Husband went out last night and drunk drove. I’m so disappointed and angry

[Shitthebed24]

Husband doesn’t go out much anymore and I’ve been encouraging him to see his friends more.

Yesterday he went out to the football with family (uncle and cousin). Didn’t hear much from him which was fine, but he said he’d be home about 8. When it got to a little after 8, he text to say he’d be home in an hour, strange as the game finished 2 hours prior but fine, trains are not running/strikes etc etc

When he did finally get home, he was pretty drunk and he had driven home. I was fuming at him, so disappointed. He’s done it a few times when we were younger and I told him that if he ever did it again it would be grounds for me to leave him.

I tried to speak to him last night, I mentioned that it would have been nice to be told he’d gone for more drinks after the game (I was stupidly waiting to eat dinner with him, won’t be doing that again) and that he had drunk far too much to drive. He started saying that I’ve gone out before and not text him and rocked up 3 hours later than I said (which I have and apologised for) and that if he’d of got a cab home, I’d be annoyed that he’d have to take my car and it would have been an argument so he just drove back.

I know that drink driving is incredibly selfish, disgusting thing to do. But the way I behaved last night, my husband has it is in his head that “he can’t go out and have fun without it kicking off when he gets home” which is not true. Hes gone to work now and im awake and seething at him still.

I’d have phoned the police on his sorry arse this morning.

what an absolute cunt

they twist it because they know theyre wrong-the late getting home s neither here nor there but blaming you for an argument isnt on

Yesterday one person was killed, another critical and another hospitalised but stable caused by a drunk driver in my village in Scotland. I would hate to be associated with the drunk driver who caused this. Drunk drivers are scum and given he's got form for it says enough for me. Show him this thread maybe?

It is blindingly obvious that your husband doesn't take this seriously. As a PP said, anyone who took drunk driving seriously would be utterly horrified to realise they'd done it and take instant measures.

You need to respond in accordance with your feelings. You know how serious it is. Don't waste energy on the argument about staying out later. You need to decide if you're staying in a marriage with someone who drinks and drives.

You said you'd leave him if he did it again, so leave him. Better yet phone the police and tell them what he's done.

Drink drivers are fucking scum, and people who enable them aren't much better.

You need to ring the police when this happens THAT night. They need to breathalise etc for evidence. I doubt he will admit it if you called them now and then it's one word against another.

You sit down with him, you lay down the law. You tell him that the next time (which there will be!) that he does this, you will be ringing the police straight away for them to arrest him.

I have told any partner I have been with as well as my family that I would ring the police on anyone that I seen doing this.

This is coming from someone with a drink drive conviction as well. I certainly learned my lesson, and it was one of the most shameful moments of my life.

He's trying to twist the argument away from his drunk driving to make himself the victim, by saying you are controlling. It's all bullshit to stop you concentrating on him driving his car whilst drunk

So, you’re leaving him I assume?

Absolute waste of everyone’s time

Drink drivers are the lowest of the low.

Selfish through and through.

Fine if they end up killing themselves but not an innocent person.

They make me sick.

You need to prioritise. Do you want to punish him further being a selfish, drink/driving prick or do you want to stop him doing it again?
They may well have two very different results.
Try sending him videos made by campaign groups / police.
Here is one Durham constabulary made:

If he refuses to watch them then you know he has no intention of changing and you could end up with another family's grief on your conscience.

@ClareBlue OP seems like a very decent person. If he kills someone she will no doubt feel some guilt, even though, as you say, this is not her fault. I am imagining myself in this situation. If the worst was to happen and I hadn't called the police on him or left the relationship I would in part feel responsible for the outcome. That is not to say that OP should carry any of the blame. But that's the difference between those that care about others (and worry about the consequences) and those that don't give a $hiπ about anyone except themselves .

He clearly doesn't give a shit that he could kill or seriously injure someone. If he did he wouldn't dream of doing it.

Op you need to think really hard about whether you want to stay with someone like this, not to mention if he did seriously injure or kill someone and whether you would even stand by him then.

"I told him that if he ever did it again it would be grounds for me to leave him."

Even if you hadn't already said this to him I'd be leaving him. There is no excuse, none whatsoever.

Have you seen him again since the initial conversation OP?

Op, any chance that he may have actually hit anyone/anything?

I won't have anything to do with anyone who drink drives and this guy clearly doesn't care as he's got form. He can't be trusted not to do it again and the fact he's trying to turn this around onto you should tell you everything you need to know.

do you have children together?

And do you drive? i.e. could you have gone to collect him and the car (if he'd called you)?

@Shitthebed24

this is on HIM not you.

you are NOT responsible for his sctions
you are NOT responsible for him being a wet wipe & doing something so irresponsible to avoid a row.

get him told straight, this is HIS doing, not yours.

i get that it was years ago you told him you'd leave if he did it again, so it feels unrelated.

you also need a proper discussion about whether what he said about you was how he really feels (or just drunken b/s because if he genuinely feels how he said he feels that's something that needs proper sorting.

in that situation I'd have got the taxi to my car & picked him up & brought them both home had I been told, I'd be furious that he'd driven my car drunk too.

but for the love of all things holy, WHY wasn't this sorted before he went out. He went to the footy, there was no way he wasn't going to be drinking.

Ditto

This happened to me - I even had a thread about it!
I kicked off at him multiple times. Similar deflection. I texted friends he was with asking wtf did you let him drive? They were also concerned. He found the convos and was furious about me talking to his friends about it. I called the police when I knew he was driving drunk - 999. They never caught him - it was always small distances.

He stopped. I don't know if it was the constant bollocking from me, or the fact that my arguments finally sank in, or the fear that I would call and he would actually get caught, or the shame of having his friends liaise with his wife about how to stop him. But he has stopped.

I'm always wary about him, checking up on who's driving to events etc. So maybe this helps, that he knows it's not off my radar and won't be.

Good luck OP.

Nope. "One last chance" was last time, OP said so. OP should keep her promise and LTB. Otherwise she will be saying "one last chance" as an empty threat over and over and over until he kills someone.

Look up DARVO. It stands for "Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender". He's Denying responsibility for drink driving by Attacking you with claims that you "kick off", and doing so Reverses the roles of victim and offender so that he is now the victim when in fact he is the offender.

DARVO is an abuse tactic.

Also read the first rule of misogyny. He's blaming you, a woman, for what he, a man, has done.

Report him. Ask the police to disguise that it's you - say they had a witnesses and they can't disclose etc

I'd be livid if DH was drinking and driving. I've reported a close friend for doing it before. There was a headteacher in my local area who was DUI and caused an accident, destroyed her life as she was banned from driving and could not longer work, her husband left her not long after.