Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

Same here although I didn't even have particularly strong feelings about keeping my maiden name. It just seems like a faff to change it and I don't really understand why anyone would want to bother unless they particularly hate it. Children have DH’s name because we had to pick one and double barreled (in our case) wouldn't sound good. I don't see why people are so worried about having a different surname to their children. It makes absolutely no difference to anything nowadays. I chose first names.

Nobody has suggested her husband is controlling or misogynistic, interesting that your mind went there.

And the people who are unpleasant are the ones who correct spelling, it’s condescending and unnecessary. I’m not surprised you don’t see that.

Feminism is about equality not just about choice

Actually, other than one point which that poster corrected me on in a rude way, I was showing sympathy to that poster over her experiences with her surname in the UK. The most unpleasant person here is you.

I gave my children their dads surname as I thought it would be easier for them and then their own children to trace their ancestory. We are a family quite interested in history etc. It hasn't made any real difference to me other than the school would call and ask for Mrs (child surname) instead of mine as I didn't marry.

@Willyoujustbequiet, absolutely. My brother is never told that his name is our father's name. It's assumed to be his by default. Likewise, my name is my name, just as surely as my brother's is his.

I resonated with the PP above who wanted to relinquish her own family name because of her abusive father. My father, likewise, was an abusive psychopath. Nonetheless, in view of the above and men not having ownership over names, I viewed it as my family name. It was bound up with my history, and was an indication of what I'd overcome in my formative years to become the woman I am. Ironically, it was my brother who wanted to discard our family name and take on our mother's instead.

My reasoning was different from that of many women who want symbolically to end their association with an abusive father. Mine is right for me as the PP's decision was right for her but based on the premise of: why relinquish my family name and all the history bound up with it, for better or worse, for the name of another family whose history I don't share and in which I have no part? To me, this makes no sense.

The fact that my own name is the one on all my publications is another important factor, but to me that was a secondary consideration. I am who I am. And yes, a name is an identity. What other purpose does it serve?

Oh and to add- from a feminist point of view it works well not having the same name as my kids.

i feel very much that I have retained my identity separately and independently from the kids. So much of my life is “x’s mum”, that it really works for me to drop that identity and become myname mysurname outside of parenting.

i like that the default is not me being added to WhatsApp, Facebook and other social media groups for schools and hobbies. It’s Dh who gets added and has to deal with that, because he’s the one with a matching surname. So that takes a big chunk of “wifework” from me - it is completely the norm for mums to be added, but dads never are.

so if you’re talking feminism, not having the same surname forces society to accept dh as a parent and communicate with him regarding parenting decisions, as it’s not immediately obvious I am mum, or it’s not as easy to find and contact me.

I don't see giving my kid's their father's name as somehow handing over ownership of them. That's not how I view names. Or my kids to be fair.

As it turned out we ended up double barrelling because it worked better with the first name we chose but it's a complete pain in the arse.

It IS about choice.

Just worry about your own life and let other people worry about theirs. Posts like this come accross as you just being bitter and miserable that other women get to have a partner they trust enough not to leave them. Kind of sad to be honest al the best though.

Lol

The woman gives the same plus the physical act of pregnancy and birth plus the bulk of childcare. The absolute least she can expect is for her children to carry her name too if that's what she chooses.

No decent man would take issue with it.

No, it's really not.

My money's on the OP being yet another bloke who wants women's choices completely eroded 🙄🙄

It's not going to happen OP whether you want it to or not.

Women have fought too hard to have choices, and that fight is far from over.

Deal with it.

Ownership?

No one owns a child.

This! I prefer my partner’s surname to my own. I can’t change my surname for professional reasons (at least, I could but it would be a total PITA). It was a no-brainer that the kids would have my partner’s surname because it’s a nicer surname. It doesn’t make me any less of a mother.

For all the people saying that the children should have double-barrelled surnames, when does that end? Smith and Jones have a child with the surname Smith-Jones. That child then has a child with Davies-Bloggs, so do their children then go by Smith-Jones-Davies-Bloggs? Where does it end?

It IS about choice

Completely agree

This was not a consideration when I continued to use my own name by default on marriage (it wasn't a 'choice' as I'd never even considered changing as an option) - BUT, my own name is, IMO, a 'nicer' name than DH's.

Now, you don't get many women saying that, do you? 😀

Oh God this OP reminds me of that angry poster years ago who used to come onto AIBU just to tell us all we were doing feminism wrong!

She'd get the bunfight she came for, and then whinge that MNHQ would move the thread to the Feminism topic where a lot of posters refuse to go.

She never got the irony of why! 🤦‍♀️

Your hang up on the phrase ‘he let me choose’ infers control.

@TeaKitten: the DH new exactly what ‘decision’ the poster would make here, it wasn’t a choice.

infers misogyny on the DH’s part

You’ve no evidence of either. Is it necessary to badger someone over one word?

The Spanish manage their double barrelling convention easily enough.

i am not Spanish, but they’ve done it for centuries so I doubt it’s a problem.

Because our kids are exactly that, ours. 50% me and 50% their father.

This is said a lot - why do so many women think their DH’s surname sounds better? Men don’t seem to have the same concerns?

My DH's surname is definitely better for us than mine would have been.
My surname was the same as his first name (so he'd have been eg William Williams) so changing his to mine would have been silly.
My name is also sometimes a surname and I did once briefly date someone with that surname. No way would I have changed my surname to his had that relationship lasted (I'd have been Kaye Kay) so I understood why DH didn't want to.
DH isn't against the idea of changing his name in general, and two of his close male friends changed their names on marriage and no one really batted an eyelid. It just didn't work for our names.

We both wanted the same name as our DC, so me changing mine made sense. I could have said I didn't want to, and insisted on giving DC my surname, but I didn't really see a benefit in that.

But feminists have always told each other they're 'doing' feminism wrong.

Take the SOHM vs. WOHM threads on MN - some of the most incendiary, angsty and sometimes abusive threads around - this is nothing more than an extension of 'woman citizen' vs. 'wages for housework' of the first and second waves.

I've just re-read Zoe Fairbairns's second-wave novel Benefits, which is a depressing insight into the law of unintended consequences when it comes to both the above. It's well worth a read.

But there is nothing new under the sun. There's no such thing as a 'sisterhood'.

No. They have her name.

You will never find a hater doing better than you. Posts like these are always about how miserable the poster is. Listen it sucks what happened to you but you can’t bring that bitterness to everyone else who aren’t going through it because you assume it will happen to them too. Feminism is such a horrible outlook so much hate it’s truly sad.