Selling a birthday gift

[Neodymium]

Need opinions.

We have an oculus quest. DS (almost 13) bought it just after his 11th birthday. For his 11th bday I can’t recall everything he got but I know he got a really good mountain bike. He had a bunch of friends over for a sleepover party and one of them brought his occulus. DS loved it and wanted to use his bday money to buy one. But he didn’t have enough. I paid for the other half. I don’t remember exactly how it was phrased but he says that I just bought it for him for his bday. I thought that I just paid half and so it’s half his and half family.

2 years on he barely plays it but DS14 likes playing it. DS12 wants to sell it as he wants to buy a computer instead. Note he has a laptop for school but wants a gaming PC. I have said he can’t sell it as DS14 likes playing it and I own half. He claims that I don’t own half and I just bought it for his bday, and therefore regardless of DS14 he has the right to sell it.

AIBU to say he can’t sell it?

Parents matching a child's money is a thing we do to help them learn. It doesn't mean you should claim squatting rights over and refuse to let him sell it. You could perhaps claim some of the proceeds though. I would go for a balance of letting him sell stuff and expecting some things to be handed down - there is space for both.

See if he will sell it to his brother perhaps, at mate's rates since you helped him out with buying it.

No he can't sell it. (Unless at a super cheap price to his brother eg £20)

Items often can passed on, usally from older to younger but at 12 and 14 could happen other way round. We don't sell to family.

DS14 got a peewee 50 motorbike for his 7th bday. When he outgrew it, it was passed down to DD10. (DS12 tried it and didn’t like it). It is understood now that the motorbike is DD.
How is the bike his? It was given to ds14. He tried it after and didn't like it. Then it went to DD10.

How can it be his bike when it was bought for his older bro and is used by his sister?

Simple solution:

He should be allowed to "sell it" to his brother.

If market value for 2nd hand oculus is £200... DS1 pays DS2 £100...

DS1 keeps his oculus
DS2 gets some cash to buy himself something he'll use.

It's not his though. Have people missed the fact that op contributed to it - not as a birthday present. It's half his.

I'd say you or your DS14 should give him half the resale value. He can't just claim he fully owns it because he wants the money.

It wasnt a gift in my eyes. Child had half of the money needed which they contributed to the purchase parent paid the rest. I wouldnt quibble over it if the occulus was not being used but as his brother enjoys it i would.

He sells it to DS14 (at half price since he only owns half) - other hand remains family.

I get what OP means, I'm not sure people have read her post correctly. I think she means:

Son got a decent mountain bike for birthday from his parents.
At his birthday party a friend took an oculus and son decided he would like one.
Son also got money for birthday but not enough to buy the oculus.
Mum said she would go halves so half is his and half is the families.

Is that right?

I'm not sure I'd have done this myself as would cause fighting between my kids ('it's half mine!') but I get what she means.

Solution would be to buy his share back, like buying him out of a house 😂.

I dont think any of these gifts should be given away or passed down without the owners permission. Yes it would be lovely of them to hand-me-down but maybe they want to sell the quests and bikes to purchase larger items. They are not yours to sell. However as you paid half for the quest (which seems very indulgent after you just gave him his birthday gifts) then i would buy him out. Give him half the value of it and then its yours to hand out to whomever you like. Just make sure you let them know its a loan and isnt theirs to keep/sell.

I feel like the ownership and selling of it are two, related, but separate issues.

It was 2 years ago, and regardless of how you feel you worded it, you paid half of the Oculus for him. It doesn't seem like it was "for the family" - otherwise if anything, it would have been unfair to expect him to pay towards it with his birthday money but not his siblings. I don't think you can retrospectively claim its "half-family". It's his, like the motorbike was his brothers - regardless of who paid for it.

With the motorbike, it has been given to a sibling - maybe its not all that valuable, or maybe it's value wasn't really considered. Assuming it is worth something - what would your position be on DD selling it? Will she have free reign on the profits, or will she have to share them with her brother as it was "his".

