Stop me losing my mind at 9yo wanting to live with dad

[ExHsPedestal]

ExH sees DD aged 9 for 4 days a month. Never any 1-1 time, doesn’t even have her own bed at his house (sleeps on the sofa)

But everything about dad is better, dad works harder than I do that’s why he can’t see her more, dads work isn’t flexible that’s why he misses concerts and sports day, dads meals are better as they’re mainly mcdonalds and take out, dads a better driver, dads internet is faster, dads got a better phone than me. Dad wants her to live with him but I’m the big mean mum who won’t let her – he doesn’t want her, I’ve offered when at the end of my tether before now and he says he likes seeing her when he does.

I can’t take it anymore.

I am sick of always being compared to ExH, always being the enemy. If I tell her off for being cheeky or rude “Dad wouldn’t tell me off for that” it’s always my fault that dad has to work so much because he has to pay me so much money – he pays me under what CMS tell him to pay because he keeps knocking it down, it’s my fault she has to go to wraparound because “I won’t let dad have her in the week” I’ve offered, he always says no.

I am done with being compared to someone who frankly can’t be bothered, can’t sort out a bed for her and doesn’t want to be a dad. If I try and explain to her that dad only sees her 4 days a month by choice the answer I get back is "No you don't let him see me more, he told me"

I keep being told “She’ll wise up eventually” “Mine wised up around about the age she is now” but it’s getting worse if anything, everything I do is worse than dad.

I am done being someones constant and it being pushed back in my face.

For context there is SN and a medical issue at play so it wouldn’t surprise me if DD never wises up to him and he’s always on this pedestal. Of course I won’t do anything about it, I am just sick of it.

I've tried proving parent alienation in court and got laughed out of it, so I am stuck in this situation.

She's a kid and its obv repeating what her dad has told her. Hard though it is, you need to rise above it and shrug it off. Don't respond to her, change the subject. And don't keep telling her that her dad doesn't want to see her more often, that's damaging.

Hmmm i think this is very hard, honestly id be inclined to be honest.

Or are you her and her dad able to sit down and chat about it or is that a absolute no no, if it is not possible i think id go down the factual route.

it may not be the right answer, but i think thats my answer.

This sounds incredibly painful and frustrating OP. As pp said, it would only harm your dd to know her dad doesn't really want her, but that doesn't make it any easier for you to constantly hear all this when you're the one there looking after her every day. If you can afford it, maybe therapy could help? To develop mental coping strategies when she starts saying this stuff. Hugs to you.

A very difficult situation, hugs for you

It could help to remember the fact that you're getting the shitty end of the stick from her because you are her true safe space, her security, her comfort zone and haven. This shows what a fantastic, successful job as a parent you've done. She acts and speaks like this at home with you because she genuinely feels secure that you will always be there for her, that she's not in danger of the world falling away from under her feet if she says or does anything wrong. On the other hand, everything must be perfect and wonderful about her dad, and at her dad's. That's not security; that's not comfort. That's his failing. That shows that she doesn't allow herself to show or demonstrate the full spectrum of her emotions and thoughts regarding her dad. You are the parent who has made your daughter feel secure and safe enough to be her whole, imperfect self.

It still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and frustrate you. You still deserve peace and respite from these feelings. I second a PP who suggested counselling for you. Is that an option?

I'm be inclined to give her a give her a suitcase and tell him she's moving in next time he picks her up, but that wouldn't be very grown up.
I think the best way to deal with it is just to shrug off the comments in a 'that's nice dear' kind of way, whilst gritting your teeth.

You could see if her school offers ELSA support and see if she can have some sessions there.

I would say she knows deep down that her DF doesn’t want her anymore than he does so she’s taking it out on you - her safe space.

Thanks all, will look into some counselling for me, I had some when we split but none recently.

I won't send her away or make her go to her dads, it wouldn't be fair it just drives me batty that he's on this pedestal and I do everything wrong.

So frustrating and infuriating. Grit your teeth, keep smiling, don't criticise him (she'll note, eventually, that all the shit is coming from him), keep changing the subject, and maybe occasionally giver her a version of the truth that won't be damaging ('Well, of course your dad wants to give me some money to help me bring you up. That's what mums and dads do.') I suspect she's whistling in the dark - she knows he doesn't want her, but if she keeps saying he does, then maybe he will. Poor kid. Poor you.

I'd probably be at the end of my tether and speak to ex and tell him if he doesnt pack it in you will call his bluff.

If really pushed, I'd tell her that if she wants more contact time to invite dad in next time he drops her off and all three of you can sit down and discuss how to make more contact time happen.

Hopefully he will STFU badmouthing you first.

And if he doesnt then at least DD will see you trying to help her get the contact time and she can ask dad why he wont come in to talk to you. Let her divert the anger where it's due.

I know its horrible to feel like she is a pawn but his behaviour is actively damaging your relationship and you'll be giving him a chance to sort it out first.

I would tell her the truth rather than her go in with the lie she's being fed that her mother is mean. It's important she doesn't think her dad's abandoned her but it's more important that she doesn't think her mother is intentionally and continuously acting against her best interests, intentionally stopping her from being with her dad. That's a very damaging belief. Not refuting it could be taken as agreeing with it and what does that tell her about how her mum feels about her?

@ExHsPedestal How old is the child?? If the child is old enough then I would definitely tell her the truth because it is not fair how she is always seeing you in a bad light like this!!

It's awful and I can't imagine how you feel. Please please don't think it will be like this forever. When she grows out of her childhood rose tinted glasses, she will likely see who was there for her.

My parents split up, and when i think of my fun childhood I think of my dad.

As a mum, I now understand it was my mum who made the bigger sacrifices.

