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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toddler at a wake?

54 replies

Ticklemeharder · 08/01/2024 21:14

My grandmother has recently passed away and I will be attending her funeral in the next few weeks. DH is working away so will not be attending. The funeral is back in my home town (6 hours away) so I will have to take my two year old with me. One of my old friends has offered to take my DC for the funeral service and part of the wake but is working later that day which means my options are to a. Leave the wake early or b. Ask friend to drop toddler at the wake. My grandfather is happy for DC to go and my dad wants him there as he rarely gets chance to see him.

My worries are that no other children are going and I will be seen as an attention seeker from the other side of the family as they are all local and have made childcare arrangements. Other concern is obviously trying to make the toddler behave but it’s a big country house with huge gardens and a buffet so I feel confident (ish) at there being enough to keep him interested.

First funeral so I’m really unsure of the general etiquette so it’s more of a WWYD?

OP posts:
NitsGalore · 08/01/2024 21:15

I see no issue with this at all.

Easypeasycheesy · 08/01/2024 21:17

Why would it be seen as attention seeking?

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 08/01/2024 21:17

Your grandad and dad have said it's fine, they are the ones who matter not some random relatives who may or may not think you're attention seeking.

Sorry for your loss.

JinglePringle · 08/01/2024 21:18

We had lots of 5 and under at my uncles wake it was a nice distraction. No kids at the funeral though.

Dacadactyl · 08/01/2024 21:19

My child would be coming to both the funeral and the wake.

I don't believe in hiding death away from them and mine were able to behave themselves, so it'd have been no issue.

Let other people think what they want and do what you think is best for you and your child.

immchuckbass · 08/01/2024 21:19

I took my daughter (1 and a bit) at the time to my grandads wake as I was in the same situation re childcare.. everyone said how lovely it was and how it showed that whilst sad and bittersweet.. life does go full circle.

sorry for your loss x

Changingplace · 08/01/2024 21:19

I see no issue at all, and tbh after the service once I everyone starts to relax having a toddler about will be a nice distraction for people- plus your grandad & dad are fine with it so don’t worry about it.

Fionaville · 08/01/2024 21:19

I don't think it's an issue at. You are immediate family, as is your DC and your grandfather and dad have said it's OK. I certainly don't think anybody would say it is attention seeking!

IcouldbutIdontwantto · 08/01/2024 21:20

Your Grandfather and dad are presumably two of the people closest to your grandmother, so if they're happy, it's fine. Taking a toddler isn't attention seeking, it's just life!

Slightly different, but I took my DD to my grandads funeral while she was tiny - I spoke to my nan and aunts beforehand to check it was OK and they were horrified that I'd even considered it would be a problem.

MouseKeys · 08/01/2024 21:22

So sorry for your loss.
I took my then 4 year old to my grandmother's funeral and wake, his slightly older cousins were also there and our family and friends were quite happy to watch them play together quietly in the corner of the restaurant as the next generation of kids being present was a nice reminder of my grandmother's legacy. If your grandfather and father are happy to have him there, it sounds absolutely fine to take him, I hope it all goes as well as it can x

Scarlettpixie · 08/01/2024 21:23

Absolutely fine. My DS came to his Grannie’s wake at the same age. His dad picked him up from nursery after the funeral service. If your dad and grandad are happy, there is your answer.

Aparecium · 08/01/2024 21:28

I took my dc (then aged 20m, 3, 5) to the wake of a good friend's dad. With my friend's agreement, I attended the funeral itself, and dh joined with the children for the wake. My friend and his family were very happy to see them there. They did not find it attention-seeking, rather it eased the atmosphere and drew the talk to happier times such as the mourners' childhoods and their parents' childhoods.

My eldest understood that the old guy had died and we were remembering him with love. The other dc were, naturally, oblivious. They noticed 1 or 2 people who were sad and simply went up to them and offered comfort.

2Old2Tango · 08/01/2024 21:29

It's a bit different for the other side of the family though as they are local and will have more friends and family nearby to help out. You are being respectful by having a friend mind your toddler for the funeral itself, but I think it's fine for them to be at the wake. The mood tends to lift a bit at the wake and your toddler will be a nice distraction at a sad time. If you live that far away there will surely be some people who don't see your child often and would like to catch up?

