Toddler at a wake?

[Ticklemeharder]

My grandmother has recently passed away and I will be attending her funeral in the next few weeks. DH is working away so will not be attending. The funeral is back in my home town (6 hours away) so I will have to take my two year old with me. One of my old friends has offered to take my DC for the funeral service and part of the wake but is working later that day which means my options are to a. Leave the wake early or b. Ask friend to drop toddler at the wake. My grandfather is happy for DC to go and my dad wants him there as he rarely gets chance to see him.

My worries are that no other children are going and I will be seen as an attention seeker from the other side of the family as they are all local and have made childcare arrangements. Other concern is obviously trying to make the toddler behave but it’s a big country house with huge gardens and a buffet so I feel confident (ish) at there being enough to keep him interested.

First funeral so I’m really unsure of the general etiquette so it’s more of a WWYD?

I took my toddler to my Grandmas funeral. It was a nice distraction, especially when he announced loudly during the service he needed a poo! Luckily I had DH with me so he took him.

My kids attended multiple wakes and funerals when they were small.

Goes without saying that had they not been able to stay quiet in church, they would have been swiftly removed! I always had a bag of tricks with me for distraction.

And so sorry for your loss OP.

I would take him to the whole lot - it is important to normalise death and dying for children.

Definitely bring your 2yo to the wake. With every death there is new life. Your DGM may have died but the next generation is there. I think it's lovely to have children at a wake.

I took DS (then about 1.5) to the equivalent of a wake for my Grandmother's funeral. He made my Grandad smile - not much made him smile on that day.

It was a nice distraction, especially when he announced loudly during the service he needed a poo!

Jesus.

I took my 15mo child to my grandfather's funeral. I left the older ones behind because they were an age where they'd understand and be upset, but I needed to take the youngest, having used our babysitting cards to care for siblings. And to be honest, I'm utterly terrible at funerals and fall to pieces. Hiding behind baby was my coping strategy. My husband would have made a sharp exit with them if we'd needed to - but was easily entertained and all was well.

My mother was horrified and thought it inappropriate at first (not her family) - but even she admitted very early on in the day that actually, not only was it fine, but it actually helped. And certainly helped my grandmother a lot. In our case it was the right move and helped several people, including me.

People will be delighted to see your toddler. A young child at funeral brings hope

As well as children not being there for entertainment purposes, funerals/wakes aren't for teaching purposes. They are for honouring a person who has passed away, not for teaching children about death.

If I went to a funeral, dd came too. I had no one to leave her with, I’m from Irish stock so funerals are normalised and, anyway, everyone would have asked where she was.
And I have been to a funeral where it was obvious the date was set to allow the latest baby to be born - it was so tiny.

No one should be left out (fractious families aside). I don’t understand the English sometimes.

My grandfather is happy for DC to go and my dad wants him there as he rarely gets chance to see him.

This.

I assume this is the widower, he want to see your son, nothing else matters.

Sorry for your loss.

I took a 8 month old baby to my dad's wake. No big deal.

@DrBalenciaga yes you're correct, I didn't say anything about "teaching" so don't be words into my mouth. As far as I'm concerned, children feel sad when someone/something has died and should see that's a perfectly normal part of grief and that it's okay for everyone to be sad. This is backed up by many many experts and palliative care Drs. In Irish culture for example where open coffins are more "normal" the children aren't hidden away, it is just part of the circle of life for them.

Exactly this. I think children should be involved if possible as helps prepare them for later life and normalising death and dying in society is important.

@Aparecium how lovely that your children comforted people on this sad day.

My grandfather is happy for DC to go and my dad wants him there as he rarely gets chance to see him

Your dad and your grandfather are the only people whose opinions matter here.

A wake isn't like the funeral service itself. It's a social event. Yes, there will be sadness but I suspect people will also be laughing and smiling too. I think I'd be quite cheered up to see a toddler at a wake, to be honest. There's nothing attention-seeking about it at all.

My daughter was at my uncle´s wake at 3.5 years old and at my aunt´s at 5 years old. I don´t see the issue.

To be fair, if that had happened at any of my grandparents' funerals, the whole family would have found it hilarious.

I've been the mum with only child who was of toddler age at a wake. Kept him busy with food then left after a reasonable time. Was dh side of family though so more acceptable

The wake always seem to centre around happy memories of the deceased and having a catch up with family/friends - I really don't see any problem with your little one being around. You've got the blessing of your grandfather and Dad, and they're the most important ones in this.

Agreed but children also need to learn to honour people and how to behave at funerals just like they need to learn so many other social niceties. The restaurant isn't there to teach children how to eat out, but it's where they learn. Likewise regular church services, hospital appointments, birthday parties etc etc etc. Children learn about life by experiencing it.

I'm Irish though, it would be unheard of for someone to be old enough to have a 2yo and be going to their first funeral here.

I think it sounds lovely to bring him along to part or all of the wake.

It never occurred to either of us to exclude then-toddler DS from the funeral & wake of his great-grandmother.

The event began with everyone gathering at the house where her body was laid out. Seeing him gently hold her pinkie finger and begin to understand what death really means was an important moment, and it was touching when a couple of the stoic uncles let themselves weep at the sight.

It was DHs grandmother so my role was to whisk DS away if he became disruptive but his presence at the wake was very welcomed by all. It helped that his great-grandmother adored him, and vice versa, and it helps that he's a naturally quiet relaxed person, but to lighten a mood there's really nothing sweeter than a little one in a room.

You could say that about literally anything. Ordinary events and most other day-to-day life "stuff" isn't specifically there to teach children. But participating in life is how children naturally learn and that's a valid and positive thing. Recognising that children learn about death and family/cultural customs by attending funerals and that this is (depending on your personal views) a positive thing, doesn't mean that you think the purpose of the funeral is purely to teach children these things. What a strange take.

I went to a funeral of a 21 year old. Awful. At the wake her sister’s 2 year old came and put a smile on peoples faces. It was lovely. Bring your toddler to the wake (but obviously be sensitive - if he’s making a racket/nuisance of himself then leave)

For my dads, we had no kids at the actual service, but had 2 toddlers at the wake.
We liked having them there. There's something about the circle of life to be said for seeing tiny kids at a wake, and they gave some nice focus to the conversations at times. Especially as my dad loved little kids.