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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband went out last night and drunk drove. I’m so disappointed and angry

78 replies

Shitthebed24 · 08/01/2024 06:30

Husband doesn’t go out much anymore and I’ve been encouraging him to see his friends more.

Yesterday he went out to the football with family (uncle and cousin). Didn’t hear much from him which was fine, but he said he’d be home about 8. When it got to a little after 8, he text to say he’d be home in an hour, strange as the game finished 2 hours prior but fine, trains are not running/strikes etc etc

When he did finally get home, he was pretty drunk and he had driven home. I was fuming at him, so disappointed. He’s done it a few times when we were younger and I told him that if he ever did it again it would be grounds for me to leave him.

I tried to speak to him last night, I mentioned that it would have been nice to be told he’d gone for more drinks after the game (I was stupidly waiting to eat dinner with him, won’t be doing that again) and that he had drunk far too much to drive. He started saying that I’ve gone out before and not text him and rocked up 3 hours later than I said (which I have and apologised for) and that if he’d of got a cab home, I’d be annoyed that he’d have to take my car and it would have been an argument so he just drove back.

I know that drink driving is incredibly selfish, disgusting thing to do. But the way I behaved last night, my husband has it is in his head that “he can’t go out and have fun without it kicking off when he gets home” which is not true. Hes gone to work now and im awake and seething at him still.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 08/01/2024 07:54

Report him don't have a death in your conscious.

Foxblue · 08/01/2024 07:55

The fact he's done it is bad enough, but the fact he went on the defence about it is absolutely horrendous. I'd wait until he gets home later, have dinner etc then have a calm conversation. If he apologises and shows remorse, then you can make a decision based on that I guess, it does sound like the argument was primarily focused around him being late rather than the drink driving, although maybe it comes off that way because he decided to be a child and point the finger at you (for something you apologised for! What a dick)

Topee · 08/01/2024 08:13

PaintingPictures · 08/01/2024 06:40

I wouldn’t stay with someone who drinks and drives. A relative of mine was killed by someone who did it, it’s an incredibly selfish and unnecessary thing to do and devastates lives. Your husband is a cunt.

100% this, a relative of mine was killed too.

Cosywintertime · 08/01/2024 08:16

Thing is op, he clearly planned to drink drive, he knew, when he took that third drink that’s exactly what he wished to do, and was sober enough to understand his decision,

in addition he was with family who permitted it. Who also knew.

I can’t imagine being with someone like this.

RiaLia · 08/01/2024 08:22

3 separate issues.

First is whether there is kick off/frostiness if he gets home an hour or 2 later than planned, and how you deal with that. It's not a big deal if someone doesn't get home when they plan, the evening can sometimes take a different turn.

The second issue is drink driving. Just a big fat no, no matter what his excuse was.

Third issue, he still managed to blame you for it. Whether you kick off at him being late or not, what a little pussy blaming his wife for him being a bellend and driving a car whilst drunk!

RiaLia · 08/01/2024 08:23

3 separate issues.

First is whether there is kick off/frostiness if he gets home an hour or 2 later than planned, and how you deal with that. It's not a big deal if someone doesn't get home when they plan, the evening can sometimes take a different turn.

The second issue is drink driving. Just a big fat no, no matter what his excuse was.

Third issue, he still managed to blame you for it. Whether you kick off at him being late or not, what a little pussy blaming his wife for him being a bellend and driving a car whilst drunk!

PinkTeaForMe · 08/01/2024 08:45

Since you've threatened to leave him but are not actually going through with it, you'll have blood on your hands when he eventually does kill someone. Because he will do it again. In fact he'll grow more confident in his ability to drive home despite the amount he has drunk. Imagine if that someone killed was your child or your parent. Drunk drivers make me sick. There is absolutely no excuse for this and the fact that you're giving him yet another chance means that you're also liable. Leave him and ring the police, so that he knows that the consequences of this are worse than avoiding an argument.

ClareBlue · 08/01/2024 08:54

No, OP will not have blood on her hands if she doesn't leave him. This is down to him and has nothing to do with OP and whether she continues a relationship with him. Leaving him has no guarantee of him not doing it again and OP is not encouraging or enabling it. Why do people think it her responsibility for his choices. They are his choices.

