Would you feel like you can give family a time to leave?

[Daisypod]

This happened at Christmas but it's been festering ever since.
We used to do alternate Christmas's with dh parents coming one year and mine the next but covid messed all that up and even though it was my parents turn I got guilt tripped into having everyone the first Christmas we could all get together. Then last year dh invited his parents before we had spoken about it so again we had all parents plus my brother. So this year again feeling guilty as dh is an only child we invited all parents and my sibling to Christmas dinner.
We always go to dh parents in the morning for presents etc then they come to ours for Christmas dinner and my parents come just before dinner. We then do presents after with my parents.
It's always a bit awkward as the two sides have very different political views, very left wing and very right! Everyone stays polite and doesn't mention politics but it always feels like people are walking on egg shells.
As dh parents get time with him and the kids in the morning I asked if he could suggest to his mum they leave before my family after dinner so we can have some time with just my side of the family but he wouldn't as he said he can't tell his mum when to leave.
My step dad has a limit on how much he can be with people so often they end up leaving earlier than dhs parents.
So was I terribly rude in asking dh to do this? I just wanted some time on Christmas Day with my mum without worrying about arguments happening.

It would be a bit off booting people out. Why walking on egg shells though? There are so many things to talk about other than who you vote for.

It's not just who you vote for though, FIL is a proper Alf garnett type and has an opinion on everything

This needs a proper discussion now about next year.

I don't think you should expect DH not to have his parents round, given he's an only child, but I do think he should give some leeway too.

I think it's OK to say to DH that you want his parents to leave earlier, say 1.5 hours or 2 hours after dinner.

Unless of course you all live within 2 mins of each other...in which case I think YABU.

Asking People to leave during Christmas Day is quite awkward. Can you have ‘alone time’ with your family on Christmas Eve/ Boxing Day instead? And visa versa the next year if the exact day is important to anyone.

Just to clarify it wouldn't have been asking them actually on Christmas Day but a week or so before when finalising arrangements

No, you can't invite people to come for Christmas dinner but tell them they have to leave within 2 or 3 hours of getting there.

You need to return to turn taking.
Next year stay at your in-laws for Christmas dinner, and invite your parents over on Boxing Day.
The year after Go to your parents on Christmas day and invite the in-laws to you on Boxing Day.

Why do you always go to his parents in the morning? Isn't that a faff when you're cooking?

You need to have a conversation with your husband about Xmas early enough. He cannot just make plans by himself and then you have to accommodate them every time. You have a conversation together and decide together.

It's the parents that come to us for dinner, none of them want to cook for so many anymore ( there are 7 of us before you add in guests). We could revert to every other year but I know I'd just get guilt tripped every year about his parents being on their own at Christmas.
We go to theirs in the morning as it's just what we've always done and it is quite nice, I've usually got the cooking under control by then. I just feel as we spend a few hours at theirs then they come here for a few hours it would be nice to have an hour with my mum.

It would definitely be rude! And this is coming from someone who would love to issue guests with a kick-out time if I could 😂

I think you need to go back to the turn-taking, otherwise you will have DH's parents every year until the end of time! Or just do Christmas with your parents on Boxing day maybe?

But why should my mum be relegated to Boxing Day?

Of course you can't ask his parents to leave while your parents are welcome to stay.
I know you aren't keen but come on.

So next year you go to your parents in the morning and dh does his, then everyone meets up for lunch etc

but why not tell your husband what you wrote in your post at 18:35. That he gets time with his parents and you want time with yours, so either he agrees to split in the morning or yo8 go back to turn about and it’s your parents December 2024

Fair enough, it's too rude.
My point was though that we would have spent about 6 hours with them but only 2 with my side. Next year we will just not see them at all because it always seems to be my side that has to miss out but I bet I get grief about that.

@Tinkerbyebye but which would the kids go to? As both sets of grandparents want to see them

You will get time with dh family after dinner so i would stop the morning visit and have your parents come earlier.

Well or vice versa?

Personally I'm not too bothered about who we see on which day, as long as we spend time with everyone we want to.

If you have see both sides of the family on Christmas day, then it's hard not to have a crossover.

I don't think you can ask them to leave earlier than other guests (although I understand why you want to - I would!)

How about your husband goes to his parents on Christmas morning and your mum comes round to yours?

I absolutely hate all the guilt tripping about one fucking day. I would return to taking it in turns and if DH doesn't like it he's welcome to go to his parents by himself but me and the kids would be staying at home.

We have always spent Christmas Eve with in-laws and Boxing Day with my parents. Christmas Day was exclusively us. So effectively pissed them all off. But I wasn't dragging my kids from pillar to post to suit other folk.

They are all deceased now and our kids are all single but still come to us. When the day comes that they have partners to consider I will not be guilt tripping them to spend the day with us.

I would alternate which grandparents you go to on Christmas morning so you spend more time with one set of parents each year, then do dinner a bit later on Christmas Day to limit the time all the parents are together!

You can't tell them when to leave but you can tell them when to arrive. Stop the morning visit, ask your parents to come around 10, DH parents to come around 12 -1. Then serve dinner. You get time before with your parents, time after when yours have gone with DHs.

I think you need to insist on going back to alternate years.

We could revert to every other year but I know I'd just get guilt tripped every year about his parents being on their own at Christmas.

But that is down to his Dad being so difficult.
Have this conversation with your dh.
Remind him that you have tried to invite everyone, but that his Dad is unable to keep his strong opinions about everything to himself and you feel it ruins the day.
You are offering a compromise of spending alternate Christmas days with them, even though you find his outspoken opinions offensive, and that is as far as you need to move away from what you would really enjoy, in the spirit of 'fairness' and not leaving them out. Your dh now also need to move (as that is how compromise works) to accepting that on alternate years they won't be invited (Though he can still take the dc over in the morning to see them, if they choose to stay at home those years.).

How far away do these people live from you?

Would it work to see DHs parents, leave them a little earlier than usual, make sure your mum is at yours as soon as you are back, and then give DHs parents an arrival time. Eg "it'll be nice to see you in the morning, we're eating at 2pm so come over any time after 1.30pm?"

Then your mum gets her own time too.