Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

Well having the choice of using my father's surname or my husband's surname, at least I got to choose my husband! I just chose my husband's name as it was nicer - still have to spell it always but I had to do the same with my maiden name too. It's much easier with us all having the same name.

I have twisted nothing and indulged no whataboutery. I simply highlighted that your interpretation of my words missed the point. I never said that a woman’s surname is not hers legally.

But by your logic, you didn't take your husband's surname, did you?

You took your father in law's surname.

Or do men 'own' their own surnames, while women never do? Just as men's surnames are always so much 'nicer' than women's?

I think there are far more pressing feminist issues in society to be honest. It’s a personal choice with very limited wider implications and I really don’t care what other people choose to do. It’s a bit anachronistic but I think when it comes to having kids we all become a bit tribal/nostalgic and a lot of people perpetuate what happened in their own families. On the other hand I know of a few couples now who have chosen a completely original new shared name when getting married.

What happens when two people both with double barrelled surnames have children? Genuine question not being snarky.

I absolutley love that the fact I took my husbands surname on marriage, and that my kids have it too angers people 🤣

Because it's only a name which they may or may not change when they get older. We are a team what name we use really isn't that important to our family. I like to think our family is rooted by a lot more than just a name.

@IcedPurple

Is it possible that I can see that that a child taking the fathers name is born out of a patriarchal tradition through society and history but still enjoy the custom of all having the same name?

I think I can and do. And what gives me the power to have that fragmented pick and choose approach to feminism is the power of free choice.

I

YANBU except for the point about ownership. I think there are probably other intentions in naming than that. I think you’d have got very different poll results if you hadn’t included the ownership sentence.

to me it’s absolutely bizarre that the reflex action is to name the child after their father. And I did that, despite not being married. I look back now and wonder what the fuck I was thinking to do that without even questioning why I was doing it.

I like to think our family is rooted by a lot more than just a name.

Of course. Hopefully it is. But is just one of the things that binds people.

But it's not a custom of 'all having the same name', is it? It's a custom of all having the man's name.

And is it really a 'free choice' when all the social pressure is on one side only?

Often a surname’s the only thing the DC gets from their father. Too often.

Funny how it advantages no one but Loser Dad.

The mother’s surname should be used - if she’s married, it’s usually the same as the father’s anyway.

😂😂😂😂

I have never had to explain that I am Dr X the mother of little Y.

i am a female with a child. The most I get is “are you mum?”

school, GP’s, banks etc all manage to address me correctly.

and as I have said previously, having a different name has actually forced people to contact Dh on social media or on what’s app groups etc, as they can’t find me. So I get out of all that.

dh already gets looked at sceptically and asked “where’s mum” when he takes dc to dr’s appointments, hV etc. if he had a different name I’d expect he’d need to carry round the kids birth certs to prove PR.

It's about unity .

All the women I know, married or not, bar one, have their children surnamed after the father. At the same time the ones who are my contemporaries (late 60s+) always use their own surnames, married or not.

My own deal and that of a friend was the mother's name for daughters, the father's for sons.

For those who say the surname is still a man;'s name: you have to start somewhere.

But it's not a custom of 'all having the same name', is it? It's a custom of all having the man's name.

I've already explained why I went with their father's name.

And is it really a 'free choice' when all the social pressure is on one side only?

It's undoubtedly a skewed choice but within those parameters because of historical tradition but I don't doubt other people feel like me.

You can see it but you feel a need to change it.

you don't feel a need to change it

I think it's very counterproductive to sneer at the silly little women with their silly little reasons and be all passive aggressive about it.

A discussion about why's ( tradition,outside pressure - familial or societal- etc.) and well rounded counter arguments (for example historically, there was a need in teems of inheritance,succession etc. and now there isn't) is good and makes people think. That's how change happens even if it's the next generation . This is not what's happening here. What's happening here is yet another thread where some women are patting themselves on the back for womaning better.

Not really sure what you mean sorry?

My daughter having my name with prove what exactly?
What name I do or don't give my daughter does not define who she is or who I am surely.

Why didn’t you all use your name?

My daughter having my name with prove what exactly?

Clearly not to you 🤷‍♀️ but to me, I LIKE having the same name as my kids. It's a common bond

What name I do or don't give my daughter does not define who she is or who I am surely.m

Course not.

Where have people sneered at women? People are just saying societal pressure is involved when 95% of children have their dad’s name. Look what’s happening in the US:

‘Today, women aren’t legally mandated to give their husband’s last name to their children but U.S. bureaucracy has continued to enforce patrilineal naming conventions. Anthony has researched court cases in which couples battle over who has the right to pass down the surname to their kids. “The mother almost always loses,” Anthony told me. Individual judges have repeatedly used the legal doctrine of the “best interests of the child” to side with the father.

“There’s this implicit understanding that having the father’s last name is inherently in the child’s best interest,” she said, citing cases where judges argued that taking the father’s surname would deepen the family relationship or provide children with more financial security later in life. Some states, such as Louisiana, that enforce patrilineal surnaming as a default when the father is known and supports the children, unless both partners agree otherwise.’’

Where have people sneered at women?

Well OP for starters.

Yeah PPs have covered all that, read the full thread if you're genuinely interested

We double barrelled my DS's name and I regretted it. Such a mouthful. Realised years later that there was an option of having one of the surnames as a middle name. Which I think is much better. Double barrelled names are too much of a mouthful. And we can't keep double barrelling, if we double barrel, double barrelled names then we are getting 4 name long surnames which is obviously ridiculous. So if you aren't double barrelling you are going to go to have to go with one name or the other (or do a new surname altogether but that feels a bit extra to me).

My DSs long surname was also pointless when I later married and changed my surname. My adult DS decided to later change his surname to his dad's surname with my married name as a middle name which is lovely and makes more sense.

Also can we PLEASE think of the future genealogists. 😀😀 I have no idea how they are going to do family history research with people doing all sorts with their surnames. Bloody nightmare!