NotToYou · 08/01/2024 09:29

Drink driving is an absolute dealbreaker to me, I wouldn't want to be associated with anyone who thought it was acceptable.

Ansjovis · 08/01/2024 09:33

He could have killed someone. A decent man who made a terrible mistake would be absolutely horrified and taking immediate steps to prevent a recurrence. Your husband's actions fall significantly short of this standard. It doesn't sound like you'll ever get him to admit to being at fault so all you can do is follow through on leaving him like you said you would.

snowplacelikehome1 · 08/01/2024 10:28

Not only is he risking lives, he’s risking your security. If/when he gets convicted, you will have a husband with a criminal record in prison/out of work, while you prop him up.
Will that work for you?
You’d be questioning your own integrity for not acting sooner for you and your family.

TeaGinandFags · 08/01/2024 10:29

OP doesn't have to leave her husband, but time spent with friends may not go amiss. Or he comes home to find some clothes in a plastic bag by the door. If she's not there when he gets home it may make him sit up and think.

Whatever OP does or doesn't do, the drunk driving and throwing tantrums is wholly on him. If she forgives him she is not giving him permission to do it again as nobody can do that.

An alternative would to talk to the police and ask for help/ advice. Perhaps they could talk to him and warn him off.

Bahhhhhhhumbug · 08/01/2024 10:34

Complete arsehole. My DP used to be a cop and used to have to pick up the pieces from people who had drunk drove - not only attending the scenes which were absolutely traumatising for the emergency service workers attending, but knocking on relatives doors to tell them that their son/daughter/husband/wife had been killed by a drunk driver. Devastates so many lives.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/01/2024 12:35

I'd report him. Prick.

Didimum · 08/01/2024 12:46

No. HE doesn't get to blame YOU for HIM drink driving. This is a defensive tactic and nothing more.

Silverbirchtwo · 08/01/2024 12:48

These days I would say don't drink at all if you are going to drive. It's so easy to just have another one and then another one.. In future make arrangements that either allow him to drink and get home safely (you drop him off/pick him up, or he gets a lift, or budget for a taxi) or he doesn't drink.

gannett · 08/01/2024 12:48

He’s done it a few times when we were younger and I told him that if he ever did it again it would be grounds for me to leave him.

Good for you. So now you know what you have to do.

His excuse is pathetic btw.

PossumintheHouse · 08/01/2024 12:57

You “mentioned that it would have been nice” to be told he’d gone for drinks?! Come on OP, that was soft as! You didn’t exactly give him the most serious bollocking of his lifetime, did you? I can’t believe how blasé he - and you - are being about this. If you’re not going to go through with your threat of leaving him, you should at least be hammering his head with this to the point of a migraine.
I’m surprised it wasn’t a dealbreaker for you when he was younger, to be honest.

ManateeFair · 08/01/2024 13:00

I'd find it really hard to get past this, I have to say. Not just the drinking and driving, but also the fact that he blames you for 'kicking off'. What a twat.

Seaweed42 · 08/01/2024 13:05

You are married to a drunk driver.

Would you prefer to have an argument over going back to get his car than to wake up tomorrow knowing your husband had killed a child in a car crash while he was drunk.

You'll both survive an argument but the person he hits won't have that choice.

Hopefully you don't have kids. Probably not a good idea to have kids with someone who is in such denial.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 08/01/2024 13:08

You could leave him -as you said you would -but whatever you decide, it would be better to report him.

Even if the police have not enough evidence to prosecute him he needs to understand how serious this is.

ChaToilLeam · 08/01/2024 13:09

Well, you said you would leave him if he did it again. What now?

Thesearmsofmine · 08/01/2024 13:17

It would be a dealbreaker for me, I would leave. My friend was killed by a drunk driver, she was 10, a little girl who never got to live her life because of the actions of a selfish prick. So yeah I’d leave.

Oh and as if it wasn’t already obvious that he is a duck, he has managed to twist it around to attempt to make you look like the unreasonable one.

Readyforrespite · 08/01/2024 13:31

Why do you keep forgiving him OP? He doesn't care about anyone but himself. And if he carries on and does end up killing someone, he'll be sad he's in prison, not that he is a murderer. Why would you want to be married to such a scum bag? Do you have DC?

Tonight1 · 08/01/2024 13:32

Think it's about time you left him, he won't change