If I look at the core of every problem in my life - it's always on me

[pillowtv]

Everything comes down to me being just a bit shit.

Can you help me unpick this ?

• I'm overweight, because I'm lazy and can't eat right

• I am struggling at work, because I just want to chill and don't want to work

• I ship my kids to nursery, so I can chill a bit and pretend to work / work a bit

• I don't always cook great meals for them, because I'm lazy

• I don't play with them enough, because I'm lazy and a bit shit

• most of the time, I just want to chill and sleep, but I have to do lots of things every day and just feel so tired. Others do lots too, but it wipes me out

• I don't want to spend time with my husband, because I'm selfish and lazy and just think of myself

I just feel like in every aspect of life, I'm just a bit shit and lazy and lacking of organisation. It all comes down to that really.

I really can't see anything positive about myself and how I behave. Interpersonal relationships - I always find something horrible to think about people- everyone annoys me in some way. Usually I feel like they think they're better than me and this annoys me.

How do I get out of this rubbish cycle of just being shit ??

then sometimes I just think I won't fulfill my potential / get the most out of myself and life if I'm kind to myself.

Most of the things that cause us problems start off by being helpful but get out of control. The ability to be self critical is vital to us - it helps us get along with others and can be motivating. But when we do it too much or set unrealistic goals for ourselves, it becomes demotivating and draining. Look into CBT - how you think makes a massive difference to how you feel. You can usually self refer to your local IAPT/Talking Therapies service for this. And it may help you accept that your MS will make it harder for you to do things at times.

You are describing symptoms of fatigue related to MS. It would be beneficial to learn more about fatigue associated with MS and how to manage it more effectively (this is really hard!). Have you got a specialist nurse OP? Usually there is one attached to your neurologist. Or have you got any neurology appts due. I would ask if there are any fatigue management groups/programmes you can attend. I would also investigate psychological therapy for overcoming the psychological blocks to managing your condition and to examine how it has impacted on your self esteem and quality of life.

I went to one of those groups a few years ago and didn't really find it that helpful.

But I guess I could give it a try.

I find my MS team a bit unhelpful at times. It's hard to describe but I find them a bit dismissive of stuff like fatigue.

Maybe it's just my impression. I have lots of appointments with my neuro and nurse too. Usually on the phone.

TBH you sound depressed OP. You sound like you have no mental energy left (and maybe physical).

If you're genuinely lazy, you can change that if you want to by starting small and building up. But if its deeper than that you might want to consider getting some help.

Set yourself an achievable small daily and weekly target. As an example, swap a less healthy snack for a piece of fruit daily. Go for a walk to the park and play with the kids weekly.
Keep these new goals and then add a new ones each week to implement stepped change.
If you gain control of your weight so you are comfortable with it again and exercise more then this combined with a better diet will give you more energy and lust for life.
Can you involve others, kids, hubby, friends to do some things with you. Nothing like having an arranged meet up for a walk or playdate to get you out there even when you're not quite feeling in the mood to go out.

I think it's down to your ms but if we go with you could do more then firstly, how much does your husband do? He needs to help to organise meals and some family time because you have a lot to deal with.

How about you and your dh plan a week of easy meals?

Spend time with your kids doing other things than playing if you don't enjoy it. Go for walks and bike rides with them. Go swimming. Throw a ball in the garden if you have one or in the park. Go feed the ducks or find some farm animals. Do a 10 minute tickle or hug monster game and chase them around the house. They'll love it.
That way you get some exercise in too.

Watch films with them (put your phone away) and get the snacks out.

Similarly with your husband. Maybe start off with watching a show with him.
Is he around when dc are at nursery? Go off out for a bit just the two of you.

I think you also have a problem many of us have. Too much phone time.
You could try putting your phone in another room. Switch off all your notifications. If it's an emergency, you'll hear the phone ring.

Are you on SSRIs? They can have this effect

My first and most important tip would be 'be kind to yourself'. At the moment, you are not even slightly kind to yourself, you are berating yourself and using up more energy making yourself feel even shitter. This is not a productive use of energy!

If you have limited energy due to MS, having small children, being depressed, then everything will be harder, but lots is still doable. In fact, I bet you are doing a lot already, just not in the way you 'think' everyone else is. I can tell you for free that having post-viral fatigue absolutely did me in and having a shower in a day was a major life achievement. You have to work with your body and mind as they are, not constantly kick yourself for being yourself.