It would drive me insane but I don't think it amounts to parental alienation because it is extremely common for a child to idolise the parent they have a less secure relationship with.

And it is true that they usually wise up as they get older, but since your child has special needs that may be impacting her ability to understand the situation and also her manners and empathy, I think you need to say clearly to her that her opinions are her own to have, but you do not intend to listen to negative comparisons when you are the one doing all the work of raising her. I would also be clear that his financial contribution is meager, and that he has no wish for her to live with him.

I'd say she's telling you what she wants to believe, because the alternative is crappy.

It's better to believe that dad's work isn't flexible enough to come to sports day, than know that he just didn't want to. It's better to believe that dad works so hard that he doesn't have much time, than know that he'd rather do other things with his time than see her. It's better to believe that you're stopping her seeing dad more often, than know that dad doesn't want her more often. And the 'dad would let me' is a normal response for lots of kids when they don't get their own way!

I'd say she's fully aware of the situation and she's just trying to protect herself. Because the problem is, if she faces up to the fact that he DOESN'T want her more often, there's a good chance that she'll blame herself for that.

Maybe point out all the things you do. She's 9...old enough to know you have feelings too.

She knows she can push you away because you're safe, you're constant and you're stable. She feels secure that you love her unconditionally, she doesn't feel that about her dad so she's trying to justify why in her own mind, because it's less painful than that nagging voice that says daddy isn't bothered. Deep down even at her age she knows.

I’d say that @ElliesMum16 has nailed it.

She knows the reality but it’s too painful to accept. So it’s easier to believe that you are causing the problems.

When a child is rejected by a parent they blame themselves and the shame is enormous. They believe that they are the problem. For your daughter, she needs to believe you caused the issues because the alternative is too painful.

it’s awful for you. You have my sympathy. Just keep being there for her and loving her the best you can.

Oh gosh this brings back memories. She’ll grow out of it. I always wanted to live with my dad as he did the fun things with me that my mum couldn’t. But like yours he didn’t have the space and didn’t want me. I do however wish my mum had sent me there even for 2 weeks as I’d have grown up quicker. Personally I’d send your dd as it isn’t fair on her. She’ll soon see how much better you are.

I feel for you I really do. My brother is a single dad to my niece and gets this constantly about how her mother is best. Her mother is a junkie that sees her a few times a year and certainly doesn't pay a single cent towards her.
Obviously it would be devastating for her to realise her mother is CHOOSING to stay away from her.
I imagine it's easier to turn the narrative against the parent that shows up and clearly loves you. To see the absent parent as a hard done by hero rather than the selfish ahole that they are.

@2jacqi She's 9, I have told her and even shown her messages between me and her dad telling him to let me know if he wants her extra, but he always replies "Thats ok, she likes this routine we have" or similar. And then when asked about it he tells her it's me stopping him even when she's seen the evidence she believes him.

Her understanding is delayed due to SN.

I have an ex with some similarities. If I get told "dad would let me/not make me etc" I'm very clear and firm "this is my house not dads house I'm in charge here we follow my rules here and you have dads rules there". I won't get pulled into that no child will understand real parents are never going to be able to compete with Disney dads or our kids will have no boundaries at all.

When my kids mention dad give me all his money I correct them and say no dad gives money for you because both parents are responsible for their children. Probably unhealthy but I did once then ask them what I spend money on that isn't for them and they could not give me an answer because I'm a poor single mum. After the pause while they thought I asked if I spend money on X Y Z and listed his hobbies he still has money for while moaning he gives it all to me.

The other thing I get is dad buys us this or that or at dad house we eat expensive brand not own brand etc. And again I will say dads house has dads rules this house has my rules and I don't have the money for that. If you want I can buy the expensive stuff instead but we will have to stop paying for dance club/scout trips for me to be able to afford that which would you prefer?

I never ever slag their dad off. It's different rules in different houses or it's about my financial situation not streaming to that. I never say well he can afford that because he's living rent free leeching off his current victim of a girlfriend and he pays bare minimum maintenance. Never once have I told them he stood there in court and said he needed to have one night a week with them as it would reduce his maintenance.

My SEN kid thinks his dad is great some days others not so much. But he gets that I have no control over what happens at dads house and dad has no control over what happens at mine.

But I will say a turning point was when ex had them for a holiday. Ex couldn't cope with SEN child couldn't keep up the spending for a week straight and then had to deal with the hyper diarrhoea spewing kid that results from the food dad gives him. They both got a reality check that week. Neither of them will do it again

You can be honest without throwing her dad under the bus. Of course it’s all great fun with the parent who is part time. I have said that both as the part time one with our DSS and the full time one. Doing the homework and the routine and the boring stuff is less fun, but as a parent it’s our job to do both, and means we usually have less energy for the fun stuff. Just acknowledge it. Take the power away from that. ‘I’m glad you have a good time with your dad, we’ve all agreed you live here so unfortunately that means we have to do the less fun stuff as well as the fun stuff. I love you, I support your relationship with your dad and I’m sure one day you’ll know that. In the meantime, I’m here and will
keep being your parent, and keep loving you, and that means the fun and the not so fun.’

Can you have a conversation all together about it when he picks up or drops off? "DD says She would like to see you more often and you've said it is ok. Do you want to make plans?" Or "DD has said she thinks I'm not allowing her to see you more, I just want to be clear it's ok with me if you'd like to increase contact."

Why was you in court ? I presume you were trying to stop contact and citing parent alienation ? Or was it something else ?

You may have forced the issue so much slagging him off, that she now feels the need to defend him.

The best way is to move on yourself and stop the anger and bitterness showing. This is about your child, not you and she clearly is suffering.

Can she phone her dad and ask him herself?

I know if he says no it will be harsh and if he says yes he will not stick to it but either way it will take him off the pedestal.