AIBU about parent’s secret gift to school?

[Ostryga]

I have no idea if I’m being stupid about this or not. I’ve been stewing over it as well which is never a good idea!

Last day of term before Christmas as I dropped Dd off her teacher caught me and said gosh your parents are generous! Turns out they’d sent a big cheque (no idea how much) to DD’s school. They never talked to me about it, nor have they mentioned it since.

For context we have an incredibly strained relationship as it is, so don’t know if I’m within reason to be pissed off about this. It’s just so like them to encroach on mine and DD’s life like this, and pretend to be all loving and generous when really they’re both nasty as hell to me constantly and the reason I am v low contact!

I don’t think it’s anything to do with you

Context? Is there some sort of appeal/fundraising going on or was it completely unprompted?

It's nothing to do with you.

If the school is benefiting why be annoyed about it? They probably kept it secret because they knew how you would react.
Does it matter what the school think about your parents. Schools budgets are so squeezed they need as much money from donations as they can get

Totally reasonable to be pissed off.

Probably easiest not to say that to the school though.

Can you use the support you will get on here to forget all about it?

I would be pissed off in your situation.
I agree with pps that the school have some much needed money which is no bad thing, but if i was low contact with them and their only link to the school is via DC, i would be annoyed they did this without letting me know.

I'd say nothing. If they want to donate to a school it's up to them. Schools are so needy of every penny.

I would try very hard to ignore it. If you challenge them over it, you’re handing them ammunition. They’ll say that they did a nice thing, secretly so you didn’t feel annoyed by it, and now you’ve thrown it back in their faces. Aren’t they unlucky to have the world’s most ungrateful daughter when all they were trying to do was to help the little children?

If you ignore it, however, what does it actually change? Your DD isn’t being treated any differently because of it and although her teacher now thinks they are very generous, and probably lovely people, you don’t need to convince her, or anyone else, what they’re really like. You know the truth and that’s enough. They don’t get to use it against you.

You’ve got an opportunity here to engage in conflict with them. Sometimes that conflict is worth engaging in. But in this instance, I can’t see any benefit in it for you.

I think it's all quite odd and if it was me I'd see it as controlling. OK it benefits the school but if you have a poor relationship or don't want contact with them for your DC then I suppose it's something to accept. Then for your own sake forget about it.

I think it has everything to do with the OP and her fractured relationship with her parents. This is a massive powerplay, and whilst you’d not want the cash gift returned, it’s a bizarre thing to do

There’s nothing you can do about it, so it’s not worth your energy.

Of course it’s to do with the OP and a show of power if they are no contact. In their heads they’re probably right and you are wrong and this is their way of showing affection, which is warped as they will never see the reason for the LC.

It was for your child's school though, not for you or personally for your child. If anything, the teacher has crossed the line sharing information that they might not have wanted sharing.

I'd be worried about their reasons behind giving the school money. Hoping to get them inside in some way? But i am a suspicious person lol

Any chance it’s mistaken identity and someone else gave the gift?

I agree with others that they are doing this to push you towards contact, and to paint themselves in a good light. Don't give them the satisfaction.

If it's brought up again, I would say something like, "I hope that really helps the school. I didn't know about it because we don't have much contact with them." Anyone with half a brain will leave it there; most people will read between the lines and see it as a power play.

If it's the type of school that might announce this sort of thing in a magazine or newsletter, you might mention to the head that you don't want your daughter's name or picture associated with it.

This sounds like something that Gilmore Girl Lorelei’s parents would do. Power move!

I can see why it may grate on you. It is them currying favour with the people in your life remotely while not treating you well. So then you get to hear from these 3rd parties how grat your parents are, like a flying monkey . If you have a totally healthy relationship with your parents it may be hard to understand, but I get it.

"Nothing to do with you"

Don't be daft. Her kids attend that school. When OP's parents give ££ to a school her kids don't attend then it's nothing to do with her.

Try to focus on the fact that the school now has extra resources which will benefit your dc, their friends and the whole school community.

Try to be appreciative of the good that will come from your dp's power play. Try to ignore the message you think their gift is sending you.

You are right that their behaviour in the past has done you wrong. This is a sneaky, undermining move on their part but try to separate it from your justifiable "baggage" around your parents' narcissism because that link is currently ruining your peace of mind.

my stupid parents did this. I hated school and had a terrible time, which they ignored. when I left they gave the fucking school a fucking donation (fucking hell !!!) but have never helped me out financially.

I can't see how this is power play - they did not tell OP about the money and if teacher had not opened her mouth OP would still not know.

School gets a bonus - that's good.

I heartily recommend Zoe's Youtube channel 'Live Abuse Free' and her compassionate analysis of the effects of narcissistic abuse.

I'm struggling to post a link that works. Please do have a look at the video titled 'My daughter stopped talking to me: My response' as I think it may resonate with you.

Exactly the people who came to my mind!

Very odd. I'd try to ignore and not say anything to you. If it happened again and the teacher says something I'd say something like.. that's odd we don't really have anything to do with them.

Thanks for all your replies! So glad I posted here first instead of sending an irate WhatsApp as that was my plan 😂

@Nagado fabulous advice thank you so much. And explained it perfectly, that’s exactly what is going on.

It’s not DD’s teacher’s fault, she was working on the assumption that we are a close family because they are involved in DD’s life (go to sports day/nativity etc if I’m at work) and so was just making end of term convo. She is completely lovely and would never stir the pot unnecessarily.

God I just hate them! They’re always doing this kind of stuff to look amazing to everyone else and try to make my life as miserable as possible even with as little contact as we have. It winds me up endlessly, but v glad I haven’t just gone batshit at them and given them more ammo.