Start by being kind to yourself. Make a list every day of what you are achieving, even if it is just, got out of bed, got dressed, got kids dressed, got kids to school, and write every single thing down, you will start to see that given you have low energy and MS, you are doing a lot already. Now you can add to it- but only in a kind way that doesn't make you feel worse about yourself. Add one thing in just one day and then congratulate yourself for that.

This might sound a bit basic, but it worked for me, and it's better than internally shouting at yourself about how rubbish you are, which is a complete waste of time and doesn't make your life better anyway.

You really need to be kinder to yourself.
You have MS.
It's not "blaming everything on MS" to acknowledge that fact.
Everything is going to be much harder for you than it is for someone who doesn't have MS.

Can you get your bloods checked? I was also struggling last year and it turned out that I had a serious vitamin D deficiency. Since I went on high-strength vitamin D drops that has made a huge difference. There could be something else going on with you in addition to the MS.

I have a page-per-day diary and write three things to be done each day in it. If I know I have several tasks for the week then I divide them up among the different days and make sure I get them done (before going anywhere near my phone...). You could put things like "play boardgame with children" on it (or whatever you want to play. Actually write it down and plan it and do it.
You will feel a sense of achievement when you have done your three things and once you have done them you can chill.

Try to spend less time on your phone. That's what I am trying to do this year (says she sitting on sofa with phone writing on MN...). I'm really trying hard to reduce it. So when I have chill time I make sure I am doing anything but sitting on phone - reading, going for walk, watching something on netflix and doing a jigsaw or colouring instead of the bloody phone.

Please stop calling yourself lazy. You really aren't. You have a medical condition which is known to cause fatigue. I am sure you are doing absolutely loads of things - going to work, bringing up children, cooking, household tasks. No way are you lazy!!!

@pillowtv Your post really spoke to me because I also have a long term health condition (adrenal insufficiency) which causes fatigue and I also struggle with the things you struggle with. And, I also constantly feel like I might just be lazy and useless. The people in my life tell me to be kinder to myself too, but I can very much empathise that it is easier said than done. We both know deep down we are doing our best, but it doesn’t stop us feeling this way. Fatigue is a really difficult thing to live with because it’s different to just being tired for a few days and then going back to
normal. It’s the cumulative effect of day in, day out exhaustion for years. I was actually recently referred to see a psychologist by my endocrine team and have been booked on to do a mindfulness course to see if it can help me and I’m also taking an antidepressant now. Who knows if it will help but I got the the point where something needed to change - I’d encourage you to reach out and do the same. Most neurology departments will have links with a psychology department so this may be an option for you also. Sending best wishes

I think you are very negative towards yourself.

I think you need a space to think about why you feel like that.

Thanks for your thoughts and also your empathy.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in a similar position.

I think most people just think I'm lazy. No one ever says I should be kinder to myself. My husband says I'm a zombie.

He doesn't get it. It's tough with an invisible condition like fatigue, to get any sympathy.

Just before Christmas I went away for work for an entire week and it was super intense. Late night working, little sleep and lots of pressure.

Then as soon as I got back, my little one got really sick and I had sleepless nights and also nights in a and e.

We then hosted for Christmas and had visitors and it was exhausting. My kids are 1 and 3. Lots of cooking and cleaning and looking after everyone. I still felt like I sat down a lot and seemed lazy. Anyway, now I'm just exhausted after all that.

Then the last week of the holiday my oldest was really sick, so several sleepless nights too.

You sound like me, in which case you are probably a bit overwhelmed and depressed. I've also had health issues, some of which are left undiagnosed and I've gave up 😞

Lol at the Food Issues brigade honing in on your weight & diet! Trust me OP, they have bigger problems than you...

The first thing you need to do is stop being so hard on yourself!

Instead of listing all the ways you think you are lazy and shit, how about you list all the things you achieved despite your difficulties!

See the things you did do rather than the things you didn't.

Feel pleased with what you managed even though you're knackered and have ms.

I've got no end of shit wrong with me and I consider having a shower a win!

You've got a limited amount of energy so you need to choose what you're going to spend it on and the rest? Fuck it. It can wait.