Anyway, your Grandad and Dad have said it's ok, and their opinions are the only ones that really matter.

Condolences for the loss of your Grandma OP.

ColleenDonaghy · 08/01/2024 21:35

Absolutely fine, indeed I'd just bring him to the funeral but if you'd rather not deal with a 2yo in at a solemn occasion who could blame you!

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 08/01/2024 21:39

A young child at a wake of an older person tends to be a lovely thing, a welcome distraction, a reminder of the circle of life. Certainly how it's viewed in my family.

Hobbesmanc · 08/01/2024 21:44

Funerals are tricky but I think children should be welcome at the wake of an older person. It's often a rare occasion for extended family to meet up and celebrate a life lived as well as mourn a life gone. If it's too much for them then there's no need to prolong your time at the wake. Everyone understands

Oohoohpickme · 08/01/2024 21:54

I think children lift the mood a little and are nice to have there. Assuming that yours is reasonably well behaved for their age, gently kept under control by you and the immediate family members have approved I see no problem.

Sockmate123 · 08/01/2024 23:00

In this incidence absolutely fine but I remember my cousins funeral. She was 8 months old 😢 a couple arrived to wake with a child similar age. Over cup of tea they were chatting about everything she was doing milestones etc and there was my little cousin lying in her casket 💔💔 I thought it was incredibly insensitive, I don't know why one parent couldn't come to pay their respects and the other come later on.
Your situation is completely different, sorry for rambling there...
So sorry for your loss x

idontlikealdi · 08/01/2024 23:02

It's totally normal for children to be at funerals and wakes in my background.

Obviously if you have a screaming baby you take them to the crying space and can still listen.

GreyhpundGirl · 08/01/2024 23:22

My 2 year old went to my FiL funeral. And wake. She was the only child thee, it was no problem at all. Family (who live really far away) were happy to see her.

BalletBob · 08/01/2024 23:38

Sockmate123 · 08/01/2024 23:00

In this incidence absolutely fine but I remember my cousins funeral. She was 8 months old 😢 a couple arrived to wake with a child similar age. Over cup of tea they were chatting about everything she was doing milestones etc and there was my little cousin lying in her casket 💔💔 I thought it was incredibly insensitive, I don't know why one parent couldn't come to pay their respects and the other come later on.
Your situation is completely different, sorry for rambling there...
So sorry for your loss x

That's horrific 😱 I don't know what goes through some people's minds when they do things like this.

OP, it's totally fine to take your toddler. Take something quiet for them to play with and plenty of snacks, but in my experience by the time you get to the wake people are glad of a bit of light relief anyway and the mood shifts from very somber to something a bit lighter. Catching up with people you've not seen for ages, sharing stories etc. If your grandad and dad are OK with it, nothing else matters.

DrBalenciaga · 08/01/2024 23:41

Changingplace · 08/01/2024 21:19

I see no issue at all, and tbh after the service once I everyone starts to relax having a toddler about will be a nice distraction for people- plus your grandad & dad are fine with it so don’t worry about it.

I agree that a wake is more relaxed, and the grandfather has agreed so nothing else matters, but the idea that a toddler is a welcome distraction from the person that has died is anathema to me. Have a toddler there, yes, but keep them under control. They aren't there for entertainment purposes and I don't think anyone really wants to hear them at that time, however close they are. Sorry.

caringcarer · 08/01/2024 23:41

Providing your DC can behave well there is no problem. You can take her outside if it's not raining. Very different if your DC is really badly behaved and likely to have a meltdown.

NewName24 · 08/01/2024 23:58

I see no issue with this either.

I don't believe (as so many on MN seem to) that it is appropriate to take babies / toddlers / small children to funeral services, but I think it is rather lovely afterwards, when people relax a little more and start sharing their happy memories of the deceased, and start 'mingling' more, to have the next generation of grandchildren - or in your case Great Grandchildren there to spend time with the family.

saraclara · 09/01/2024 00:00

Both my little ones were at my father's wake. And my 2 year old granddaughter was at my MIL's.

I genuinely can't see the issue here.

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