Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

Meaning it’s not her own name, not that it’s not her actual name. Her own names are her first names - they are specific to her. Her surname comes from her father, or if she takes her mother’s name, her mother’s father. A name can be both hers and her father’s/grandfather’s no?

Exactly. Male children pass it to their wives and daughters.

I would not have thought that patronymics would be the intellectual challenge they have proved to be for some people.

No real answer then.

Why can't my name , from my father, be as of much value to me as one from my mother?

Thought you might all appreciate some light relief 😜

I consider myself to be a feminist but I chose to govern DD her dads name and I took his when we got married. Surely feminism is choosing.

Not one that you’re going to understand at this point I think.

Oh and DH said she could have my name

It's her own name. That is the position in law.

No matter how you may disagree it doesn't change the objective fact. You are legally incorrect to state that it is not her own name.

I'm not sure what is so difficult about this.

Stop telling people why they did something!

Exactly. Fascinating to see how some posters on this thread judge other women for changing their surnames to their husbands’ and questioning their reasons for doing so.
Thing is, those women don’t owe you an explanation.
Plus, it’s quite patronising to imply they ‘waited for a man to swoop in and rename them’.

@mosiacmaker 😂

On that point, I'd love to live in a society where this debate wasn't even necessary, same as it's never been necessary for men who you don't hear tearing strips off each other for making lifestyle choices that are different to other men's. BTW, this isn't an endorsement of men, or a suggestion that they're not into petty minutiae whereas women waste our time on the trivial stuff. To many of us, this clearly isn't trivial but very important. The only reason you don't hear men having these arguments is because they've never had to (and have usually/traditionally been able to pursue their own careers and own lives because of women's support).

It's a rhetorical question and I don't have the answers but - what would it take to get women to the same place?

You can read a dictionary but can’t seem to make it relate to your posts.

That’s her cue to start on patronymics.

It would be, if it were truly a free choice.

do you think the near 100% of women that give their children their father’s name/take his name on marriage have made an independent choice, free of any external or societal expectation? Some may, but the vast majority will not be.

when the figures are closer to 50:50, men changing their names becomes as normal as women, then I’ll believe it’s a true choice.

Feminism is about equality. Someone isn't a feminist simply because they have made a choice. It would depend on what the choice is. Some choices could make life more difficult for other women. Would someone making that choice be a feminist? I don't think so.

Marriage offers protection in the sense that if an unmarried couple have children and the relationship breaks down, the woman can be left in dire straits financially. Marriage mitigates against this.

However, in almost every other sense, marriage is a much better deal for men than women. Many studies show that while for women, happiness decreases after marriage, the opposite is true for men. Women are twice as likely to initiate divorce, and half as likely to wish to remarry as men. Married men live longer than single men. Women are sold the idea of marriage as their ultimate goal, but the facts do not support that.

So you are the arbiter of what feminism is? No thanks. I've fought for most of my against shouty people telling me what I 'should' do. I'll do what I choose, and I won't ask you (or anyone else) for permission.

*do you think the near 100% of women that give their children their father’s name/take his name on marriage have made an independent choice, free of any external or societal expectation? Some may, but the vast majority will not be.

when the figures are closer to 50:50, men changing their names becomes as normal as women, then I’ll believe it’s a true choice.*

I acknowledge a patriarchal framework to our lives that inhibits a true ' true ' choice as such.

But what if we just don't care that much? I felt I could choose either way.

I love it

The questioning is coming from both sides. In an offline context, those who don't change their names receive more pushback for that decision than those who do. Of course, in most circumstances it isn't necessary to disclose this at all, but the sort of behaviour mentioned upthread by a registrar, in-laws taking gratuitous offence, or people totally unconnected who have NO vested interest in your choices getting all pissed off when you ask them to address you as something other than 'Mrs', are not uncommon scenarios. In many ways the default choice is the easier choice. This tends to suggest why far many more women in this position claim they don't care and that the issue isn't important to them, whereas women who have retained their family names very often do believe it important.

Of course no one owes an explanation of their lifestyle choices to anyone, much less a justification to complete strangers on the internet. But the thread title does ask the question directly: we knew what it was about before we clicked on it, and the people offering explanations here are doing so voluntarily.

What if we just don't think it's a hill worth dying on? 🤷‍♀️

Always thought I would double barrell or do a mashup, but I simply liked my husband's name better. I keep my name for work but that's it. My other name is my personal name and is the same as the kids.

And probably the absolute roaring navel gazing argument going on here tells you it might not be a true choice, but a lot of women just aren't that bothered because they do have a choice.

It might be different if they didn't.