A shower and putting on makeup is a massive win for me !

I have no knowledge on ms don't how this might be impacting you but it cannot be helping.

For everything else how about thinking about things differently?

What DOES motivate you and give you energy and enthusiasm? Your list of all the things you have to do is what is is and most are unavoidable BUT what about adding some stuff you do like and feel enthused about?

If you don't love cooking or playing with your kids that fine. Not everyone does and you are not a failure because you don't.

What about work? Sounds like you are in the wrong job since this isn't motivating you either. Cooking for and looking after your kids is not particularly optional but maybe work could change? into something that you actually care about and enjoy?

It's perfectly reasonable to expect things in your life that are rewarding and fun but sometimes you do have to do some work first to work out what they are then secondly to go find them.

Good luck

I can't always blame it all on my MS.

Although it says MS causes fatigue and even depression. But I'm not even kidding that no one will care of help me if I mention it ( doctors ). They know I get depressed and they know I lack energy.

I don't know about MS but Dad condition latest diet information and supplements and lifestyle changes form research that might help came from societies set up for those conditions rather than NHS.

It's sound like you are holding down a full on job with young kids and an unsympathetic partner - many would find all that a challenge with out a condition that cause depression and fatigue.

I think the work event should have had adjustments for your condition - did HR know this may be needed? Sick kids and nights in A&E drain most parents - did your DP pull his weight here - and family over Christmas - well did they pull their weight and why was this agreed to - can this be avoided in future - hosting drains many of us. All that not surprised you are currently struggling with fatigue - I think most people would be.

Other than that - break down tasks and lists - try and avoid time sucking activities like being on phone with no clear purpose - I believe you can get time locks - at least for some things.

You sound a bit like me. The one single thing that helps is restricting my phone use. “Chilling” using your phone is basically sitting down doing absolutely nothing. Once that’s tackled, chilling can be all sorts of things that are slightly less sedentary and slightly more productive.

You sound like me, who has inattentive adhd. These are very similar to my symptoms.
1000s of women in their 30s are realising they've spent their lives struggling with feeling miserable/lazy/overwhelmed/selfish etc, but it transpires many of us simply aren't wired the way society tells us we should be.

Also I'm not diagnosing you, I'm just explaining that my symptoms are similar and finding out why I felt this way does help me.

I've been thinking about whether I might have adhd a lot.

You sound very depressed- well done you for admitting it. And you CAN turn this round.
Deactivate mobile data - allow yourself a hour a day of screen time (work commitments apart).
Ditch ALL the junk food in your house
Schedule exercise into your diary. If it’s written dow you are more likely to do it. Get a friend on board if you can.
Look towards finding a more inspiring job - yours sounds boring.
Get the family ti support you with weight loss and healthy meal prep.

you can do this.

Thanks you're kind.

From Thursday I'm going to drop my kids at nursery and then go and work at the gym and get an hour of exercise in. I haven't been able to do it yet this week as I have a big meeting to prepare for tomorrow and I'm also in online meetings all day today and yesterday.

From Thursday I have a bit more space and I do find that when I exercise, I have more energy.

I could’ve written your post. This morning I’ve been prescribed anti depressants from my GP (just started a thread on it) he thinks im low level depressed/ anxiety (I definitely suffer with anxiety) I have zero motivation to do anything ever other than sit on my phone.

Everything and everyone irritates me, I struggle to find the energy to devote to my (deserving) husband and child. I’m going to try the anti D’s as I’ve got nothing to loose.

i religiously have to get out for a brisk hour/ hour and a half walk everyday though (typing this whilst stomping through the countryside on my lunch break) and it really does lift my mood immensely, if only for an hour or 2 after. Keeps me fit as well!

@pillowtv I haven't rtft, but your first post to me was all about fatigue. I was going to suggest a reframe: 'I don't have the energy for xxx'. It's true, and it removes the self-judgement. Then on my way to write this reply, I saw your post about having MS. Jeez, give yourself a break! Seriously, life's too short to spend your time hating yourself. If it's an ingrained habit, it will take time and persistence and maybe some kind of therapy to change your story about yourself, but it would be so worthwhile. I can't say it will improve your MS/fatigue but attacking yourself 'I'm so lazy etc' mirrors the autoimmune process happening in your nervous system. Best of luck.