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Backchat - normal?

39 replies

Bringonspring24 · 08/01/2024 19:57

How much backchat is normal from your 8 year olds?

My DS is relentless, it’s several times a day. I don’t think it’s right.

AIBU = it’s normal, 8 year olds are full of cheek and attitude

AIBNU = my 8 year old wouldn’t dare speak to me like that

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

90 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
Hankunamatata · 08/01/2024 19:59

Depends on the child.
Iv got one who is a cheeky wee toad. Everytime he does backchat/blatantly rude he loses 10mins gaming time. If it isn't rude but a bit cheeky I try to have a convo with him about how is he speaking to people

PeopleAreWeird · 08/01/2024 20:00

Mumsnet - No child back chats 😂

Real life - About 50% of children i reckon 😂

TeaKitten · 08/01/2024 20:02

My 9 year old never does and never has, my 6 year old is probably going to be totally different though. Just depends on the child really. How do you handle the back chat?

liveforsummer · 08/01/2024 20:04

I have 2. At 8 dd1 wouldn't have dared. By 12 she'd started to learn her backchat from dd2 who started around 6 🙄

Bringonspring24 · 08/01/2024 20:08

I tell him off. Every single time. Tell him it is not how we speak to people. Sometimes “the look” will suffice. He apologises. But it doesn’t stop.

Sometimes it’s a wind up eg repeating back. Sometimes it’s bloody rude.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 08/01/2024 20:10

Why is he doing it? For a laugh or because he feels genuinely aggrieved about something?

Bringonspring24 · 08/01/2024 20:12

I wish I knew the answer! Sometimes because he doesn’t want to do something for sure.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 08/01/2024 20:14

If it's that, giving a chance for him to really be heard, empathised with and listened to might (!) help. He has to do the thing, but you hear his pain and you care. It might be an unbreakable habit by now though!

MolkosTeenageAngst · 08/01/2024 20:16

What do you class as backchat? Can you give some examples - hard to say if it’s normal or not without knowing what you mean by backchat. Of course sometimes kids are going to speak back and not just do everything you say, but there’s a difference between initially saying ‘No, I don’t want to, it’s boring’ when you ask them to clean their room vs saying, ‘Fuck off mum, you can’t make me, you do it.’

Bringonspring24 · 08/01/2024 20:16

For sure, thanks @MrsTerryPratchett , I definitely do that. For example “I know you’re enjoying your Lego, it’s hard to stop, you still need to shower” etc etc. The rudeness might carry on for a bit then.

What I find the most frustrating is the back chat just because. The repeating back what I’m saying, or sometimes responding with actual words that are fine (eg “ok” when I ask him to do something) but the tone is rude and cheeky.

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Bringonspring24 · 08/01/2024 20:19

@MolkosTeenageAngst no swearing at me yet thank goodness.

Of course, sorry I should’ve given some examples. See my post above - sometimes it’s the tone rather than the words. A lot of the time it’s being sarcastic almost, repeating back what I’m saying, or saying whatever his response is in a voice full of attitude, a disrespectful tone.

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Mrgrinch · 08/01/2024 20:27

I wouldn't put up with any back chat. It'll only escalate and by the time he's a teenager he will be vile.

I really dislike cheeky children and it's even worse when the parents think it's cute or funny.

Kettlebellend · 08/01/2024 20:33

I think they all go through a phase where they test what they can get away with! But my second dc definitely tries to push it more than my first.
i would carry on as you’re doing though pull up on the rude stuff, it’s probably better that he’s acting that way in front of you so you can teach and model the nicer way to respond

Bringonspring24 · 08/01/2024 20:37

@Mrgrinch i don’t think it’s funny. Define “put up with”?

@Kettlebellend he’s always been a huge boundary pusher.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 08/01/2024 20:45

Repeating I just ignore and walk away. Even though it is one of the most irritating things in the world. I suppose that's why every generation has done it.

Tone is tricky. I can't stand whining so I used to say, "sorry DD I can't understand a word, I don't speak Whine" and look puzzled. She'd laugh and stop. Cheeky tone is sometimes just communicating annoyance or sadness and it can work to 'notice' it, "I get you're annoyed, I don't like doing X either". Or whatever.

But you sound like you're doing everything right. Maybe it's just a phase...

Bringonspring24 · 08/01/2024 20:49

Thanks @MrsTerryPratchett , I have wondered about ignoring some of it. But feel then it’s “putting up with it”. Ugh.

I hope it’s a phase but I’m not sure…DS lulled us into a false sense of security by being the easiest 0-3 year old ever, and it’s been challenging ever since!

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MrsTerryPratchett · 08/01/2024 20:53

And my DD was hell on earth for the first 3 years and is awesome now. Maybe they were swapped at 3! I developed all these skills I now don't need.

Muffinwoman1 · 08/01/2024 20:59

I have 3 DC. Dc1 is autistic but has never really been a problem with backchat. Ds2 (adhd) however loved arguing his case and justifying EVERYTHING from the age of 3 as soon as he could string a sentence together. I didn't realise at the time but I made it worse by getting into arguments with him. I feel at times it's not deliberate as he has a strong sense of justice but no excuse for the tone used. He's still the same now at the age of 11 but I refuse to engage and there will be a consequence if any rudeness involved.

Lonelycrab · 08/01/2024 21:05

Yes, my (autistic) ds11 and he’s full of it. I show him Kevin and Perry videos to show him what he’s like. I think it’s normal, you just have to pull them up on it, simple as it sounds.

Bringonspring24 · 08/01/2024 21:09

That’s interesting @Muffinwoman1 . I wonder about ADHD for DS. Do you tend to ignore then, when you say you don’t engage? It’s hard to define the boundary of rudeness isn’t it.

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Muffinwoman1 · 08/01/2024 21:18

@Bringonspring24 it depends on the situation and if I feel he's overwhelmed/dysregulated by a situation or understimulated/bored and needs to burn off some energy. It's taken some time but we've figured out the main triggers which has helped minimise the backchat. However if it's just plain rudeness he gets a telling off and no ipad etc until he's apologised. Shouting and strong consequences don't really work with my DC and makes the behaviour worse so we try and ignore the lesser naughty behaviour/backchat and save them for when it's really bad.

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 08/01/2024 21:20

My 6 yr old is like this. 8 yr old is never a problem.

Firm and consistant, with consequences/rewards . It does work but Jesus its exhausting.

Bringonspring24 · 08/01/2024 21:39

Gosh sounds identical to my DS @Muffinwoman1 .

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teaandtoastwithmarmite · 08/01/2024 22:26

My 10 year old does sometimes. I think it reached its point around 9 and I had to have a proper chat with her about it. Now if it happens she tends to realise and apologise quite quickly

Muffinwoman1 · 08/01/2024 22:40

It's so hard isn't it! Has your DS been assessed for ADHD or something you feel needs pursuing? For us DC's diagnosis was a game changer as it helped us realise a lot of what we considered silly behaviour wasn't deliberate or out of choice so we had more conpassion and patience, and slowly learnt new strategies that work exclusively for him. He's very dysregulated after school as is older DC and that is a tricky time for us as they have very different needs. After sitting all day he needs exercise and insists on playing with his football (previously permitted in the house until we realised it helps him regulate. He knows not to kick it hard or break anything so happy to compromise). His love language is touch so lots of cuddles, lots of praise, ensuring his emotional and physical needs are met have all made life so much easier.

I remember when he was younger and couldn't understand why he was so defiant and I questioned why normal discipline didn't work for him. I did all these courses like Triple P but nothing helped and consequences caused more tantrums and backchat!

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