Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

You do realise that many British women's surnames are names they inherited from their fathers? And even if they were given their mother's surname, then THAT surname is most likely inherited from their grandfather? And so on and so forth?

For me where the name comes from is irrelevant. It’s the fact that women are going to enormous hassles to change it for no good reason as far as I can see. I don't think many men would do that. As DH said it's a pretty stupid English tradition.

So you kept your own name? Fair enough.

What in that debate convinced you? It would be interesting to know how the debate was 40 years ago.

And incorrect
They understand a lot more now than they ever did.
But whatever you do, don't give yoing women any credit. That wouldn't do at all.
As I said, I was v happy to take dhs name.
My 3 girls will make their own choices. Just like they will and do in every other decision they make.

“Many women on here also seem to feel that their names being the same makes them a unit. Obvs entitled to that opinion but in my world there are many many more important things that make my family a unit.”

Interesting - I have always seen it the other way round. I changed my name on marriage, because in comparison to all the other changes that cone with marriage, sharing a surname was trivial. Not the we didn’t discuss it - we did discuss all options fully - but it was trivial in the overall scheme of things. Ditto becoming a family unit including a child - family name a very trivial part of the overall changes becoming parents bring.

Bear in mind there’s a lifetime of socialisation at work too.

girls are still growing up with expectations of the big day, white dress, marriage and babies. That’s more important to many people than any other ambition or career. Women are “less” if they can’t snag a man. Changing their name announces to the world their value, reflected in their ability to hold on to a man.

girls know from before they can talk that one day they’ll marry, and become “Mrs x”. They practice their new signature, and imagine if their new name will be the boys they have a crush on.

boys meanwhile, are brought up with the focus on career, work and money. It’s likely they’ll get married because all women are out to drag them down the aisle, and they’ll reluctantly agree when it’s time for kids. It won’t make much difference to their lives, and they don’t even think about the whole name thing…

and so it continues..

A thread of women arguing over one patrilineal name or another is entertaining. It makes no odds if you keep your father’s name or take your DH’s - they’re all men’s names.

The only way to avoid this is to change your surname to you like and pass that to your kids.

Well said.

Many women on here also seem to feel that their names being the same makes them a unit. Obvs entitled to that opinion but in my world there are many many more important things that make my family a unit.

Ironically, what often happens is the ex husband becomes a unit with the children that share his name and OP ends up taking on the name of the next husband.

I wanted to keep my ethnic surname to retain ties to my birth culture, so I started to double barrel after marriage. God it was cumbersome! I switched back to my maiden name and decided I would not inflict the same hassle on DC. So either way they were only going to have one parent’s surname.

In the end I gave them their first names and DH gave them their surname. I still think I got the better part of the deal. I don’t see it as a feminist issue, it really doesn’t bother me that we don’t have the same name. Families with the same name date from the days when one man and one woman had kids and stayed together. Nowadays women have kids with different men, those kids have different surnames, then maybe they remarry and get another surname. It really doesn’t matter in the modern world.

The name a woman has from her birth is her history, much more so than the man she marries.

And you’re a woman arguing here as well Mira.

A child has two parents. Why does it make more sense to give the child one parent's name over the other? That doesn't make any sense.

Also spouting incorrect rubbish.
None of the young women I know think like this. None.

I'm another one who gave the children their fathers name. My surname got me teased mercilessly. I didn't want that.

That is the current norm though, kids get dad’s name. It’s just a shame it’s still the default position, so much so that women upthread have been screamed at by the father for daring to deviate from the norm.

But it makes sense when it's the man's name?

My pre marriage name is dead to me. I have no affinity to it at all. I much prefer being a part of my partners family than my fathers for personal reasons. The kids then followed suit.

People like you judging me for my choice piss me off to be honest. How about you do you and leave the rest of to do it our way?

It makes no odds if you keep your father’s name or take your DH’s - they’re all men’s names.

How come your DH gets his own name and yours is just a loan?

Go to any Primark, supermarket, department store or other shops and you’ll see shelves in the women’s section stacked with ‘Mr & Mrs’ mugs, ‘Mr & Mrs’ frames, Bride and bridesmaid sashes, bridesmaid dressings gowns, bridesmaid slippers, bride and bridesmaids t-shirts.

The men’s section doesn’t sell this stuff.

@Nonamesleft1 is absolutely right.

Bit of a generalisation. Many posters have said they are happily married but didn’t take their husband’s name.

This isn’t about you or any individual anyway, this is a discussion on insidious societal pressure. No one really cares what you as an individual do, you crack on.

No she's wrong.
The young women I know don't think like this.

If there wasn't a demand for that stuff they wouldn't sell it, would they.
I'm sure if there was s demand for "best man" and "Groom" sashes they'd sell them too 😬
Still doesn't take away from the fact that it is nonsense to assume we're all brought up dreaming of getting married and assuming that's our only destiny.

@Doteycat
The young women I know don't think like this
Same, and I know I and my friends didn't either!

Why is it desirable for everyone to have the same surname? My DC don't have the same surname as me and it makes no difference to anything.

Anyone that buys it buys it as a pisstake.
Honestly, it's embarrassing how out of touch ye are with young women today.
And tarring them with the same brush ye were tarred with is shameful.
The young women of today are incredibly inspiring.

Quite. Interesting that some posters seem to think surnames all belong to men.

Why is it desirable for everyone to have the same surname? My DC don't have the same surname as me and it makes no difference to anything

Because when I got married, I saw us as creating a family unit, so all of us having the same name.
I personally see it as alienating yourself from that by insisting your name stays different to the rest of your family.
That's just me though, I know not everyone thinks the same.