Here I think is where the issue is - he wants to sell something that ultimately was given to him but has been shared with the family - and the family still use. On one hand, I think ownership or otherwise, you can say "no, you can't just sell your stuff" but well that's tricky - its not like he's selling random items he needs to fund a fun thing - he's selling essentially an old toy.

I don't think you should get in the position of siblings paying siblings - or buying him out - He doesn't "owe" you anything but I think you can veto the sale of something / expect some slack in having to pay for something to be given back to you/the family.

Following this dilemma, perhaps avoid paying towards it (in case he decides to sell it on at a later date), but that doesn't mean you have to give it up for sale. Perhaps you and the rest of the family can find some unwanted items - phrased as "DS12 doesn't want his Oculus any more, but as we still want to keep it - perhaps we can find a few things that we can sell to make up the difference - and any extra profits can get some new games/other thing"

@EwwwwDavid yes that is right. It was after his birthday. I can’t recall exactly it may have even been because the only one available was the 128gig one which was more expensive. I also purchased the games for it.

spending on birthday gifts is not always equal either. Ds14 got the motorbike for his bday that year but I didn’t spent that amount on the other kids. Hence why I don’t think he can sell it and keep the money. Not to mention, in our wider family, when you outgrow something or don’t need something anymore, you pass it on. We don’t sell things to family. Hence why the motorbike passed to DD. And in answer to the question about what if she wanted to sell it, no, once she has outgrown it we would probably pass it on to one of her younger cousins to use.

my kids are also taught to share, especially with the family. Ds14 got an Xbox one year and the other kids use it. I am not going to purchase 3 Xbox’s.

Yabu it's his. Ridiculous.

Gifts shouldn’t come with conditions though, it’s not his fault you spend in an unfair manor and then expect to benefit from it yourself. A gift is a gift.

My view is that he shouldn't be allowed sell it, since you paid for half of it. I just think there are things you do and things you don't, and since the item is being used by a sibling, then that's it. It would be different if he paid for it entirely with his own money.

It's a pity he didn't ask for a gaming laptop doe Christmas - perhaps it could have been a joint Christmas/birthday gift and he could have added in money he got as gifts.

Buy it off son and give to other son as early bday present.

Your role modelling is actually very poor, you are really confusing boundaries and really not helping him to feel any sense of control over his own things.

You are raising a people pleaser who will put his own needs at the bottom of the pile.

I have said he can’t sell it as DS14 likes playing it and I own half.
You said that to your son? I had a mother like you, always reminded you she bought everything, and sold it when she decided you didn't need it anymore. I don't have a single thing left from my childhood.
It's his, let him sell it.

So every birthday or Christmas gift they receive is only partially owned by them, and it gets passed on to others, like some weird family toy library?

So technically every gift is for "the family" and not the individual. It's very communist. But we all know what happened to communism.....

I don't think she's raising a people pleaser. I think she's raising a young man who is going to be filled with resentment and confusion.

Who knows, when he is in his late teens or early twenties, he could even turn to shoplifting to get the games/trainers/items he's always wanted but never been able to keep.

Op the Ocultus I'd give him half the month - or more to the point get 14yo to give half the money.

I get what you mean about hand me downs who does get the money if its eventually sold?
Because quite often younger siblings don't get as much spent on them

I've heard of families who just give bikes as required for the oldest with the logic their bike is being passed down.

It does sound like it's his to sell really.
The new occulus is out now. What does a 2 year old one sell for second hand? £200? Family rates should get a discount. I'd let him open negotiations and let them barter it out, 'Apprentice' style. Maybe a payment plan could be arranged between the siblings. It'll be an education in the art of the deal, so there's value in that 😅

@penjil
Trust me OP is raising a people pleaser.
Someone who will put there needs below others.

I just want to know what an onuculus is ?

I think it's some sort of VR thing 😊