, just don't have biscuits in the house anymore (or at least don't tell her where they're kept). Let her scream and not eat dinner. She'll only do it once or twice.

My DD is like this and it took me by suprise. DS was a very boring and calm child in comparison and I was not prepared for this little tornado. Good news is, she's aced potty training, is very bright and verbal and got better at managing her emotions now that she's nearly 3 so hope is there!

In the meantime - lots of options, everything has to have 2 choices. Preempty meltdowns - for us it was always hungry so rule #1 was to never let her get hangry. Lots of independence practice - have a look at Montessori approach and get her involved in cooking. You can prep the veg for dinner earlier in the day, make lunch together, bake something. Let her pack her own backpack for days out, choose her own outfits and snacks. HOWEVER do not give in. Some things are negotiable (hence the 2 choices), others aren't. You will have a lot of screaming for a while but it will settle down. Just calmly reaffirm: you want a biscuit. You can't have a biscuit because we're about to have dinner. You are frustrated. It's hard to not get what you want. You can have a biscuit after dinner. Etc on repeat. Good luck!

You just described my two year old! (26 months)